BDSM and D/s Thoughts

Tags

BDSM, Dating, sexual confidence

Why are dungeons called dungeons? That sounds so…dank, dark, dirty and unhappy. I hereby vote to change the name of dungeons that do not have a moat, drawbridge and dragon, to “playrooms”. That sounds happier to me.

Why do men who want to be dominated seem to be drawn to me lately? As a woman business owner, it is not uncommon to have the appearance of being “in charge” and being comfortable in that role. Strong women it seems, however, often prefer to be submissive sexually. Guys should know this and not look to us to be the dominant. It is most likely the soft, mild-mannered, mousy seeming women who would like to take charge sexually. Or maybe all the personality stereotypes have nothing to do with anything and my observations are merely coincidental!

Lately, I meet a guy and pretty quickly I can tell he wants me to dominate him…heavy sigh. My attitude is someone has to take the lead…either lead or move the fuck over and I will. I get very tired of trying to teach or train a lover to dominate me. So lately, I’m trying to embrace it…maybe the Universe wants me to domme for a while. Maybe there is something to be gained. Maybe I have been the submissive in relationships for too long. I do feel that since I know how a sub thinks and experiences things, maybe that gives me insight into good domination. You may call me Mistress Undomesticated Bitch – LOL (Or Mistress UB for short). Actually, as much as I want to say “just shut the fuck up” lately, maybe this is a good fit – I shall invest in some gags. Understand though, dominating is tiring…you have to think many moves ahead and it means a significant amount of time on your feet in heels.

On a recent trip to NOLA, I was introduced to the concept of “cuddle parties”. New Orleans is so gritty it doesn’t seem like a cuddle party place – LOL. Apparently, they are not new and exist everywhere. I have no interest in cuddles. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m not a soft, squishy kind of girl who “cuddles”. Get yourself a teddy bear and move along….as far as the gritty atmosphere of NOLA, I appreciate it’s dark, sexy undertones and it is fun to dress sexy and wear a mask – which is completely 100% acceptable there! My next stop on my summer travel tour will be Vegas. Predictable sexiness there…mostly polished up, in your face, glamorized, sexy. After Vegas, in August, will be Alaska. Not sure what kind of sexiness is up there, but most likely involves plaid of some kind – LOL. I will keep you posted.

Off in the Weeds

Tags

BDSM, Dating, relationships, self awareness, sex, sexual confidence

I have the worst allergies. If I live on the water (ocean) they are a million times better – something about the wind blowing across the water? Or less trees because of the space the water takes up? I don’t live on the water anymore. I have big trees across the back of the house. They have been bad for a while now, but this week extra bad because of the cottonwood blowing around and piling up like snow. That, in particular, just kills me. I can’t breathe. I’m probably over medicating just to survive at this moment…so about to share too much. The weeds we are about to go off into are literal and figurative. 

I am not having a very good week really. I can’t breathe, there was the whole Brucifer debacle…which upon reflection just communicating with him had a level of negativity I don’t generally have around me, and I found out my government contract for work was not renewed through the company I have been working with for the last 11 years. I have to find out who did get the contract (haven’t been able to yet) and somehow become a vendor for them…that has me stressed.

So yesterday, I’m minding my business…trying to breathe and deal with “stuff” and I ended up in conversation with a guy. He sort of caught me at the right moment – you know… between trying to breathe and trying not to cry because life is sucking at this moment…he was so positive – fresh air (further magnifying how toxic B had been). He invited me to lunch. I thought wtf…okay…lunch is harmless enough with Mr. Positivity. I could use a bright spot in the week.

Lunch with Mr. positivity revealed he is a Navy Seal who teaches tactical stuff. We had a pleasant chat and he invited me over. I thought okay…I can change my mind when I get there if I choose…so far this meeting has been pleasant and oh so positive. I’m just soaking up the positive energy…I need it. He lives deep, deep in the woods…he is in process of building. It’s very…what’s the word I’m looking for…rustic (not quite the right one, but it will do). He has an RV converted to kitchen and eating area, another structure for living and sleeping, multiple other structures housing building supplies and various other things, there is a pond, bird feeders he made… he has built closets and furniture…showed me “composting toilets” – wow. This is way more rustic than I would at my age tolerate. I’m contemplating saying goodbye now because this is just too pioneer for me. I spent part of my childhood in the Appalachian Mountains…I have already embraced my inner pioneer. She now prefers the Four Seasons. But I’m here…and he is kissing me, and it is very, very nice… I decide, yes, this is an acceptable way to spend my afternoon. This is actually a very gorgeous man, in excellent shape, who just oozes positive energy. Surprise… he has the biggest cock I have ever seen. Seriously.

