Humming along…

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creating your life, intention, self awareness

I love good song lyrics. In some instances, a musician’s lyrics have spoken the words I needed to hear or echoed my sadness in a way that made me not feel alone…it’s poetry…but more powerful because not only do the words have meaning and feeling, but the music has feeling too. It’s a beautiful thing. The music makes the poetry more powerful than I am ever capable of creating with my feeble stringing together of words on paper. But then again, I am the weirdo who will have a song or an album on repeat sometimes until the people around me want to run screaming into the street – LOL. (Joni Mitchell’s “Blue” album was one…)

I had never heard of a band named Dawes until yesterday. I have no idea why…classified as “Indie” (and I listen to that genre – among others). Their song “A Little Bit of Everything” is brilliant. Simple and deep.

It starts out with a man ready to jump of the Golden Gate bridge and “join that demographic”. When asked what the problem is, the response is:

‘Oh, it’s a little bit of everything,
It’s the mountains,
It’s the fog,
It’s the news at six o’clock,
It’s the death of my first dog,
It’s the angels up above me,
It’s the song that they don’t sing,
It’s a little bit of everything.

Then the next part of the song is an old man in a buffet line thinking about his life and all the little bits of everything it comprised…disappointment and loss… and now today in this buffet, when the server asks, “Have you figured out yet, what it is you want?” He will have a little bit of everything…but he’s smiling – so we know he “gets it” now and will savor every little thing.

I want a little bit of everything,
The biscuits and the beans,
Whatever helps me to forget about
The things that brought me to my knees,
So pile on those mashed potatoes,
And an extra chicken wing,
I’m having a little bit of everything.

Then the song moves to a couple getting ready to be married and the woman is all wrapped up in the details. He says “Baby, can I make an observation? You don’t seem to be having any fun at all.”  “She said, You just worry about your groomsmen and your shirt-size, And rest assured that this is making me feel good, I think that love is so much easier than you realize, If you can give yourself to someone, then you should.”

‘Cause it’s a little bit of everything,
The way you joke, the way you ache,
It is waking up before you,
So I can watch you as you wake.
So in the day in late September,
It’s not some stupid little ring,
I’m giving a little bit of everything.

Next the song wraps up with these words:

Oh, it’s a little bit of everything,
It’s the matador and the bull,
It’s the suggested daily dosage,
It is the red moon when it’s full.
All these psychics and these doctors,
They’re all right and they’re all wrong,
It’s like trying to make out every word,
When they should simply hum along,
It’s not some message written in the dark,
Or some truth that no one’s seen,
It’s a little bit of everything.

The matador and the bull – both sides of a situation or opposing paradigms. All the things you are supposed to do in life – the “daily dosage”. Beauty. Shades of grey – there is no black and white to life. Over-analyzing everything instead of enjoying the moment and humming along. There is no one thing that makes everything. No one thing that fixes everything. No one thing that makes our life turn out they way we thought we wanted or not. No one thing that makes everything okay.

Life is a little bit of everything. It’s supposed to be. Sometimes you look up only to realize years have gone by and nothing it seems was really accomplished – just a lot of little bits of everything. If you are sad, it isn’t just one thing. Happy isn’t just one thing…Life is comprised of all these moments…moments and decisions followed by more moments and decisions…there is a beauty in that. If we pause to savor the moment while it’s there, we live a deeper, more yummy life. “Love is so much easier than you realize”…savor it…do it…feel it…give it…be it. We all seem to look for the “one” thing – the one answer – the one reason – there is no “one”. It truly is a little bit of everything.

It’s fucking beautiful…so simple, yet so profound. That will be the name of my new blog. A Little Bit of Everything.

Here is a link: https://alittlebitofeverything.life

Serendipitously synchronistic

Tags

creating your life, positive direction, self awareness

The last few days every time I pull a tarot card, the meaning has the word serendipity or synchronicity or both in the words for the meaning of the card. Coincidentally I even recently re-watched the movie Serendipity because my TV suggested it for me. Okay Universe…I’m listening…what are you trying to say?

The definition of serendipity is “the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way”. The definition of synchronicity is “the coincidental occurrence of events and especially psychic events. It is as if our inner world and the world around us find ways to communicate through coincidence.”

So… maybe people think these things are special or magical. They happen to me all the time. They have for so long I take them for granted. That is just part of the daily magic of being alive. If I take a wrong turn or miss my freeway exit, I don’t stress…I always assume it’s because I am meant to see something pretty or avoid an accident not meant for me. But I’m weird like that. If I am clear in what I want, the Universe delivers it…it just shows up. (If I am all in my head and “balled up about it”, it is delayed – my own fault) So maybe the point is to quit taking it for granted and spend more time acknowledging it and saying “Thank you” for it? Maybe.

You are probably thinking “Gee, she sure has a lot of time for writing lately. Doesn’t she have a job or something?” Yeah, I do. I still have two jobs, but without the third job or dating sites sucking the life out of me, I have time for more reading and writing…and cooking…and yoga. And, when I “relax” the Universe takes care of me. I know that sounds dumb, but it does…things fall into place…obstacles disappear… money shows up.

I still feel the pull to change my blog name and blogging persona. I really am no longer The Undomesticated Bitch…sharing Adventures of an Undomesticated Bitch on the Daily Bitch pages. I just haven’t found the new one. Most likely It will involve making a whole new blogging space…with a link for those of you who want to continue with me on this messy journey of mine. I have rolled so many things through my mind name wise…I actually may have it…just now accidentally (or serendipitously and synchronistically) from a friend… more to come after I sit with it.

There was something else that crossed my mind in the shower this morning I was going to share…but now it’s gone – LOL (Replaced by thoughts of fast food 🤣)

Ornery with a side of obstinate ~

Tags

self awareness

I have a stubborn streak. Obstinate actually. It pops up sometimes when I least expect it. I’m not sure why it’s here today, but welcome to my world.

There was a day when I was a small child when there was a 4-hour stand-off…I had to stay in a chair until I told my step-father “Thank you”. I would not. My attitude was “I will not say thank you for something I am not thankful for just because you are a bully and demanding it. I don’t care…I will stay here all day, all night…forever. I don’t care anymore. You can yell, threaten, verbally poke at me, or punish me all you want to…kill me if you choose to…I’m already in this deep – I will not let you win this”. Finally, my mom told him I said it. He said, “Say it again so I can hear it”. I remember thinking “shit…mom’s going to be in trouble now if he knows she lied for me”, so I said it. Of course, the asshole said, “What? I couldn’t hear you, say it louder.” My mouth said, “Thank you” but my mind said, “Fuck you”. I even remember thinking I might stay in the chair all day and night as another way of saying “Fuck you – you bully”.

Take-away here – someone who is being obstinate may not stop for their own well-being or safety, but they will for someone else’s.

I am a “happy-go-lucky” kind of person in my heart…I don’t “dig in my heels” often. But that’s where I feel today.

Once on transferring to a new school, I was put into an AP Honors Algebra class. I had not taken the prerequisite of pre-algebra but they waived it due to my results on placement testing and IQ. The first day of class I came into a room of much older kids and the worksheets being handed out looked bizarre. The equations may have well been Greek or some other foreign language. My brain was saying “What the fuck is this?? What do we use it for??” (Cut me some slack – the internet had not yet been invented.) Fine…I will wrap my brain around this…whatever it is…but it wasn’t clicking. Finally, toward the end of class, I could no longer contain my question. I raised my hand to be called on and then asked “Why do we need to know this? Like what will we use it for in our daily life?” (I am always up for learning something that can be used but I need context) The teacher indicated some adults use it in their profession. That did not seem good enough to me…and it took her a long time to come up with it too…so she doesn’t know why she teaches it or why we need it. So, I decided “Fuck you – not going to waste time learning it.” I started skipping that class and did other things of interest instead…read in the library or got high with other people skipping other things. One day the guidance counselor came and found me…not sure how long it took but long enough that not going to the class was a regular routine. Mr. Patterson brought me to his office where another man was waiting also. He said they wanted to talk to me about honors algebra. Did I know I couldn’t stay in honors classes if I didn’t go…what was the problem he wanted to know because based on testing I should be excelling. I explained I didn’t care if I was in “honors” classes – that meant nothing to me. I didn’t understand how algebra had anything to do with life or how it was useful in any way and neither did Mrs. Anderson, so why should I go? Mr. Patterson stared at me with a deer-in-headlights look so I looked over at the other guy and he was beaming…literally beaming and smiling. He said “My name is Mr. Bradley and I also teach honors algebra. We are going to move you to my class, and I hope you will come. Algebraic equations are puzzles. Yes, some jobs require it, and you may or may not ever choose to have one of those, but it teaches you something else. It teaches you how to break down something complex into smaller, more manageable pieces under a set of rules, so you can solve the larger puzzle or problem. It teaches you critical thinking that can be used in other ways with other issues – that’s why I teach it.” Needless to say, Mr. Bradley won my respect with that answer, and I not only showed up for class – but early and with smiles. I reveled in algebra… give me harder puzzles please…this is fun. I got it… and straight As. Even tutored others in the class. He called my parents at some point during the school year. He was not calling because I was in trouble for something which often was the case for other calls from school, but to tell them what a joy I was to have as a student and how smart and wonderful I was. (He was a great teacher and very decent human)

Take away here – sometimes people need a “why”. The why will motivate them to stop resisting and release their position on something.

This obstinance also crops up if things feel unfair or if someone tells me I’m not capable of something. In business once, a man told me I didn’t have what it takes to be successful doing a certain thing…didn’t have the connections and social network because I’m a woman (he made a lot of deals on the golf course, and I do not golf). He indicated I would be a great assistant for someone. My mouth said “Oh yeah, I get it. You’re probably right.” My mind said “Fuck you. Just watch me. I will not only do it, but I will beat you by a mile”. (I did… boy did I)

Take away – sometimes stubbornness can fuel the fire to attain something to a big degree. Maybe it’s what can win revolutions or create massive social change?