Consider me a penis connoisseur of sorts…I would like to think because I write, I research…I pay attention. I observe and question…after all – inquiring minds want to know. Just like each woman’s body is different, unique and beautiful in its own way – each penis is different, unique and beautiful in its own way. Some are thin, some thick – most somewhere in the middle. Some long, some short, some have a curve this way or that – some do not…some have very pronounced heads others may be accompanied by very large balls or small ones or somewhere in between…Brucifer had a Prince Albert piercing – which I had never seen before…so obviously I had to ask a lot of questions about that! I especially appreciate a well-balanced, symmetrical penis with good girth – length is less important to me. I appreciate a man who is clean shaven in the nether regions also.

Mr. Positivity is clean shaven (very nicely I might add – no stubble), very smooth and well-balanced, straight, hard and humongous.  That is another thing about penis observation…hardness. Men 43-63 have varying degrees of hardness. Some require constant coaxing to become hard and/or stay hard even though their owner’s mind is all in. Some achieve “firmness”, others a degree of actual “hardness” beyond “firm”. This massive one is hard…more than firm…but he has also told me he eats very clean and takes vitamins and supplements – so maybe penis health is very much tied to general health. Actually, I am quite sure it is…too much alcohol consumption on the regular leads to “whiskey dick” …too much fast-food lead to unhealthy fats, poor circulation, and less hard penises. (Side thought…. should the plural of penis be peni? Or penises?) This penis is very, very healthy (maybe I should embrace composting toilets and put this man in charge of my health for a while? I bet he could get rid of my menopausal middle and get me to be toned and fit…). He even acted like he wasn’t really aware it was abnormally large…he is a Navy Seal – you mean to tell me guys in the military don’t compare dicks?! I am quite sure they must!

So now we all think we would like a big penis to play with but let me tell you honestly there are a few issues. I would need practice to get good at handling one this size…it wont all fit in your mouth and throat (sorry to be so graphic) so you have to modify your entire blow job style. Next issue is – you know from reading my blog – I love good hard slow fucking…you cannot do that with a penis this big…it’s too long – there is no where for it to go except what feels like into your other organs…which is not fun. So, once again modifications are required. Luckily, a man who owns something this large for more than 50 years knows how to do this. It was a beautiful penis. A masterpiece.

And he was very nicely quiet. Don’t get me wrong, I like sex noises…moans…well-chosen words – sex talk or talking “dirty” can enhance the experience. Especially if you are “in relationship” and know what appeals to each other. I appreciated Mr. Positivity’s silence…especially after Brucifer’s talk while fooling around – his talking dirty involved name calling, which for me – is not sexy. I have no desire to be a “little bitch” or “hot cunt”. The first time he said it I offended him because I laughed. I had to explain it caught me off guard… no judgement – whatever makes you happy. One thing that is difficult is when someone you’re with says “talk dirty to me” and you don’t know them well enough to know what the right things to say are…plus it’s making me work and use my brain when I am trying to ignore my brain and just observe the world through my skin. The right words, well-chosen, can absolutely enhance the experience…you just have to know the other person’s mind and be on a similar mindset page.

Surprisingly enough I heard from ex-Buddhist Monk again last night…he had good sex talk. He would like to see me again. That was a very nice penis and awesome sex…plus he told me “I don’t mean to be crass, but I have to say you are a great fuck”… which my self-esteem actually really needed at that moment in time.

I probably won’t ever see this “positive penis” again (does it seem like I am objectifying men?)…the owner is nice…but the woods made my allergies worse, the drive home was long, I don’t wish to be a “pioneer woman” … may I please have spa treatment and a nice Grand Cru?

This is what a Prince Albert is in case you needed to know…I saved you from googling it. You’re welcome.

Uncomfortable Silence

Tags

creating your life, Dating, positive direction, relationships, self awareness, sex, sexual confidence

Mid-month update… One week in my world can be equivalent to a month or more in someone else’s. I’m intense. It is my nature and seems to increase with age. I’m done apologizing for it. People can jump in and flow with it – or not. There does seem to be a general lack of kindness, empathy, and compassion out there right now and I don’t want to tolerate lack of that stuff…that’s the stuff that makes us “human”.

Mark # 129? (who the fuck knows – there are a million people named Mark and a lot of them I feel have crossed my path lately) … from here on out he shall be referred to as “Media Mark”. I thought I found an interesting island in a sea of mediocrity. I was wrong. By the way Mark, if someone says, “Good Night” or “Good Morning”, the customary response is to wish them the same – not “heart” it. And my dog…the one I told you I was up all night with and spent the day at the vet with, she is still alive. And yeah…I’m doing okay. Also, for the next person… you should up your “fucking” game – you are rusty. You are deep…but also very self-absorbed…the latter is not sexy. Best of luck to you.

Poly Paul…move on already. I only move forward. And not with you. If you keep sending me poetry, I’m going to lose my shit. What part of I’m not touchy feely when not in relationship do you not get? Best of luck to you also.

NSA FB – we officially said goodbye. Best of luck to you – appreciated the excellent sex. I hope you find your Gross Point Debi.