So why am I so ornery and obstinate today? Fuck you – wouldn’t you like to know. Fuck me – I don’t know. I just “am”. Not every day can be sunshine and namaste. Sometimes I’m ornery…it’s Tale of Two Cities and whiplash…aren’t you sick of reading about it? I’m fucking sick of talking about it. It’s the ABCs of me baby…get over it or fuck off. (Microsoft Word just warned me my “language may be offensive to others”. Fuck off Word)

I do need sex… maybe that’s the reason for my mood. It’s the only thing I feel at this moment is really irking me. I don’t need a nine-course gourmet sex feast…junk-food sex would be fine (you know – fast, easy, lacking real substance but momentarily satisfying touch with another human being) …maybe play rolodex roulette and find some is the answer. Or is it a band-aid? Obstinateness feels similar to anger…which is higher on the emotional stick toward happy than sad. Sadness is anger turned inward. At least I’m not turning it inward.

Fuck.

Okay…going for fast-food. You’re thinking… food or sex? Fuck you – maybe one – maybe both. My friend Kevin is going to read this post and say “I told you no sex was not a realistic thing for you and it’s not sustainable.” Fuck you too Kevin.

Joy Yoga

Tags

intention, relationships, self awareness, yoga

Time spent with my adult children nourishes my soul…I adore them. When you get all of us together it almost always results in hours of laughter. Thursday night I laughed so much my face hurt and my stomach was sure it had done 100 sit-ups. Thank goodness the place we went had outdoor seating – I’m not sure they could have handled our level of joy indoors.

One time all of us decided to go to yoga together at a new workout place that had just opened near our house. Just riding in the car together to get there had us cracking each other up, laughing and giggling so much that we burst through the door with too much exuberance causing disapproving looks from the serious folks already lined up on their mats warming up to the background of the seemingly obligatory “spa sounds music”. (Seriously folks – let’s do yoga to “real” music…stuff that moves your soul while you move your body…or silence…or an Indian raga…no “elevator music for the soul” shit). We picked our spots and laid out our mats with giggles, a few real laughs complete with one of us snorting because well, that can happen with a real laugh…which of course will make us laugh and giggle more…clearly we were going to be a disruption…the instructor (I want to call her “Lake Barbie” – we lived near a lake and she looked like a barbie with no boobs…oh yeah, that would be called really skinny) was not pleased. We looked at each other while feeling the quite strong disapproval of everyone in the room and decided we better separate a little and intersperse ourselves around, so we weren’t all next to each other.  I said to the room “Sorry…we come in joy. We’ll try to bring it down to peace level.” With one of my girls shooting me a look like “Mom – nobody likes a smart-ass”.

We got down to the serious business of this yoga class. My mind wandered…I love yoga. There are so many different kinds of yoga. So many different kinds of instructors all who approach things different ways. Lake Barbie had clearly been taught one way. Oh well, she’s young…she will figure it out and evolve and flex over time…shit – now she wants to do some balancing type poses with arms and legs going out in different directions that she had clearly spent a lot of time mastering…when I first started yoga, around the age of 6, I too was made of “Gumby” type stretchy stuff – not so much as an older version of myself….oops I have an inner ear thing now too making balance not always my friend…I tipped over.

Not just tipped over and caught myself, but tipped over and into a line of exercise bikes that would later be spread around the room for a cycle session. I hit that first bike and like dominoes they all went over…oh my gosh the cacophony of noise! Which immediately made me and my daughters laugh hysterically…and made one overly serious older man who had previously shown his disgust of our joyousness get up and flat out leave…”namaste to you too sir” I thought…Lake Barbie indicated “those with less experience balancing should always choose to be near a wall”, which caused us to burst out in laughter again because I have been doing this shit since before she was born…Once we made it through the rest of the class and went back to the car between rounds of laughter we decided yoga together was probably not a good idea. One of the girls said she could never go back there, she was mortified…which made me laugh again.

Yoga is not just “moves” it’s a connection with the divine…sometimes that connection can be “in joy”.

Namaste

Not so good feelings

Tags

creating your life, energy, intention, positive direction, self awareness

Lots of random thoughts are rolling through my mind this morning. Please excuse my “Kerouac-ing”… I woke up this morning in the middle of swirls and waves of icky emotion and energy, so I need to figure it out. I am quite sure it won’t make sense to anyone else, so if you stopped by for funny dating encounters – today is not the day…just carry on with your other blog reading.

I cleared my room before I went to sleep because I had been mentally processing some things (or trying to). I thought I slept well, but I am not rejuvenated. I don’t remember any dreams and I woke up exactly positioned the way I fell asleep 7 hours earlier…my fitness tracker didn’t register any sleep – it says it had an error.

My energy feels jittery. Un-centered. Majorly disturbed. My mind feels the same way. Before I meditate, I need to understand this more…roll around in it…I see my client was messaging me all night – I can’t even open those yet. I have boundary problems. I understand why…combination of being an empath and having been not allowed to have them as a child. It’s fucked up. The easiest way for me to cope is to shut everyone and everything out…disconnect from myself to deal with the world and then disconnect with the world to deal with myself. That is more of a coping strategy than a healthy way of dealing with things.

There are times when I again try to balance and have boundaries without complete disconnect from anything. This is what I have been doing the last week or so. So, what is the problem? The thing that comes to mind when I be still for a moment and ask the question is… that space when I was a child where I so desperately wanted to feel loved, safe and secure. In my world “love” as a child did not feel like what I feel it “is”.  What it is for me and feels like it should be… right here right now… is a calm all encompassing energetic light where you know every aspect of yourself is acceptable, desirable, and beautiful. Like the love I feel for my children…unconditional, all encompassing, mixture of respect for their soul, adoration of their essence and expression of their souls and unwavering “support”. It is an energy. A very beautiful energy.

When I was a child “love” was conditional. It came – it went – it wasn’t actually “love” it was manipulation of me through withholding of attention and acceptance. (I should note here – my mom was not guilty of this withholding and manipulation, but was trying also to feel loved herself, so had no time or knowledge of how to give it to me). Because of this, on occasion I show up in the world very energetically “needy” for “love”. And my childhood was most definitely was not “safe and secure”. I spent a lot of time while raising my children pausing to “parent myself also” so I could feel I was coming from a place of pure unconditional love and giving it freely to those around me and just “be” there steadily for them while they figured out their own true essences. I was very intentional and mindful about it. I have struggled to give it to myself – this pure unconditional love – but there are times I accomplish it…sometimes for fairly long periods of time. I think though the act of disconnecting from myself to deal with the world disrupts the flow of pure unconditional love to myself. Why would it be disconnected right now? I have spent the last week or so in intensive self-care…Yoga, meditation, energy cleansing, making appropriate energetic boundaries, thoughtfully pondering healthy choices and conscious intentions.…

My higher self says… as I ask… it’s because I have focused too much on something and there is a wanting and withholding feeling from that situation that has triggered these childhood neediness and abandonment feelings. Ouch. I just want to relax into a committed secure loving place “all in”…not have to compartmentalize. The right person and situation will not make me “want” or effort…it will flow naturally. I have to release any hope for this situation. I have to be thankful for what I have learned, because it was important. And move forward alone. In a love bubble by myself… It makes me sad, because I want to share it. The sadness will leave eventually…there isn’t much room for it in a love bubble. This “withholding” feeling is painful and causes me to disconnect from my own self and self-love, because it was a habit deeply ingrained from childhood to protect myself. I just want to frolic in joy, bliss and playfulness instead of “wantingness” and fear of abandonment…hamster wheel brain again…I had this level of intimacy before…I want it back. Every tiny glimpse of it makes my entire being crave it. I feel emotional pain. I really hate feelings….I understand they are necessary…the “nav” system of life…I have to let go of the desire I have.

[***Update: I realize I need to release old patterns and ways of thinking to move forward. Now that I’ve been able to pinpoint it, I can intentionally release it. The past does not equal the future if you quit dragging it around with you. I have to consciously choose a new response to an old trigger. I will focus on things to be thankful and grateful for and release the rest.*** ]

Okay…I guess I do feel somewhat better just sorting that out. Likely I will update these thoughts later in the day after my meditation and yoga because I don’t feel done analyzing it yet.

Another thought…I need to change the name of my blog and “who” I call myself in the blogging world. I am no longer the “Undomesticated Bitch”. I have changed. The “undomesticated” part was my wanting to be wild and free again and the “bitch” part was to take away the power of the men in my world who were calling me one…particularly in business. There has been a shift. I am softer and different…maybe even more fragile in some respects…or more acknowledging of the fragility and less fight or flight about it on some level? I don’t know what the name will evolve to yet but I feel the need for that change.

And another thought…for the last 8-10 days I have had days of waves of intense vibration and energy in my sacral chakra. This has been a recurring thing in the last 10 years or so (not every day – just blocks of time for days, weeks, months). I wish I understood it. The other day someone intentionally shared some energy with me…I was already feeling some…then “boom” powerful waves not only in the sacral chakra, but also heart and throat extending all the way through the crown chakra and down through my feet simultaneously…I had to immediately grab the counter for support so it didn’t knock me over and then sit down on the kitchen floor – for an instant before I sat down, I “saw” energetic hands on each side of my hips (where my fibro pain usually centers) running some energy in that area at one point. Does my friend know Reiki and never told me? Or was that someone else who popped in because my shields were down at that moment and I wasn’t in blocking mode? Anyway, my first instinct was to block everything (momentary panic because intense energy is usually a very bad thing) but instead, I relaxed into it and rode the delicious waves. It came and went the next couple of hours (very distracting when you are driving) but it put me in a really good feeling place energetically. People’s pets at the houses I go to for signings always like me, but on that day they were all curling up at my feet and falling asleep…each owner said their pets had never done that before…it happened four different places.

I used to try to numb myself from some of the energy I could sense with chemicals. Weed, nicotine, caffeine, sugar, for a brief block of time alcohol…not that it really helped – I was just making myself “cloudy”. Over the years I stopped doing that (I don’t want to be that person). I have a coffee in the morning – but not all day. Sometimes sugar is okay. I don’t smoke weed anymore (and actually became allergic to it), rarely drink anything alcoholic and gave up nicotine (which was really hard). When I was in NOLA, swept up in the energy of the place one night…dancing, drinking, tossing beads and singing on a balcony…being free in the moment…someone offered me weed. I said “no thanks, but I smell a clove cigarette and it really seems good to me at this moment…can I have one of those?”. Magically I was not given just one, but a whole pack of cloves to keep. It had been a million years since I had a clove…so yummy. I was instantly hooked on nicotine again (why had I not remembered that was in there? all I had thought of was the taste and smell of clove and I was swept up in the joy of dancing and singing). So I am working with that. Gently weaning myself back off. If I had smoked just the one, maybe I would have been okay…but I had a whole pack to intersperse through the rest of my stay. This is a demon I know how to fight but it doesn’t make it easier…and I’m so disappointed in myself for letting it happen. I have an addictive personality – I am aware – which is why I keep myself reigned in.

I have to deal with this client…the one who has so much bad energetic stuff going on. Today I will try to use my energy to intuit what house I should suggest she buy and to manifest the right opportunity for her challenging situation. That is my intention.

Yeah – I know…I’m all over the place this morning and can’t seem to settle in to meditate. All of this is supposed to be happening…I just need to surrender to it.

Another thought… Words have power. And energy. They have the most constructive power – the ability to change someone’s life at times – when spoken out loud. It’s important to use your words to convey to people you encounter in your life, work and basically everywhere your understanding, appreciation, acceptance, and love of them. You may think they “know” these things and they don’t need to be said. That’s not true. Today is my youngest daughter’s birthday. I will take a moment to intentionally give her the words she needs to hear she may not even know she needs to hear. [***Update: this made her very happy. She feels loved, supported and valued 🥳.]

After meditation, I pulled a couple cards to see what the Universe would like to tell me today. I got Temperance and the three of Pentacles. My understanding from those cards is; First card: Don’t do drastic right now. No “all or nothing” choices. Slow down the desire for excess in any one area right now. Clearing energy of extremes allows for more flow. Blending energies, appreciating moderation, creating harmony, masculine and feminine balance, fluidity of time, meditation, accept the perpetual motion of life, neutrality, restraint, patience and purpose. For the second card: Step into the vibration of conscious collaboration. Relationships are the base of your well-being and co-creating for the good of the whole is powerful magic. There is no limit to what you can manifest together. Align goals and create peaceful unions. Welcome people into your heart and open doors of possibility that didn’t exist before. When life paths are entwined, strive to create harmonic states as you weave your way out of one another’s days. Cooperation, sharing, listening, co-creation, teamwork, unique essences blending energies to create something totally new. I’m going to have to sit with that…let it sink in a bit before I untangle it more…or show some “patience and restraint” and just let it be…

All is well…I’m messy 🤷‍♀️ at least I’m ”real”.

Daddy issues continued…

Tags

BDSM, Daddy, DD/lg, relationships, self awareness

I am still off the dating sites and frankly it feels good. I can’t handle the never-ending parade of people and all the sorting and sifting of information and energy that has to take place. It’s okay. I have learned and grown again…that is always a good thing.  

It doesn’t mean I won’t be having sex… I’m not at this moment completely sure how… but it will completely work itself out. I am surrendering to the Universe on that. I have disconnected from my whole self and my body far too much in the last four years (and much to much other decades of life as well), but no more whining from me because of being overwhelmed by the dating parade since it isn’t happening.

I found two blog entries from a blogger named “Cerebral Sir” that are speaking to me on a very deep level…a place I didn’t know about until this last journey back into the dating world.  (I will share links to these blog posts at the end to ensure he gets credit for his meaningful words).

Some of his words gave tangible expression to things I felt inside and had not yet been able to verbalize…or maybe even completely acknowledge? Here are the ones that speak to me the most…

“For some girls, “I love you” isn’t enough. It doesn’t satiate all her needs. It leaves an emptiness deep inside their stomachs. Maybe that emptiness is everywhere.”  “If I could reach inside her, I would. I’d dig out all the waste until I found what matters. What do I tell a woman who has been hurting since she was a little girl? How do I go back in time and create a safe space where she can skip along unafraid? I’ve kissed her forehead 1000 times. I’ve held her just as many. I’ve wiped away her tears. All that helps, but when my arms are wrapped around her, I dare not squeeze too tight. It still feels like she is ready to crumble.” “It’s ok if it’s not enough. But see how I don’t turn away. Watch as I carry her across a field of broken glass barefoot. Find me a dragon and I’ll slay it. I will build walls around us brick by brick until my fingertips are raw tender flesh. Is she not safe? Will she ever be? If I stand guard through the dark, does she not trust that I won’t let anything hurt her?” “ I whisper these words, “Daddy loves you,” and she melts in my hands. I have to hold her up from falling. I whisper it again, “Daddy loves you,” and now I’m feeling it, too.” “I only now realize it. She’s been holding her breath. Not just here in this moment. She has been holding her breath since I met her. She has probably been holding it long before that. Her chest expands and contracts for the first time.” “It doesn’t have to make sense. It doesn’t have to be reasoned. It’s what she needs to hear. It’s what I need to say. Now that it’s been discovered others can discover it, too. Others need to hear these words. Others need to say them. So, let it be said to the soul. Let it be heard by the soul. “I know you’ve never been safe before but now you are. I’ve found you. I was meant to find you. I’m your Daddy. And your Daddy loves you.”

“Let me tell you what being your Daddy means to me. It means your hurt is like flames on the horizon. It’s like collisions in traffic. It’s like all the windows of a building shattering at the same time. I can’t look away. Little girl, I get that your whole life you’ve been told to push through. You’ve been told to ignore it. No one wanted the burden of your hurt. It’s OK if you say nothing. Rest your head on my shoulder. Let me put my arm around you. Little girl, let’s sit in the quiet together. Close your eyes when my lips press to your forehead. Yes, this pain will pass. And it will come back. And it will pass again. It will lay dormant under the surface. Allow it to rise. Allow it to fill the space around us and weigh on us like an oppressive heatwave.”

“By now you know I can take it. Being your Daddy isn’t just about the spankings and the orgasms. More than anything, it’s about this unbreakable connection. It’s bigger than boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s grander than being lovers. Look into my eyes when I tell you, “Daddy loves you.” Do you think my voice wavers? Do you think I have any doubt? Little girl, I’m your daddy because I want to be everything for you. I want to be your boyfriend and lover. I want to be your dominant. I want to be your friend. I want to be your family. I want to be the one who guides you through the hurt and the happiness. I want to be the one you reach for in the dark.

So, when you’re having an “off day;” when depression shows its face, know that I am never far. You can tell because you’ll feel my lips on your neck. My hand will slide into yours. My fingers will run through your hair. I’ll be the one wiping away your tears. That warmth you feel will be my body squeezing yours. Little girl, I am your Daddy. I’m your Daddy when you’re horny. I’m your Daddy when you’re bored. I’m your Daddy when you’re angry. I’m your daddy when you’re happy. And maybe most importantly I’m your Daddy when you’re sad. I’m an all-weather Daddy. Let it rain. Let it snow. Let massive pellets of hail come crashing down on us. It doesn’t matter if the flood waters rise. It’s OK if the winds rip through our town. When it feels like you can’t take it any longer look to your side. That’s where I will be. Little girl, that’s where I will always be.”

I now see that was actually most of his words – LOL – I could have just shared them all. What a beautiful expression of what DD/lg is about (at least for me). If you remember the post, “What kind of dom is this?” from March…surprise – THIS is what kind of dom it is. My days with any other type of dom are over. And that feels good. Clarity is always good. Every time I hear the words “punkin'”, “honey”, “sweetheart”, “baby girl”… I will melt and my brain will instantly go to the floaty sub space where I can let go… I don’t want to hold my breath anymore.

Thank you The Cerebral Sir, for your eloquence.

The Birth of Daddy Loves You – The Cerebral Sir

All-Weather Daddy – The Cerebral Sir

Pancakes…stat!

Tags

Dating, relationships, self awareness, sex

The internal storm is over (for the moment). I can open up my little turtle shell and make my blog public again. Who knew I was a turtle? I thought my spirit animal was a dolphin. I don’t write for “the public”. I write for myself. It’s the way I sort and process…especially emotions. I do believe however that everyone struggles with some of the same stuff to a degree. If I share my journey and thoughts, maybe…just maybe… it can make someone else somewhere feel like they are not alone if they struggle with the same things. It will take a little while to restore everything, but I am okay, and everything is fine…I can come back out of the shell.