Cutting loose all the non-alpha, passive men I have been waiting for to step up and show me something inspiring. I am not inspired. Nor can I help you be what I am looking for.

So, let’s see…where does that leave me? Oh yeah…alone. That’s okay. I know how to be alone.

I don’t have enough time left on this planet for indifference or mediocrity.

I must live in all out passionate authenticity…wherever that takes me. For now, I have once again removed myself from all dating apps…people are fucking crazy. And exhausting. And as I said before, the guys my age are broken from past life shit making them have too many rules and fears. Maybe it’s Seattle. Maybe I should take a trip…go somewhere else to meet someone and fall in love. Ireland? Greece?

I openly embrace who people “are” and try to understand them “where they are” – without trying to make them someone they aren’t. I look for the “real” them and am ready to love them. So many people hide. They hide even from themselves sometimes who they are…who they want to be…who they can be. I get tired of trying to scale those walls. I can’t cope with bullshit. I want someone who is genuinely excited to be around me…in all my imperfect messiness. Someone who truly sees me, gets me, and loves who I am.

I may not write here for a while. This is the space I share about dating, sex and relationships…I may be headed another direction for a while. I will most likely channel my writing energy into another book or at least to another blog spot where I don’t focus on dating and sex.

Pulp Fiction (4/12) Movie CLIP – Uncomfortable Silence (1994) HD – Bing video

What the fuck?

Staying authentic…

Tags

creating your life, Dating, relationships, self awareness, sex, sexual confidence

Being authentic involves releasing our fear of not being liked. It’s about making our own decisions and thinking our own thoughts. It’s about being who we truly are – without fear or concern about how others perceive us. It’s about not tolerating bullshit. (I will walk away and stay away now.) It’s about radical candor – expressing myself frankly, fully and passionately…and expecting the same from others. Interacting deeply, being open and not afraid to expose my own weaknesses. Adopting a certain level of IDGAF-ness. No matter how much I expect others to be on board with my way of thinking, many most will not be able to really embrace it or care to implement it themselves. That is actually okay. I continue raising the standards for myself and my life and I’m learning better how to frame the ask of those around me. Are they willing to risk not being liked by the majority to be true to themselves and the few who love who they truly are at their core? I only want to have authentic interactions. The folks who want to stay superficial have lots of other folks they can stay that way with…just not me.

I am continually amazed (not sure why I haven’t gotten over the shock yet) at how some people behave. I have open and honest conversations… I will openly talk about sex but that does not mean I will have sex with you. Is this difficult for the male mind to comprehend?

I recently went on a first date (Groundhog’s Day still happening over here) where the subject of sex came up and the man was surprised I said “No thank you, I do not want to have sex on an inflatable mattress in a construction site (WTF?!)” and I indicated that if I were inclined to have sex with him, that particular scenario is not how I would be happy fucking for hours – that would be more of a “we are already in a relationship and need a quickie sort of situation”. The “fucking for hours” threw him for a loop. He thought I was kidding. I said I was not – great sex for me usually involves hours of mutual happiness. Then he proceeded to say in a joking way “Every guy thinks he wants a nymphomaniac until they get one and have to fuck for 6 hours – is this why your ex-husband and fiancé are both dead? You fucked them to death?” This guy’s chances of a second date were already at zero, but now were a for sure… no fucking way! This guy was attempting to call me a derogatory name, slut shame me and bring up death of my past loves all in the same sentence on a first date?! – that is not nice. Plus, I wasn’t about to have sex with him anyway because I found him to be a judgmental, bigoted misogynist – the only reason I hadn’t left yet was because I was busy laughing (he was funny for most of the date) and upholding my civic responsibility to try and gently educate him through our interaction so he might be better informed and less obnoxious for the next woman to share Thai with him. Buh-bye.

Another first date was pretty darn nice…Mr. Anonymous (he asked to remain anonymous if I mentioned him in the blog), was a decent guy and we had a decent time. He did express concerns about my FB. I guess I should get better about explaining that…but I think we are done so maybe I don’t have to…unless I get another one. But just to reiterate for anyone who may have missed it – a fuck buddy is a place holder of sorts who allows you to get your physical needs met by just one person while you are finding the person you really want to be fucking.

G1 turned out to have a few issues. He has potential to be great down the road, but I am not looking for “potential”.

G2 would like a submissive slave. Not me…sorry. No thanks.

Paul #4 would like me to move into his house…what?? We haven’t been on a date yet and you want me to pack my bags?? Uh, no…crazy. Not looking for a sugar daddy (if taco daddies were a thing, we might have something to discuss…just kidding – although I love a good authentic taco).

Fall in love with a man that deserves your heart…if you can’t find him, then a man who pulls your hair and smacks your ass is a good plan B.”