Scanning my 247 new emails this morning, I caught “You’re a match!”. My heart stopped for a second…WTF? I am not on any dating sites anymore! Upon closer inspection, it was a “match” for a new credit card…Geez – don’t need any of those either…

Today I am craving physical touch so incredibly badly. It’s been more than a month since I’ve had sex and it’s been on my mind for more than 24 hours in a big way (mostly due to one harmless little word). I know, you’re thinking go pleasure yourself – problem solved. I did – it isn’t. I guess it human nature to need the touch of other humans. We certainly need it as infants and children – there is that whole “failing to thrive” thing. Well, I “fail to thrive” as an adult without it too. I do know if ignore it long enough it will eventually go away, and I will be back to my sexless self again. I should go outside and bust my ass working in the yard. Let the physical work wear me out and sweat the demons out…but I can’t. The fibro flareup won’t allow that today. Besides, we are back to cold and damp Seattle weather…picture sweaty drowned rat look…not my best…and I do have that attractive single neighbor…I caught him looking at my ass when I was on a ladder trimming hedges…it was a little awkward, but we have moved past it. Weirdly enough he left me a bottle of wine one day after that…was that a message I should invite him over to drink it? I never know what things mean unless someone tells me…socially I feel very obtuse.

I could text the ex-Buddhist monk…he is an interesting situation. We agreed we would have sex just once, but then we did get together again…he wrote an entire book that was a cross between an autopsy of the relationship that failed and forever broke his heart and a love letter to the woman who broke it…it’s available for free digitally on Amazon. Imagine a love that deep…but he is also an INTJ – so I do know he had to write it just to process it. Still, it touched my heart. I still have a copy on my phone, although I have not read it again. Sex is one of the few ways I can completely get out of my own head…just focusing on sensation…a girl does need a break from constant thinking! I am 99% sure he would be down…I just heard that Marion Hill song in my head “Down”… are you down? Are you down? Are you d.d.d.down? LOL! He does understand my need to be physical because we are both wired that way…we will see.

I could also text the drug smuggling operation ex-con guy. I am pretty sure he would not ask for or want any explanation…I could say “Sex?” and the answer would be “Yes”. The last thing in the world I need though is for 4 ½ weeks guy to drive by and see my car since they live in the same neighborhood. He would be the type to come banging on the door demanding to know why I was stalking him by fucking a neighbor. Yes, that’s the way the crazy thinks.

There is also that guy who keeps texting me every few days even though I don’t respond…but he is an unknown. I’m not really in the mood for the unknown. I would text my fuck buddy – but he has certainly done enough for me this week – enough is enough, besides he needs more notice.

Maybe I should just get on the exercise bike…no, my body won’t cooperate. Maybe the answer is pancakes. I’ve been such a mess I’m pretty sure I haven’t eaten more than 1000 calories a day all week…this is where I come back around to missing my guy that died. He used to “love rub” me to sleep every night and make sure I ate…Fuck. I don’t have a “lizard brain”. I have a “hamster on a wheel” brain…always coming back around to him and the life we had. I used to live in a multi-million-dollar home and drive a Bentley Flying Spur. Now I live in a rental house and drive a Prius. Life changes. We adapt…or so we should…sometimes I do for a minute.

I am going to try and leave my phone alone…no texting for sex…I will do laundry, change the sheets, re-watch a good movie…be good. I tried to “be good” yesterday and read, but next thing you know I’m reading erotica all day (thanks to Naughty Nora and all the blogs she follows!). I think pancakes really might help…

Sometimes it’s okay to not be okay…

Tags

empath, relationships, self awareness

The last few weeks have been interesting. That’s my way of saying it’s been a shit show…

I don’t think I have ever shared it here, but I have fibromyalgia. I have learned to keep it under control. If I eat right, listen to my body and rest when needed, meditate, do yoga, keep the stress levels down…it is pretty well controlled now. So well controlled I haven’t had any serious flareups actually for years. I even forget I have it sometimes until it flares up and knocks me on my ass – which is what happened this week. It makes me unable to sleep, yet I’m exhausted and my body hurts…my joints hurt, especially my hips, and there is a gnawing pain on the inside of my bones (I know how bizarre that sounds and every doctor I have ever described that to has looked at me like I am absolutely insane). It is triggered by stress.

I also don’t think I have shared here that I am an energetic empath. I can walk into a house and tell you if the people that lived there were happy or not… among other things. In my real estate career, I have mostly worked for institutions selling their foreclosed homes. I prefer to work for banks or government organizations because they don’t deal in emotion. You do your job and do it well and everything is good. Of course, there is emotional energy left in the houses, but I have learned how to deal with that. I energetically protect myself before going in. (Don’t roll your eyes and think I’m a whacko…everything on the planet is comprised of energy and it affects everything else – we can debate it another day). I also feel I have a responsibility to clear the house of negative stuff before it gets new people. Before I started doing that, you would be amazed how history would repeat itself. A divorce house would have another divorce, etc. One house I experienced what it felt like to be an elderly person with dementia – I would feel dizzy and confused…that one was extra hard to clear – as was one of the suicide houses I had.

The past few months I have been working with a client who needs to sell her house and buy another house. Not only has my bank business gone dead thanks to COVID, but I actually sold her parents the house she lives in 25 years ago, so I am both honored and obligated to assist. The problem is both her parents died there, she is a drug addict with an adult aged brother who is a complete shut-in and has never had a job, she is unemployed, they have never really lived anywhere else – so moving is traumatic, she has an infant and a boyfriend who is absolutely worthless as far as helping her with anything…and the house is packed full of stuff. The dad died in the yard while mowing the grass when the kids were teens, and the mom died recently of cancer. There is so much emotion with all of that…and it has taken a toll on me. One of the things about working with real people instead of an institution is they text you at night, on the weekends, 7 days a week…you don’t get a break from their drama or needs. I will absolutely see this through. I am mid-way through, but oh my gosh… it is exhausting. I also have a couple of other clients right now that are people and not institutions.

My second business involves being sent by an escrow company to people’s homes to help them sign their loan documents on home purchases or refinances. This job can involve weird hours and you get paid per signing – so you never know really over the course of a month, how much you will make. I started this business March of 2020 because I knew I would need extra income with the lockdown happening and of course moratoriums on evictions and foreclosures were going to dramatically affect my business and my ability to meet my obligations.

I recently thought it sounded like a good idea to take a third job. I decided to become a casino dealer. That would enable me to work in the middle of the night, weekends and holidays – and I thought it might actually be fun helping other people have fun. There is much more to being a casino dealer than you would think…so much to learn!! Not only did I forget I had fibro, but I also forgot about being an empath. Casinos are very loud and noisy, and jam packed with emotion (mostly desperate emotion). As a dealer, you have to yell out things to the floor supervisor and pit – “Suited match $350 out $25 up!”, “Black in play!”, “Cash change $500, 5 black out!”. I do not even like to raise my voice, much less “yell”. I hate to admit it…I am too old for three jobs. And the casino environment is too much for me energetically.

We also got COVID in the house a couple weeks ago. My daughter’s partner Julia got it from a client at the waxing salon during a lip wax. I was so afraid my daughter would come down with it…she has an immune disease, and the virus could for sure kill her. We were all immunized, but Julia caught it anyway. It was an extra stressful couple of weeks with Julia in isolation in one room and everyone masking inside the house and me disinfecting common surfaces constantly and getting tested multiple times. I can confidently say now that particular storm has passed. Julia has recovered, and my daughter and I did not get it.

Also, I really did quit all the dating sites. I announced – to no one in particular – the Universe will have to send me the right person another way. I am not built for the way people interact on dating sites. Someone who read my blog asked to communicate via email, so I did. We shared very personal stories, connected very quickly and for a moment I thought “Wow – the Universe listened and managed to send me someone without a dating site!” I gave him my real cell phone number…if you google it, you know who I am, where I work, my home address…everything. Then he disappeared without a trace. That really freaked me out. I had even joked with him about not wanting to become a cautionary tale for next season’s Lifetime movie channel. Disappeared – with him now having the ability to know exactly who I am and where I am and knowing everything about me because I share here openly all my “stuff”. And I don’t really know that he is who he said he is…I probably never shared this here before either, but my mom was murdered when she was 49. People are not always who they seem to be. It can be a very scary world out there. So… there is that stress.

Combining the stress of the three jobs, the stress of the sickness in the house, the drain of dealing with real people energetically, all the stress the dating sites and dating has put on me…I had a physical and emotional meltdown. It started with not being able to sleep even though I was exhausted. So, in the middle of the night one night, I texted Tom (usually referred to as my fuck buddy, my daddy dom, or my hotel boy). I texted “awake?”. He was not. A couple hours later he texted back that he had just gotten up and was getting ready for work and was sorry he hadn’t been awake when I texted. I didn’t respond…I hadn’t yet realized what my problem was (fibro and empathetic crap) and in the light of day couldn’t tell him the barrage of stuff I was feeling. In the middle of the night, we have had some really meaningful exchanges that were very comforting. There is something about baring your soul in the dark on a sleepless night that is safer than in the harsher morning light. Besides, he had work to do…I had work to do…

Later at the end of the day between appointments I had an hour I needed to kill before my last appointment. With traffic it didn’t make sense to go home, so I parked in a parking lot and thought I might play Scrabble on my phone or something and kill the time. I felt guilty for not responding to Tom’s morning response to me, so I texted him back that I was glad my text didn’t wake him up – it was just an existential crisis – no biggie! With and upside-down emoji to lighten it up. He immediately texted back, “Fuck! (wide eyed emoji) Talk to me” “Call me” and then he promptly called me before I could say “no worries, I’m fine”. I wasn’t fine. I burst into tears and told him I wasn’t okay working three jobs, and I don’t know why I’m crying, and do you think everything is random or things happen for a reason? And I don’t want to cry to you, and I have nothing really to say…all while sobbing. Fuck – what a basket case, right? He said, “I wish I was there to wrap my arms around you”, “Where are you?” I explained I was in a parking lot waiting for 6pm to meet with people and their interpreter for a signing, no I wasn’t driving. He said “I’m just going to be with you here in your feelings. Cry, talk…whatever you need to do…I’m just here with you. Imagine my arms around you, holding you.” You have no idea how comforting and supportive that felt, while at the same time a little embarrassing.  I told him I didn’t want to just sit there crying and saying nothing – wasting his time because I couldn’t explain why I was such a mess. He reassured me that it was okay…just be…there is nowhere else he wanted or needed to be and he was just going to sit with me in my sadness. We talked a little between my sobs. I told him how tired I was and about COVID in the house and how three jobs might be too many and how I miss life with a real partner and how I feel like nobody seems to see the value in me and what I might bring to a relationship – I feel discounted and discarded. He reassured me that everyone is having extra stress right now and everything will be okay…a lot of empaths are talking about how much loneliness and sadness people are experiencing right now. (Which later – like a light bulb – reminded me I am an empath, and I am absorbing my client’s energy and the casino energy – duh!) I pulled myself together and he got me laughing a bit before I had to go to my appointment, and I jokingly promised not to burst into tears in front of the Chinese people and their interpreter. He had me feeling better. He checked on me after the appointment too.

That night, still not sleeping – but feeling emotionally better remembering why I was so overwhelmed – the fibro pain set in. I spent the next few days mostly in bed. I would get up, pull on some clothes, do a signing, come back home, strip down and get back in bed. I’m still doing that…Trying to rest and get things back under control. I did sleep 5 hours last night, so I’m doing better. The pain is starting to subside some parts of the day. I am getting better. Tom and I have also talked a little more and that has been really good. He has told me not to question if I am thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough – I am enough and I am a wonderful woman in every sense and I should ignore any fucker who makes me feel otherwise. He has reassured me (even though I didn’t ask for it) that he will always be around for me…” friends forever”. We have talked about dating site stress, how people are “Goldilocks-ing” … only giving each person 30 second to impress them that they are the right fit and there are 7 more amazing sounding people lined up to talk to and how it’s hard to maneuver the social world right now. (When the word “Goldilocks-ing” catches on and everyone starts using it, I know where it originated). I also asked him what special ingredient I am missing that would ever make him see me as more than a “friend”. He honestly didn’t know…and I am actually okay with that. The last week he has been my rock and my soft place to land at the same time and I appreciate him more than ever. Right now, I feel very content in his brand of friendship. I’m still free to experience other people, other relationships…but he is there…not going anywhere. That is comforting. We are all works in progress.

I’m going to spend the weekend taking bubble baths, meditating, doing yoga and napping.

Flypaper for Freaks

Tags

Dating, relationships, self awareness, sex

Recap of the month…

In no particular order…

I met a man who seemed somewhat promising. We were able to have great conversation. Turns out he is a cross-dresser. I really tried to be open minded about this…I was working on it. I did some reading, asked some questions…I do not think I can really be sexually attracted to a man that likes to dress in women’s clothing. Does that make me a bad human? As it worked out, he has some trouble getting and maintaining an erection and he thinks I’m too fat (ouch!). Not a match after all – that was several weeks wasted.

Reconnected with my fuckbuddy for a playdate…Thank you Universe for that. I really do like him. It’s sad he doesn’t see more for “us”. There is no “us”. He has “a lot going on”. I’ve never even been to his house…he always gets a hotel (No, he is not married). Hotel sex is fun in its own way…

There was a man that reached out who is much older than I would normally consider…wanted me to marry him and move to his ranch…umm “No thank you”, we don’t even know each other… Maybe we should have a date first? He wanted to” chase me around the barn” and even decided which room in his ranch would be my office (I think that’s the 3^rd  or 4^th marriage semi-proposal in the last 30 days?).

I also connected for an evening with a guy who asked more questions about the 4 ½ weeks guy than about me (weird right?). This guy had talked to that guy about real estate – they live in the same neighborhood and that’s how this guy and I had initially exchanged numbers – over a potential real estate deal. He invited me over for a steak BBQ. He was very handsome and fit and had a truly gorgeous, well-proportioned, big, thick, cock (not a premediated “sex” date…just worked out that way…I am a “go with the flow” person). It turns out he spent 20 years in prison for running a drug smuggling operation in the 90’s – it was all very sordid and involved a cartel and woman he was dating who tried to get his sentence reduced by being a wired informant. He didn’t tell me – but I googled and discovered. I knew this before the steak dinner… I had wondered if he would tell me. I wonder now if he is planning some sort of scam on 4 1/2 weeks guy to get his house and plane? I might be flypaper for freaks.

Also had dinner with a man that was the tiniest man I have ever met. Seriously. His pictures looked “normal” but his entire frame and stature was really tiny. Nice guy…well, he did ghost me after the dinner, so maybe not that nice…although I now have a new favorite place to get amazing tacos. He asked me if I knew my dating profile was “intimidating”. Yeah, that’s me…LOL. One guy reached out the other day about my profile and said,” I might have just fallen in love. I think you’re something else. When can we have our first date? You are right up my alley. Sign me up!” Since his profile basically said nothing, I responded with something to the effect of “Tell me more about yourself”. That scared him away. I am completely fierce!

I’ve said it before… no more dating sites for me. No more dates. Maybe just one more time with the fuckbuddy, so I can end on a somewhat (at least sexually) positive note…then spend the rest of forever alone…sexless…working out so I don’t ever be perceived as “too fat”. Society has set all of us women up for failure with a fucked up culture of body image. Maybe no – to the one more time with FB, it always makes me want more of him and wonder why he doesn’t want more…he isn’t seeing anyone else…what secret ingredient am I missing that he wants/needs?

I have been riding a stationary recumbent bike doing 6-12 miles a day (binge watched all of the seasons of Californication doing that). Yesterday, I rented a Lime (that is an electric assist bicycle you can rent and ride around various parts of Seattle). I did lots of miles yesterday (15) and now have the worst pain in my nether regions from the seat! I wonder if that passes with time (like when you ride horses often) or if I need padded pants to continue riding a regularly positioned bike. And what is that?? Bruising? Why do I not remember that from riding bikes in my childhood?

I had a headache for 48 hours and then a toothache…got tested for COVID again (negative), the testing is now much more civilized by the way. But as a positive, when I called my dentist’s office in tears to ask for an emergency visit, I did schedule a cleaning and check-up. I get to leave the house at an un-godly early hour on Wednesday to be there.

I had a horrible nightmare last night. It involved someone’s male, computerized voice coming through my Alexa, the lights not working and an abduction of a woman from my garage (where the door was open and the lights were on) and he said he would be back for me…I don’t often have dreams that wake me up in fear. Not sure what to make of it. I actually don’t usually feel fear…I lived through some truly terrifying real things in my real life so it takes a lot to give me fear now. Then the TV turned itself on early this morning very loud, downstairs in the family room (no it was not paused and no one was awake and up) – I have no idea what that was about either…maybe the ghost of my fiancé turned it on to scare away the bad guy whose voice I dreamed came through my Alexa hours earlier? It’s going to take all day to shake the weirdness of all that.

Happy Monday…the beginning of the rest of my alone and sexless life.

Love~Sex~Marriage

Tags

BDSM, creating your life, Dating, ENM, positive direction, relationships, self awareness

Random thoughts rolling around in my head today…

A million years ago (or when I was in my 20’s – your choice), I thought when you find the person to spend your life with everything would somehow magically work out. Obviously, that was an child-like assumption. As I got older, I saw there are so many facets to each person, it is really very challenging to have one person to meet all your needs…mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually. Maybe that’s why some cultures are accepting of a married person having a lover on the side?

During and after my divorce, I actually filled the various needs each with different people. This was working fairly well for me, although I lacked a sense of “home” – one person who was your emotional, mental, physical, sexual “safety net”. Ultimately, I had to rely on myself… we all do to some degree I suppose. Then I stumbled across someone who was able to meet most of my needs most of the time. That was surprising and wonderful… and I didn’t need other people to fill the roles. After he died, I realize he left me with renewed hope of that “wholeness” being more attainable. Who knows if it would have been sustainable for an entire lifetime? I do know he would have tried his best and I would have also.

Is the concept of marriage outdated if you aren’t creating children? I’d like to think not. A good marriage is a good partnership where the people publicly and privately support one another in all aspects of life. We are built that way. Wired for interdependence. So now I’m back to how is one person supposed to meet all the facets of who you are and what you need? Either you are lucky and someone intuitively knows, senses, and sees what you need and is not only willing – but eager – to give it to you, or you spend time feeling frustrated, not understood and trying to teach someone what you need.

I could have a person for intellectual conversation, another for sharing emotional stuff, another for companionship and camaraderie, another for hot kinky sex that lasts for hours…and rely on myself for financial stability. But honestly after having the whole package (or 90% of it), it’s really hard to look down the barrel of a remaining life without it. Having different people for different things just feels more hollow now. So… that leaves trying to teach someone to be what you need. Just the thought of that sentence is exhausting. They also have to be wanting to learn and you have to learn what they need too. And of course, the thing you can’t even teach is to have someone who is “thirsty” to be with you…they can’t get enough of you just being you…which makes you not be able to get enough of them…maybe that is not repeatable? Maybe that chunk will forever be missing?

I haven’t even checked the dating site lately or responded to notifications of messages, but strangely I am bumping into a lot of opportunities and invitations to engage with others anyway. But rather than my usual “seize the day” attitude, I’m pausing…weighing out the pros and cons…evaluating the potential for that being my forever “home” – now mind you most likely these opportunities and invitations are not yet considering the possibility of being one another’s “forever home”, they are just playing the game of filling needs and living for the moment. Then there is the guy I keep “playing house with” in my mind… I want to rearrange his furniture and clean everything and imagine myself a part of it…but it’s not my space to do that in. Am I maturing and evolving? Or just making myself crazy?