Says my friend Tami

I’m keeping myself busy with work… also with the non-profit humanitarian organization and I’m prepping to be a presenter at a leadership summit later in the month. I have placed my order with the Universe…in short summary – a man as deep and expansive as the ocean, that I can love and adore, who will love and adore me back, to be best friends with, and with whom we can support each other in being the best, most happy version of ourselves and have awesome sex all the time. He will arrive…may already be right in front of me…

Happy fucking friday

Tags

creating your life, Dating, relationships, self awareness, sex, sexual confidence

The on-line dating shit show continues….

Last night was fun for about a minute. There is no long term potential for a couple of reasons. Maybe I’m just feeling dismissed and pouty…and I don’t really want to talk about it right now. I will come back to it another day.

Then bright and early this morning I get an email from someone I talked to for a little bit…he says “It sounds like you are a sincere person, but I don’t sense a future here. You should try to be fun, playful, flirty, humorous and vulnerable. Best of luck to you – Richard”   Really Richard – Fuck you…LOL I am all those things you just never got there with me. Even my fucking blog is fun, flirty, sometimes humorous and always vulnerable…you probably couldn’t even handle all that I am. And by the way Richard, I will continue to say ‘Whoo Hoo” every fucking chance I get – even though you have told me it is not “an appropriate response to anything”.

Another guy was texting me when I was on my date last night. I did not respond – that would be rude. I give my attention to the person in front of me. He was getting more and more upset and continued that this morning. I decided not to respond last night – it isn’t his business where I was or why I didn’t text back immediately. I needed to cut him loose anyway – kind of regretting moving him into my phone and not just on the site. He is well educated – has a PhD, but also thinks COVID is a conspiracy. I just can’t…I don’t want to debate death. Thank goodness this came out before we met face to face. (Mental note made…PhD does not equal safe and sane)

God this shit makes me tired. I never have enjoyed a circus. Except for Fremont Circus (which doesn’t exist anymore) – that was a really cool sexy indoor circus.

This morning I had to go and accept and award for volunteer work in the community – which is cool – but timing is bad. I had a thing taken off my face yesterday totally forgetting I needed to be photographed and videoed…I said “Sorry about the band-aid on my face. This is about volunteering though and not about me being cute – right?” And laughed. What can you do? It will now be recorded for posterity…future generations will say “What happened to her face? Poor dear.”

(Someone should tell me how to find filters so my eyes would look better. This pic looks a little demonic)

I am also disappointed to realize there is still very much a double standard when it comes to expressing sexuality. Men can be open about wanting and needing sex…and having sex. Women are judged harshly for the same exact thing. “Slut shaming” is alive and well in Seattle. As a fucking adult, I should be able to express myself in the most appropriate way for me – without feeling fucking guilty. That is one thing the kink community has over “mainstream” community. The kinky friends will love you no matter what. I now have not had any more sex for the last 13 days…Too fucking long a time… Thank you NSA fuck buddy for scheduling to accommodate me in the next couple days…I will hang on and try not to hurt someone.

This is my new coffee cup. It makes me happy. Sorry to be so cranky today (it has to be in part due to not enough sex!)…the weekend is here – “Whoo Hoo!” (Fuck you “Richard”)

Nobody’s baby…I’m an outlaw – LOL

Tags

Dating, positive direction, relationships, self awareness, sex, sexual confidence

Happy Saturday.

I am dancing in the kitchen listening to Elle King and making candied thick cut bacon on a stick. Why? because bacon on a stick is fucking good 🙂

So far today I have finished 2 books, researched crypto currency (note – no one ever should tell a visual person they are “balls deep” in something…I just can’t get the image to go away….), bought some, had phone sex (because why not?), ordered groceries, danced…candied bacon…and it’s not yet 9am. Productivity at it’s finest.

Why is my phone so spastic and just bad? Text conversation today T: “Women’s sexy clothing is kinda self bondage” Me: “True. Especially the shoes. I’m not sure Ben appreciate it enough to make it worth the effort.” Me: “MEN not Ben – I don’t know Ben.”

Hosting an outdoor, socially distanced birthday celebration for my youngest daughter’s partner Julia today. That should keep me out of trouble for the afternoon 😉

Potentially great idea? If I need to go back on a dating site, instead of long introduction trying to have the right balance of sane and sexy, smart but not intimidating “stuff” – how about this?

Highly sexual, sometimes kinky INTJ (Looking for whatever is of interest to her, but likely a final LTR)
Submit application and Resume. I will get back to you.

Maybe it would weed out the weak and stupid in some Darwinian way? Let the cream rise to the top?

Side note: Really appreciating Instacart lately. Order groceries in the middle of the night – they show up like magic. Makes me happy.

I’ll have what she’s having please

Tags

Great sex, relationships, self awareness, sex, sexual confidence

So…another issue on my mind. Clarity around ways of having sex or types of sex. Here is some stuff I found when I did a quick google of “difference between having sex and fucking”:

MAKING LOVE: Tender, slow, usually missionary or cowgirl positions, lots of eye contact and whispering about feelings.