Why is everything so complicated? I have had quite a few “forever” invitations in the past few years, but I seem to be holding out…I don’t just want to “be married”. I want passion, love, lust, security, safety…I want it all. I feel like age-appropriate men aren’t willing to give it all. Or maybe they don’t have it all to give? I have to break down walls, spend time teaching, and try to inspire passion? All while trying not be shamed for my sex drive or kinky appetite they may or may not understand – sex is truly important to me. I wish I were younger. I would be so much better at it now.

Maybe the whole “one person” paradigm truly is outdated? Maybe our society is in the middle of an evolution? Maybe I’m too much in my head and I need to just go have hot, kinky sex for an afternoon and forget about the bigger picture? (There you are dirty girl…I’ve missed you)

Romance me a bit…

Tags

BDSM, creating your life, Dating, positive direction, relationships, self awareness, sex

It has been a couple weeks since I blogged an update. Nebulizer breathing treatments, first dates, a wedding and a funeral sums it up if you are in a hurry.

I am sincerely hoping for some allergy relief sometime before the next frost. Maybe I should move…would they be better in another state or country? I’m still up in the air with work and on a break from my volunteer work. I am literally trying to put my oxygen mask on first right now.

I have had a handful or so of first dates in the last couple weeks…It is so disappointing to have good conversations on-line and on the phone, then meet the person and have no chemistry face to face. It seems like things are all lined up and good…you have things in common, you’re laughing, sharing stories…then blah face to face…nothing…and they look 10-15 years older than they did in their pictures. Can I have the guy you used to be please?

I am pretty sure Mercury is in retrograde again…so maybe that’s why the dates lately are extra bad. Twice in the last month someone I kissed has orgasmed in their pants…WTF?! The first one, I was embarrassed for him…a little flattered…but two?! No…there has to be an issue with some guys my age. Maybe it’s been so long since they had physical interaction, they are like teenaged boys just losing their shit with the least little bit of attention. Maybe they need to spend more time with their hand before going out into the dating world again? I just can’t. I have no words. Remember me? I like sex for hours. This isn’t going to work.

Then there was one guy who bit my lip during a kiss…I mean bit my lip hard and wouldn’t let go…I was saying “ouch, ouch, Owwweeee!” This guy just kept biting harder – pulling my lip away from my face and drawing blood. It was swollen for days. I made a joke about my safe word – but holy shit this guy was weird. Upon further discussion, he has a permanent bag attached to his side due to Chron’s Disease and I swear was probably at least 10 years older than he said he was. Then he ghosted me (not that I wanted more interaction). Maybe the bite was somehow his way of expressing frustration? Why are you out on a date if you can’t behave?

Then there was the guy who prayed quietly to himself before we ate…Oy Vey. There are guys who have their lives all orchestrated and laid out just the way they want them waiting to insert the woman they want…It’s weird – the furniture choices, tending to their flowers, everything “just so” – don’t want any changes…just want to insert woman here in their little world.  Others seem to have no life…live with a relative, nothing of their own really…I guess just waiting to be picked and inserted into a woman’s perfectly choreographed little world. Whatever happened to each person having a life and then wanting to combine them into something even better and more interesting? My life is not well choreographed. It’s messy and ever changing. And I have this feeling that at any moment I might just pick up and leave and go somewhere totally random and start over again… so who knows where I will even be next year. People my age are weird. And not weird in a good way.

I just got back from a road trip to the other side of the state for a wedding. It would be so fun to be in my 20’s again with the knowledge and wisdom I have now…I kept all my cynicism, advice and wisdom to myself all weekend. I interacted with ex in-laws. I was nice when others weren’t. Just for fun, I checked my Tinder while I was there to see if the puddle of age-appropriate men was any better there…more of the same, just in a different location. I also scoped the wedding looking for age-appropriate single men. Didn’t find any. I figure the Universe will throw the right person in my path at some point, so I have an obligation to be on the lookout!

I am headed to a funeral next. It’s in San Francisco. My brother’s wife…it’s sad. I uniquely know how he feels and the journey he is beginning through grief. I suspect he will traverse it a lot more gracefully than I did. Is it wrong to scope a funeral for a potential date/future partner? Grief is something that never really goes away. You just learn to live with it differently. I still miss Robert. Especially when I have had to deal with unpleasant people – he always had my back, or when I’m driving hundreds of miles – we did that together so many times and had so much fun doing it, or when I remember how it feels to be completely loved and adored by someone and miss it so much… anyway I didn’t think my first post covid flight would be to a funeral.

Roleplaying. Not in the fun way.

Tags

creating your life, Dating, intention, positive direction, relationships, self awareness, sex

I wonder if its possible to overdose on Zyrtec…my allergies are just so damn bad. I just googled that – yes – you can, so don’t. Fuck. I had upped my dose to two and was also throwing in a Claritin for good measure. I would say the solution would be bolt the doors – don’t go out until the cottonwood is gone, but when I went to the kitchen to get my coffee this morning, I found cottonwood floating on the hardwood floor under the kitchen table and also on the edge of my favorite cup. Its in the house now from people and dogs going in and out. I chose a bad time to let the housekeeper go.

I’ve been having weird dreams. (Probably from the allergy meds?) My dreams have always been a place where I could resolve some issues on my mind, explore new ideas and how they might play out, and sometimes have been the source of inspiration. This morning I was dreaming about roles we play in our lives. We all take on a “role” at various times. For instance, as “wife” or “mother”.

My earliest “role” I can remember was at about age four. I took on the role of my mother’s protector.  She had divorced my bio dad a couple years earlier, met who would become my stepdad, was deep into the whole “hippie thing” and somehow, I realized she was not the adult in charge, so I had to be. She had me when she was 19, so she was still kind of a child in many ways. I realized I failed in that role when I was 7 and she was rushed to the hospital after attempting suicide. That morning I took on a new role, my baby brother’s caretaker. It would maybe be easier to protect him since he didn’t have access to drugs and stay up past my bedtime.

Over the course of my life, I have had many roles. Daughter, mother, sister, grand-daughter, wife, fiancé, salesperson, mentor, business coach, volunteer, divorcee, widow… I’m feeling momentarily lost. I don’t have a “role” that I am embracing at this precise moment in time. I am still a “mother”, but my children are adults. Real adults, with careers, houses, cars, etc. and they take their own advice and dish some out to me… I’m not actively “mothering”. I’m not a grandmother. I am no one’s wife or fiancé. I am not even anyone’s “girlfriend” technically. I no longer have my government contract for my business…so I am no longer a “HUD LLB”. Which has been my identity in my business world the last decade plus. I’m taking a momentary break from my volunteer duties to put my own oxygen mask on first (although I was asked to go to Baton Rouge yesterday and almost went) – so at this moment “volunteer” is not an active role for me. I have no role. I am nobody, nowhere, doing nothing.

I guess this is an opportunity to define my next role. I just don’t know what it is. I can’t retire – I have no retirement…I was going to fix that in the next five years with my government contract that I no longer have… Who am I? Aren’t I way too fucking old to still be asking that question?

Also I recently heard somewhere (some podcast – no clue which one) that you have to “make room” for the person you want in your life – you know to be sharing your life with…. you need to be clear on what you want their role to be and what yours is. If you are completely self-sufficient and do all things in your life for yourself, there is no room for anyone to add to or bring things to the table other than companionship. Companionship you can have with a dog. This idea of making space…from having space in the closet for their clothes to having a role for them to fill is interesting to me. I have never – almost never – had a clearly defined desired role for my partner. When I wanted to get married and have children, I wanted a partner who could impregnate me (Very low bar…). Just prior to meeting the person who would become my fiancé I wanted a physical protector. He filled that role (My ex had become a stalker – bad story for another day). Other than that, I have never had clearly defined roles I asked to be filled…I always felt responsible for doing everything.

So, if I play pretend for a moment…imagining I can place my order for whatever I want…maybe it looks something like this: I would like the role of permanent partner to someone who could take care of me. (Fuck that would be a nice change). I could be free to do yoga, write, explore the world without worry. He could provide financial stability, explore the world with me, protect me, appreciate me…. we could just adore each other. In other words, I guess I still want the Disney princess storyline all little girls are subliminally promised. Which makes me hear my stepdad’s words in my brain “Prince charming is not coming. He does not exist. No one is charging in on a white stallion to rescue you.” He also didn’t allow me to believe in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. He didn’t believe in “lying to children” but instead felt they should have the cold, hard, truth.

The women’s movement did some positive things. But it also caused some harm that needs correcting. We, as women, need to know we can do anything and everything. It needs to be acceptable for us to take on whatever roles we want to (And also okay for men to take on the roles that make them happy). It is okay for us to be alone and independent. BUT it is also okay for us to be interdependent with someone else. We don’t have to do everything, out partner can have a role also. Everything will never be equal or 50/50 all the time. Some days are 60/40 or even 80/20 – but it all balances out if both parties are contributing and really care. Human beings need other humans. Personally, I am tired  exhausted – by trying to be a Superwoman.  I would like for someone to go ahead and be my provider and protector now. I feel guilty even typing those words…it has been so ingrained in me that I must be self sufficient and cannot rely on a man. I’ve been providing for myself since before I left my parent’s home and protecting myself – or trying to – my entire life…Fuck it…I’m going to keep practicing the words until I don’t feel guilty anymore. I want a man to adore me, love me, appreciate me, and also provide for me and protect me. It seems a man might like having a role that makes him feel good and important too? I can’t promise to make room in the closet for him…but a good provider can get us a bedroom with two walk-in closets.

It seems like because of the shifting of paradigms that men are afraid to even try to be filling traditional roles. They feel it is wrong to be dominant in any way, be the provider or protector – they have been trained now to step aside and let a woman take care of herself…open her own doors, fight her own battles and buy her own things. It has become more of a competition in relationship…who can earn more, take on more tasks, get more external societal validation…. on the dating sites you see men write things like “emotionally mature, financially secure – expect same in partner. Let’s travel together.”  Meaning we are going Dutch. If you can’t afford to go, I will find a partner (i.e. independent financially secure woman) who can. Sorry…I was busy supporting men, putting kids through college, taking care of poor grandparents…I didn’t know how to do all that and still have a savings…no one taught me that.