FUCKING: Animalistic, hard, rough. Doggy-style or missionary positions preferred. Hair-pulling and back-scratching encouraged. This isn’t about feelings, it’s about pleasure.

HAVING SEX: Anything that’s not one of the first two. Can be anywhere from soft to hard, but really having sex is about exploration. This is where you play games, explore fantasies, and tease, tease, tease. All positions included, the more complex the better.

Another way to say it: You fuck with your body, you make love with your heart, but you have sex with your mind.

Well, as far as “making love” goes, I don’t really want to whisper about “feelings” (besides I do have some hearing loss in my left ear so I may not hear you – bad story for another day). But I do get the sentiment and it’s fine on occasion if it makes my partner happy or maybe we are tired and just wanting a lovely, soft exchange. I’m down.

Fucking, yes. I do like that…a lot. Any and all positions…back-scratching?! Not sure about that…LOL

Having sex other than the first two, yep. I’m down with that also. Exploration/experimentation is fun.

I guess the takeaway is, for many sex is an expression of love. For me it’s more. Or can be. It’s a full on mind/body meld when it’s ”right” or it can just be an expression of a moment in time in all it’s glory, passion and “nowness” – with or without “love”. Sex is one of the few times I can stop thinking if I choose and just “be” in the physical pleasure of it – which is kind of nice when a girl is in her head all the time.

I guess I like people to know how to do them all. (And the ones that make me even stop to think about it).

The art of submission…

Tags

BDSM, Great sex, sexual confidence

Sexual submission. Let me try to explain it in a way you can understand it if you don’t already. I can only do this from my particular point of view…although I believe some of the underlying feelings would be universal among those that enjoy submission.

 
Different people have different degrees of submission they enjoy and different activities they enjoy performing while being “submissive”. So, communication is key. I encourage you to approach the topic as well as any potential partners with an open mind and a kind heart. We are all “hard-wired” a little differently. Some people resist their kinky proclivities and try to express and experience their sexuality in what they perceive to be “socially acceptable” ways. I believe that everyone has some kink somewhere inside…find it, embrace it, love it.

 
No one would guess that I am a submissive woman. Most of the time in real life I am the one giving orders, taking charge, making things happen, being responsible.

 

There is a transformation that happens in the power and surrender exchange. It’s about trusting someone else to take control and allowing yourself to be held just the way you need to be by someone stronger than you in that moment in a safe way. It’s a temporary softening of the intellect and allowing physical sensation to bend your mind for a time. Logical, linear thinking disappears for a while and you are swept up into waves of blissful non-responsibility and intense feelings. There is nothing (well almost nothing) quite as exquisite and wonderful as a sensual spanking from someone who understands how to give one. It takes my breath away…

 
One might say “What about women’s rights”, “What about being a strong woman?”. It’s my right to surrender and submit. There is actually strength in surrender. It’s not “abuse”, it’s completely different. Physically it increases blood flow to pleasure centers which completely escalates and enhances the rest of the sexual encounter, and mentally it’s just intoxicating and freeing. A good partner sees your real limits and respects them. They allow you to feel out of control while keeping you completely safe.

 
With the right partner, who understands you and where you are in the moment and enjoys the act, it is so amazing – I’m having trouble finding the right words to express it. There are so many different levels of submission I could talk all day about it long, but I think the important thing is being open to see what feels good and what truly doesn’t and being willing to communicate about it all.

 
For me, as a submissive, everything is very mental. Where my mind goes, the rest of me follows. There is such a deliciousness to anticipation…surrender to the anticipation, surrender to my partner. I do know some women like to extend their submissiveness to an entire “lifestyle” within the relationship. I don’t. I do thrive on it in a sexual situation and can be brought into the right mental sexual state of mind regardless of where I am and what I’m doing with the right words…and that’s all I need and want.

 
I think if a partner really wanted me to I could take the dominatrix side of the field for a day. I think I would know how to speak to the mind and soul of the submissive and read their cues for what they need…but I’d so rather be on the receiving end!

 
There is actually an art to the power and surrender exchange. It takes a while (and a lot of honest communication) to get it right with a partner. If it appeals to you, I suggest just keep working on getting it right. Your partner has to actually care about you and be thoughtful about their domination. It most likely won’t be perfectly right straight out of the gate…there was an encounter that comes to mind…he had his own way of doing things and didn’t know me well – caught me a little off guard and I ended up with a shockingly hard spanking session that still makes me blush.

 
I’m not a scientist so I don’t know what endorphins or chemicals pleasure and pain release in your body – all I know is how they feel and I’m quite sure they are so much better than any drug! Anyway…the art of my submission is to embrace it. Honestly. With no judgement. Please my partner, surrender and allow it to free me.

 

Does this label make my ass look big?