So who am I? A woman in her mid 50’s…who has done a lot of things but has not done enough…and has no idea where she is going or how she is going to get there…

Off in the Weeds

Tags

BDSM, Dating, relationships, self awareness, sex, sexual confidence

I have the worst allergies. If I live on the water (ocean) they are a million times better – something about the wind blowing across the water? Or less trees because of the space the water takes up? I don’t live on the water anymore. I have big trees across the back of the house. They have been bad for a while now, but this week extra bad because of the cottonwood blowing around and piling up like snow. That, in particular, just kills me. I can’t breathe. I’m probably over medicating just to survive at this moment…so about to share too much. The weeds we are about to go off into are literal and figurative. 

I am not having a very good week really. I can’t breathe, there was the whole Brucifer debacle…which upon reflection just communicating with him had a level of negativity I don’t generally have around me, and I found out my government contract for work was not renewed through the company I have been working with for the last 11 years. I have to find out who did get the contract (haven’t been able to yet) and somehow become a vendor for them…that has me stressed.

So yesterday, I’m minding my business…trying to breathe and deal with “stuff” and I ended up in conversation with a guy. He sort of caught me at the right moment – you know… between trying to breathe and trying not to cry because life is sucking at this moment…he was so positive – fresh air (further magnifying how toxic B had been). He invited me to lunch. I thought wtf…okay…lunch is harmless enough with Mr. Positivity. I could use a bright spot in the week.

Lunch with Mr. positivity revealed he is a Navy Seal who teaches tactical stuff. We had a pleasant chat and he invited me over. I thought okay…I can change my mind when I get there if I choose…so far this meeting has been pleasant and oh so positive. I’m just soaking up the positive energy…I need it. He lives deep, deep in the woods…he is in process of building. It’s very…what’s the word I’m looking for…rustic (not quite the right one, but it will do). He has an RV converted to kitchen and eating area, another structure for living and sleeping, multiple other structures housing building supplies and various other things, there is a pond, bird feeders he made… he has built closets and furniture…showed me “composting toilets” – wow. This is way more rustic than I would at my age tolerate. I’m contemplating saying goodbye now because this is just too pioneer for me. I spent part of my childhood in the Appalachian Mountains…I have already embraced my inner pioneer. She now prefers the Four Seasons. But I’m here…and he is kissing me, and it is very, very nice… I decide, yes, this is an acceptable way to spend my afternoon. This is actually a very gorgeous man, in excellent shape, who just oozes positive energy. Surprise… he has the biggest cock I have ever seen. Seriously.

Consider me a penis connoisseur of sorts…I would like to think because I write, I research…I pay attention. I observe and question…after all – inquiring minds want to know. Just like each woman’s body is different, unique and beautiful in its own way – each penis is different, unique and beautiful in its own way. Some are thin, some thick – most somewhere in the middle. Some long, some short, some have a curve this way or that – some do not…some have very pronounced heads others may be accompanied by very large balls or small ones or somewhere in between…Brucifer had a Prince Albert piercing – which I had never seen before…so obviously I had to ask a lot of questions about that! I especially appreciate a well-balanced, symmetrical penis with good girth – length is less important to me. I appreciate a man who is clean shaven in the nether regions also.

Mr. Positivity is clean shaven (very nicely I might add – no stubble), very smooth and well-balanced, straight, hard and humongous.  That is another thing about penis observation…hardness. Men 43-63 have varying degrees of hardness. Some require constant coaxing to become hard and/or stay hard even though their owner’s mind is all in. Some achieve “firmness”, others a degree of actual “hardness” beyond “firm”. This massive one is hard…more than firm…but he has also told me he eats very clean and takes vitamins and supplements – so maybe penis health is very much tied to general health. Actually, I am quite sure it is…too much alcohol consumption on the regular leads to “whiskey dick” …too much fast-food lead to unhealthy fats, poor circulation, and less hard penises. (Side thought…. should the plural of penis be peni? Or penises?) This penis is very, very healthy (maybe I should embrace composting toilets and put this man in charge of my health for a while? I bet he could get rid of my menopausal middle and get me to be toned and fit…). He even acted like he wasn’t really aware it was abnormally large…he is a Navy Seal – you mean to tell me guys in the military don’t compare dicks?! I am quite sure they must!

So now we all think we would like a big penis to play with but let me tell you honestly there are a few issues. I would need practice to get good at handling one this size…it wont all fit in your mouth and throat (sorry to be so graphic) so you have to modify your entire blow job style. Next issue is – you know from reading my blog – I love good hard slow fucking…you cannot do that with a penis this big…it’s too long – there is no where for it to go except what feels like into your other organs…which is not fun. So, once again modifications are required. Luckily, a man who owns something this large for more than 50 years knows how to do this. It was a beautiful penis. A masterpiece.

And he was very nicely quiet. Don’t get me wrong, I like sex noises…moans…well-chosen words – sex talk or talking “dirty” can enhance the experience. Especially if you are “in relationship” and know what appeals to each other. I appreciated Mr. Positivity’s silence…especially after Brucifer’s talk while fooling around – his talking dirty involved name calling, which for me – is not sexy. I have no desire to be a “little bitch” or “hot cunt”. The first time he said it I offended him because I laughed. I had to explain it caught me off guard… no judgement – whatever makes you happy. One thing that is difficult is when someone you’re with says “talk dirty to me” and you don’t know them well enough to know what the right things to say are…plus it’s making me work and use my brain when I am trying to ignore my brain and just observe the world through my skin. The right words, well-chosen, can absolutely enhance the experience…you just have to know the other person’s mind and be on a similar mindset page.

Surprisingly enough I heard from ex-Buddhist Monk again last night…he had good sex talk. He would like to see me again. That was a very nice penis and awesome sex…plus he told me “I don’t mean to be crass, but I have to say you are a great fuck”… which my self-esteem actually really needed at that moment in time.

I probably won’t ever see this “positive penis” again (does it seem like I am objectifying men?)…the owner is nice…but the woods made my allergies worse, the drive home was long, I don’t wish to be a “pioneer woman” … may I please have spa treatment and a nice Grand Cru?

This is what a Prince Albert is in case you needed to know…I saved you from googling it. You’re welcome.

Must be Halloween

Tags

BDSM, Dating, relationships, self awareness

In all honesty, I lasted about 2 days without the dating apps. I went back to them and also added Tinder…interaction on these dating sites is like some kind of crack for masochistic single people. I hate it and don’t want to be there, but can’t seem to stay the fuck away!

Friday night, I got a text from Brucifer…remember, he was given two chances already and ghosted me again for no reason. The text says “Can’t get you off my mind…”

I’m thinking no fucking way – it’s been a month…this guy does not deserve the time of day from me. But I’m curious, I really want to know what his issue is. So I respond with “Why did you disappear? I don’t understand you…are you married or something? On medication?”

He says “No…I’m not married or on medication. I’m just a little gun shy…had some bad experiences with the last couple of women I’ve fallen for. One turned out to be very controlling and the other turned out to have borderline personality disorder and was on the spectrum. I’m incredibly attracted to you and quite frankly that makes me nervous, which is odd for me…”

I responded with “Each time we connect, I am intensely attracted to you as well. Then each time your behavior is erratic and unpredictable. It seems unwise of me to keep engaging.”

We went back and forth about this, I said I needed to think about it and that I had extended trust to him and he keeps disappearing or abandoning me – and I have abandonment issues. I also inquired about if he had considered therapy about this issue. He indicated he understood, and it was his fault and he tried to leave me alone, but the Universe won’t let him – I keep “popping up” (he saw me on Tinder). He indicated he “doesn’t trust his ability to pick healthy women” but can’t deny a connection with me.

The next couple days we began rebuilding some trust – became Facebook friends – I wanted to see his posts and where he stands on stuff and how he interacts as part of rebuilding trust. He followed me on Instagram, so I requested to follow him back – which he approved. I found his “super like” on Tinder and “liked him back” so we could be connected. He had unmatched me on Match – so we had no connection there anymore…still don’t. I was thinking it’s insane of me to give him another chance, but he seems so sincere. Side note – he was out of town on a motorcycle trip. We communicated Saturday, Sunday…Monday he got very quiet, and I was thinking “here we go again…”, Then I went a little on tilt and texted quite a long text about if he has gone dark on me again I have no words and the only reason I am even available is because my partner fucking died…etc. After some time, I was reassured he just had a long ride that day had not had time for texting and would have a long one the next – so limited communication…he got back home Tuesday night.

We spent 4 days texting a lot, exchanging pictures, having phone sex…meanwhile we had also made plans for Thursday – I would not schedule any work and we could spend time together. My brain was being dominated by this interaction because the chemistry is so strong. I didn’t focus well on my previously scheduled dates and even cancelled one because I just was having momentary obsession with this interaction. Wednesday (today), he was texting Good morning and that he wished I were there with him. When one of my appointments cancelled, I indicated I would be available for a long lunch if he wanted to get coffee. He said “yes” so, we met at the same coffee place we originally met at – I had 2 to 2 ½ hours free…we met.

The chemistry was just as intense as before. Crazy, I n t e n s e sexual chemistry. We went to his house just a few blocks away and fooled around in his living room until I had to go…long lunch with no food. We seem to be so perfectly matched sexually…we did not have intercourse (he said “not this time”) but we did practically everything else and it was great…perfectly matched…very compatible, actually ahh…mazing.