Tags

casual sex, creating your life, Dating, Great sex, intention, relationships, self awareness, sex, sexual confidence

Do you think it’s a reality you can meet someone and they will fulfill all your needs (mental, emotional, spiritual and sexual) for ever and ever? I think some people can do it for a while…but we are constantly growing and changing. I think 99.9% of the time your partner cannot progress or change at the same rate and in the same directions as you (no matter how hard they might want to). And what a heavy burden for one person to place on a another…meet all my needs all the time!

I generally dislike “defining” myself. Defining makes us use labels. Labels lead to judgement.

Being single again has led me back down the path of trying ascertain “who” I am in the dating sense. When you are dating, I think it’s important to be clear why you’re dating.

If you are dating to find “the one” (and I sincerely wish you luck with that), most likely you will end up “settling” for an “almost the one” and hope you can change/improve/modify the person to meet all your needs. That doesn’t seem very fair – to you or them.

If you are dating because you’re lonely as fuck, there are other ways to fill that void. Volunteering…joining clubs that have people that like something you do…maybe join a club that does something you’ve always wanted to try…schedule time with friends or enhance your friend circle.

If you are dating for sex, but upfront about that so you don’t waste time – yours or anyone else’s. I guarantee you will find a like-minded partner.

Whatever your reason(s) are, I think you should be clear. Being clear helps you discern what to focus on as well as creates the right energy for the thing you are searching for to find you.

As much as I dislike labels, here is mine: “ethically non-monogamous”. Which you might perceive to be polyamorous. In my mind they are similar but different – so I won’t take that label at this time. The “non-monogamous” portion of the label is I don’t expect one person to meet all my needs all the time. The “ethical” portion of the label is maybe the most important part. Ethical in providing honesty, full disclosure and transparency, as well as conducting oneself in a sexually safe manner.

In reality, non-monogamy creates an issue of jealousy. This is especially the case if you are honest about being with other people. I invite you to think about it this way for a moment…let’s draw a comparison with money or abundance. I can have abundance, you can have abundance, anyone can have abundance. There is not really a finite supply of it – you just have to want it and get it. If I am abundant, it doesn’t make you less abundant because I am…I didn’t take some of yours. Does that make sense?

Along the same lines, there is not a finite supply of love. I can have love, you can have love, everyone can have love, so my having it doesn’t make you have less of it. There is enough for everyone. Does a parent bring a child into the world and say “okay, that’s all I have love for”? Generally not – they will have another child or children. They find love expands. There is no lack of love for their partner or the first child when the second child arrives. There is more love – plenty of it – because it expands.

So in relationships there doesn’t need to be jealousy. Love, attraction, etc. expands. Replace jealousy with communication and reassurance.

Time. Time is the only thing I haven’t been able to conquer effectively – it does not seem to expand!

To F*ck…or not to F*ck…that is the question

Tags

casual sex, Dating, Great sex, sex, sexual confidence

Deciding whether or not to have sex with someone on a date can be a tricky thing.

Based on my past experiences, I want to say to tell yourself to wait until the 3^rd date or later…but really it’s up to you, your mood, the chemistry, etc. and you shouldn’t feel pressure one way or another. Have something ready to say if your feel the pressure but don’t feel the desire. I learned the sentence beginning with “My personal policy is….” (Fill in the blank) to wait until I know someone better, or whatever your new policy is at that moment in time, works great. Just prepare yourself ahead of time because it’s not always easy to think of how to handle it when it’s right there – staring you in the face. Especially if you are out of dating practice.

I was always concerned about hurting the other person’s feelings…until I made some mistakes and toughened up. But then again, you do learn pretty quickly from having sex with someone if they are worth another date. I guess it would depend on the purpose of your dating. I had sex with one guy because he hadn’t dated since his wife died. He was a nice guy. It was “charity” sex. I decided to boost his ego and give him back some of his self-confidence. I knew already I didn’t want to see him again but thought what the heck. He wasn’t a good lay either. I let him down easy and made excuses about not being clear on what I really wanted in a relationship at that moment in time – which wasn’t entirely an untruth. I really wasn’t clear yet on my actual dating objectives.

Another guy I slept with right away I thought had potential (Note – never a good idea…I married someone because I thought they had “potential” – bad, bad idea!). He was shocked when I broke it off the next day and actually got quite angry and aggressive…he thought our 4 hour roll in the hay meant some sort of “ownership rights” of my person I guess. I was trying to be nice but when he wouldn’t let it go and was shocked I didn’t think he was a God because we had sex for so many hours, I finally told him a stiff cock and a willingness to use it didn’t necessarily equate to good sex. I’m not 100% sure what he had to say in response, because it was in a foreign language…but I’m pretty sure I was able to properly translate the words “crazy whore”.

Pity sex…different from charity sex…never again. I won’t bore you with all the gory details, but trust me – don’t do it. A man who you feel pity for needs to spend time with his own hand before venturing back out into the real world with real people.

If you are dating to find a “real” relationship, go slow. Make sure you match up on enough levels to make it worth the try. If you are dating just to have fun and pass the time, then it’s a case by case decision. Whatever you do – keep yourself in check. Dinner, dancing, sex does not mean you should start making up a future life in your head and picking a china pattern! Slow your roll and appreciate it for whatever it is…right now…at this moment.

If you are “dating” for a “fuckbuddy” relationship, you need to be clear about that from the first moment. I also recommend talking about sex a lot before meeting for the purpose of sex. Even then you may have to “sift some sand” before you find the right one for that role. One guy I interacted with over the course of a long time talked a good game, but when it came down to it was the most boring fuck ever. Then he had the nerve to say “that was pretty good for vanilla sex”. I moved on quickly from him.

One night stands are okay if that is what you want. No strings, no obligation, no awkward interactions later…down and dirty sex with a stranger, who shall remain one – by your choice.  I do believe most women aren’t built for that…we tend to want to “know” someone or “feel some kind of connection”. If you do decide to have a one night stand, either purposefully or accidentally, don’t kick your own ass over it. It’s done – move on. And for goodness sake don’t let them guilt you into thinking there is obligation for another evening. Be very honest…say “Thank you for the one night stand” or “Thank you for fucking my brains out – I needed that – have a nice life”.

 A fuckbuddy is someone with whom you are sexually compatible, can have sex with whenever you are in the mood and both available, no strings, no awkward “morning afters”, no explanations…just good sex when you need it with someone you have already had sex with and you know enough of their good moves to keep you coming back. It’s a beautiful thing. But again, most women aren’t built for that…so if you’re not, don’t do it. It was so completely perfect for me during one stage in my life. I worked 12-15 hours a day, didn’t have the time or emotional energy for a “relationship” and all that word implies…and it was just wonderful, blissfully fulfilling sex as many times a week as I needed it. I would still have him today (or someone just like him) had I not accidentally gotten into a real relationship with someone else. I had to break it off and see where this accidental relationship was going because he wasn’t really on board with me having a fuck buddy on the side.

If you are going to date multiple people for multiple purposes, it requires you compartmentalize your feelings. This works for some of us. For others it does not. If it doesn’t work for you…then don’t do it. I also recommend if you are dating multiple people, be honest about it. I scared off a few men with my honesty, but that’s okay – they probably weren’t right for me anyway. The one that didn’t get scared off but laughed and asked questions instead, is the one I’m still with 4 years later. He also meets my needs on all levels so I no longer need an assortment of people for different things (companionship, fun, mental challenge, hot sex, etc.). He showed up when I became very clear on what I wanted in a partner “some day” and stopped searching for it.

One thing I’m very sure of is don’t have sex with someone out of some misguided feeling of obligation to because they went on a date with you, or bought dinner, or whatever…if you decide to have sex it’s for you. Own it. Tell yourself – yes I am entitled to have sex if I want it. No guilt. No remorse. Buy your own damn dinner. Maybe even buy his.

I have opinions about married sex too (surprise). I will probably address that in a future blog post.

Fifty Shades of Communication

Tags

BDSM, Great sex, sexual confidence

Talking about sex openly and honestly is important.

If you are dating the same person repeatedly and it’s turning into a sexual relationship these conversations are very important for helping to determine if you are sexually compatible or there is only enough chemistry for a few sexual encounters.  You may find the other person needs several open, honest conversations before they really feel comfortable enough to open up. You may even feel like you are stumbling over words a little at first too if you aren’t accustomed to these conversations. In order to have truly wonderful sex there should be a level of compatibility.

Everyone (or at least everyone in my world) has some sort of little kink. Kink is good. Kink is fun. But if they don’t match, they can be disastrous! One of my girlfriends, who has been married for about 20 years, is about to leave her husband over mismatched sexual natures (among other things). For her a good sexy night is wine and candles with soft music and sexy lingerie, with her partner telling her how beautiful and sexy she is while he gently makes soft love to her. His idea of a good sexy night is to bind her arms and legs, spank her, and fuck her hard from behind. They don’t match and there isn’t a middle ground that makes them happy. They can’t even talk about it without insulting each other’s wants, needs and preferences. Actually, if there weren’t so many other issues in their relationship that has made it gone south, I could have probably explained to him how to give her what she wants in a way that she would want to give him what he wants – but it’s a lost cause at this point. Once love and attraction has been replaced with hate, it’s too late.

The popular book “Fifty Shades of Grey” has actually helped bring some kink to the mainstream. I guess if it’s in a book you can get at the local Walmart type store then people feel it’s okay to open up a little, entertain some ideas about expanding their notions of what might be a turn on, and talk about sex a little more. I know the book opened the door for some people I know to start talking about sex with me who wouldn’t have otherwise. It also brought some aspects of BDSM (lite) out of the dark corners and into the light and minds of people who might have spent their entire lives thinking only vanilla thoughts.

I think it’s important to maintain an attitude of non-judgment when it comes to sex and conversations about it. That includes being mindful to not judge yourself over what turns you on or doesn’t. I think it’s also important to keep an open mind. Maybe you didn’t know you liked sushi until you tried it… with an open mind… and then found which combinations of things you liked in your sushi. Maybe you don’t think you like some sexual act, but when presented in the proper way you may find you very much enjoy that particular act. There is no right or wrong between mutually respectful consenting adults. ”Mutually respectful” is of course key! You can’t foist your kink on someone but they may come to appreciate it especially if they derive pleasure from seeing, hearing and experiencing your pleasure. If something really genuinely goes against your sensibilities no matter how open minded you’ve tried to be about it, then is there a way for your partner to have what they want with your support but without your direct participation? Figure out a solution if it’s the only problem.

For instance…from the previous relationship example, one person wants bondage and their partner doesn’t like it at all and feels raped when bound. With good communication there are so many ways to try and resolve the issue! Firstly determining the level and amount he (in this example) thinks he wants/needs, how much if any is tolerable to the other party…is any type of binding acceptable for some period of time? Maybe incorporated on an occasional basis with her more fairy tale type fantasy? Maybe she is some sort of beautiful princess kidnapped and “taken” by a pirate who binds her with something soft and silky while telling her she is so sexy he can’t stand it and has to have her, and after teasing her to a point of arousal releases her because she has “succumbed” and now wants him too? Or can he please her to a point where she release her inhibitions and feels comfortable exploring variations of bondage with him? Or meet her needs well enough to make her want to try and meet his playfully like dressing in a sexy bondage type outfit for him and poses in bound ways as part of inviting him to feel aroused and have sex? Communication (combined with regularly providing outstanding orgasms) can help people find a solution (and a desire to find one) that works for both parties.

I like my steak medium rare. My partner does not. We both like steak, we just like it different ways. Sometimes I can appreciate the steak even if it’s cooked his way although it’s not my preference. He cannot appreciate steak my way – it grosses him out, but he knows how I like it and cooks it for me that way anyway – even if he doesn’t want to eat it, he wants to give it me the way I prefer it – which I appreciate. I won’t force him to eat a steak my way because he truly does not like it. We are mutually respectful. Kink is the same way to a degree. Your kinks don’t have to be the same, you have to figure out how to meet each person’s wants/needs/preferences without making someone eat a bloody steak that grosses them out. By the same token, if your kinks (or lack thereof) are completely incompatible, it’s like a steak eater cooking and dining with a vegetarian…can your worlds coexist enough for your to thrive or not? Better to figure that out fairly early in a dating relationship…before marriage, kids, and joint assets.

Maybe you’re both very vanilla – that’s okay too. You don’t have to have kink to have great sex, but communication is still key! If you just can’t wrap your head around some kink that is important to your partner and you care about them enough to continue the relationship, consider supporting it in a different way. Not judging, not criticizing… perhaps encourage them to have their kink in fantasy during masturbation and find ways to be helpful, supportive, and respectful.

I do believe there is some lack of understanding of some kinks, particularly if you’ve always had vanilla sex. One common misunderstanding I come across when talking about this with other women is BDSM. In real life (vs in fiction) it seems that women with a high degree of power in their careers or life have a tendency toward this kink. I see most often they are on the receiving end or in the perceived “weak” position. I think there is a desire to release control – or perceived control, yet surprisingly enough the perceived “weak” position is actually the position of control because they are allowing and controlling the extent/length/intensity to a degree. It would be interesting to me for readers to share their thoughts on this or any other kink observation they may have.

I notice I have made many references to food in this blog post.  I must be hungry – LOL! My apologies if you now want sushi or steak!

Any way – expand your mind, be playful, find new ways to interact sensually and sexually with your chosen sex partner, go to the sex shop, spice things up today…and tomorrow and the next…

I think it’s important to keep sex alive and encourage playfulness. If I want to drive my partner crazy (in a good way), I have been known to do all sorts of things…some ideas include:

• Sending texts in a playful way telling them about some sex act you’re thinking about and indicating you can’t wait to see them.
• Telling him you are going to play with yourself because you want him (this usually leads to requests for pictures or him coming to your place immediately).
• Showing up somewhere he doesn’t expect…naked, followed by the words “Fuck me” (Note – this does not have to be somewhere outside the house…unless you want it to be).
• Cook a meal in nothing but an apron.
• Tell your partner what you’re going to do to them later or at a specific time. The anticipation is a huge turn on.
• Surprise your partner with a new toy and/or preparing a room for sex unexpectedly in a special way

Use your imagination and find some ways to fan the flame of desire and go have some great sex tonight! Feel free to share your ideas – I love coming up with new stuff!