There were just a couple of red flags I noticed that might interfere with having a permanent, long term relationship…I had planned to mull these over, watch them… and if nothing else just engage in a fabulous sexual relationship until the chemistry fizzled or we decided to go other directions. Let’s face it – really good sex…well there is nothing wrong with that!

Red flags – Like who the fuck doesn’t like even one Beatles song?! I sense a disrespect for women in general although he did speak well of his mother…two times we met for coffee and not once did he offer to order or buy it…did not even try to feed me either time (feeding me is a love language – LOL) and this coffee place has really good food…a random announcement of “hating hippies” and he coincidentally called me one the other day…general negativity and seems very quick to anger. Maybe it’s just a “stance” and not his real position? Maybe just being awkward until we get to know each other better?

I finished my workday and finally got home around 8:30pm (worked long to make up for taking tomorrow off), texted him “Hi”. No response. I got on my Tinder account to see what was going on there…who I need to reply to, etc. and notice he is gone. Unmatched again. Jumped on Instagram – he has revoked my follow. He is still following me, but I no longer have permission to follow him. Jump over to Facebook, he has been posting in the hour following my text…he is awake and online, just not responding to me. So…I decided to just call him – let’s just talk this through I’m thinking…I don’t want to wonder what is going on – do I need to make other plans for my day off? No answer…bumped to voicemail. I have been ghosted by him again!

I do not get it.

Men my age are fucked in the head…broken.

He absofuckinglutely will not get another chance. A second chance was generous, a third chance was insane…a fourth one would require me to seek professional help. You, my dear readers, must hold me accountable…If I see him again make me go to therapy! Meanwhile, I have the day off tomorrow and now nothing to do – LOL

**Update** Text at 5:30am “The chemistry is undeniable. I won’t go into all the reasons why, but we are not a good match. I hope you find what you’re looking for.” —–This is actually progress for this man…he has learned how to at least say goodbye. I go to respond…I was going to let him know that saying something shows growth and improvement and also that I was going to block him so he would not be able to change his mind later and try and talk me into connecting again. But…I was not given the privilege of a final response – I had been blocked. (As if I were the one who kept initiating contact!!??) Being blocked is a bit frustrating. Not because I wanted to ever talk to him again – he clearly needs some sort of help of some kind – but because you can’t say what you want to say or respond to what has just been said to you…it’s like someone slamming and locking a door in your face. I am aware it is my own fault – it was insane to give him another chance – but an additional observation none the less.**

Uncomfortable Silence

Tags

creating your life, Dating, positive direction, relationships, self awareness, sex, sexual confidence

Mid-month update… One week in my world can be equivalent to a month or more in someone else’s. I’m intense. It is my nature and seems to increase with age. I’m done apologizing for it. People can jump in and flow with it – or not. There does seem to be a general lack of kindness, empathy, and compassion out there right now and I don’t want to tolerate lack of that stuff…that’s the stuff that makes us “human”.

Mark # 129? (who the fuck knows – there are a million people named Mark and a lot of them I feel have crossed my path lately) … from here on out he shall be referred to as “Media Mark”. I thought I found an interesting island in a sea of mediocrity. I was wrong. By the way Mark, if someone says, “Good Night” or “Good Morning”, the customary response is to wish them the same – not “heart” it. And my dog…the one I told you I was up all night with and spent the day at the vet with, she is still alive. And yeah…I’m doing okay. Also, for the next person… you should up your “fucking” game – you are rusty. You are deep…but also very self-absorbed…the latter is not sexy. Best of luck to you.

Poly Paul…move on already. I only move forward. And not with you. If you keep sending me poetry, I’m going to lose my shit. What part of I’m not touchy feely when not in relationship do you not get? Best of luck to you also.

NSA FB – we officially said goodbye. Best of luck to you – appreciated the excellent sex. I hope you find your Gross Point Debi.

Cutting loose all the non-alpha, passive men I have been waiting for to step up and show me something inspiring. I am not inspired. Nor can I help you be what I am looking for.

So, let’s see…where does that leave me? Oh yeah…alone. That’s okay. I know how to be alone.

I don’t have enough time left on this planet for indifference or mediocrity.

I must live in all out passionate authenticity…wherever that takes me. For now, I have once again removed myself from all dating apps…people are fucking crazy. And exhausting. And as I said before, the guys my age are broken from past life shit making them have too many rules and fears. Maybe it’s Seattle. Maybe I should take a trip…go somewhere else to meet someone and fall in love. Ireland? Greece?

I openly embrace who people “are” and try to understand them “where they are” – without trying to make them someone they aren’t. I look for the “real” them and am ready to love them. So many people hide. They hide even from themselves sometimes who they are…who they want to be…who they can be. I get tired of trying to scale those walls. I can’t cope with bullshit. I want someone who is genuinely excited to be around me…in all my imperfect messiness. Someone who truly sees me, gets me, and loves who I am.

I may not write here for a while. This is the space I share about dating, sex and relationships…I may be headed another direction for a while. I will most likely channel my writing energy into another book or at least to another blog spot where I don’t focus on dating and sex.

Pulp Fiction (4/12) Movie CLIP – Uncomfortable Silence (1994) HD – Bing video

What the fuck?

Staying authentic…

Tags

creating your life, Dating, relationships, self awareness, sex, sexual confidence

Being authentic involves releasing our fear of not being liked. It’s about making our own decisions and thinking our own thoughts. It’s about being who we truly are – without fear or concern about how others perceive us. It’s about not tolerating bullshit. (I will walk away and stay away now.) It’s about radical candor – expressing myself frankly, fully and passionately…and expecting the same from others. Interacting deeply, being open and not afraid to expose my own weaknesses. Adopting a certain level of IDGAF-ness. No matter how much I expect others to be on board with my way of thinking, many most will not be able to really embrace it or care to implement it themselves. That is actually okay. I continue raising the standards for myself and my life and I’m learning better how to frame the ask of those around me. Are they willing to risk not being liked by the majority to be true to themselves and the few who love who they truly are at their core? I only want to have authentic interactions. The folks who want to stay superficial have lots of other folks they can stay that way with…just not me.

I am continually amazed (not sure why I haven’t gotten over the shock yet) at how some people behave. I have open and honest conversations… I will openly talk about sex but that does not mean I will have sex with you. Is this difficult for the male mind to comprehend?

I recently went on a first date (Groundhog’s Day still happening over here) where the subject of sex came up and the man was surprised I said “No thank you, I do not want to have sex on an inflatable mattress in a construction site (WTF?!)” and I indicated that if I were inclined to have sex with him, that particular scenario is not how I would be happy fucking for hours – that would be more of a “we are already in a relationship and need a quickie sort of situation”. The “fucking for hours” threw him for a loop. He thought I was kidding. I said I was not – great sex for me usually involves hours of mutual happiness. Then he proceeded to say in a joking way “Every guy thinks he wants a nymphomaniac until they get one and have to fuck for 6 hours – is this why your ex-husband and fiancé are both dead? You fucked them to death?” This guy’s chances of a second date were already at zero, but now were a for sure… no fucking way! This guy was attempting to call me a derogatory name, slut shame me and bring up death of my past loves all in the same sentence on a first date?! – that is not nice. Plus, I wasn’t about to have sex with him anyway because I found him to be a judgmental, bigoted misogynist – the only reason I hadn’t left yet was because I was busy laughing (he was funny for most of the date) and upholding my civic responsibility to try and gently educate him through our interaction so he might be better informed and less obnoxious for the next woman to share Thai with him. Buh-bye.

Another first date was pretty darn nice…Mr. Anonymous (he asked to remain anonymous if I mentioned him in the blog), was a decent guy and we had a decent time. He did express concerns about my FB. I guess I should get better about explaining that…but I think we are done so maybe I don’t have to…unless I get another one. But just to reiterate for anyone who may have missed it – a fuck buddy is a place holder of sorts who allows you to get your physical needs met by just one person while you are finding the person you really want to be fucking.

G1 turned out to have a few issues. He has potential to be great down the road, but I am not looking for “potential”.

G2 would like a submissive slave. Not me…sorry. No thanks.

Paul #4 would like me to move into his house…what?? We haven’t been on a date yet and you want me to pack my bags?? Uh, no…crazy. Not looking for a sugar daddy (if taco daddies were a thing, we might have something to discuss…just kidding – although I love a good authentic taco).

Fall in love with a man that deserves your heart…if you can’t find him, then a man who pulls your hair and smacks your ass is a good plan B.”

Says my friend Tami

I’m keeping myself busy with work… also with the non-profit humanitarian organization and I’m prepping to be a presenter at a leadership summit later in the month. I have placed my order with the Universe…in short summary – a man as deep and expansive as the ocean, that I can love and adore, who will love and adore me back, to be best friends with, and with whom we can support each other in being the best, most happy version of ourselves and have awesome sex all the time. He will arrive…may already be right in front of me…

Forward Movement Only

Tags

BDSM, Dating, relationships, self awareness, sex

The news of Bill and Melinda filing for divorce has me quite shaken. It seems kind of ridiculous, but it does. 27 years (3 years longer than I lasted in marriage). They seemed solid – on the same page…. what hope do any of us have if these two can’t make it? Fourth richest in the WORLD…. able to do anything they choose…. WTF.

I met Bill when I was 20. My dad had been recruited to come design Windows…our first summer in Seattle I ended up going to SeaFair on a boat rented by Bill for some of his employees to attend the hydroplane races. We met at Bill’s waterfront home in Laurelhurst, which I found very “common” and disappointing. It needed updating. Bill was 30, single, had lost his driver’s license for driving his Porsche very fast in the middle of the night on 520 repeatedly, and was already “famous” to some degree – I was accustomed to CEOs of high-tech companies being a little more…” showy” in their housing choices. We went out to his dock to board to boat he had rented for the occasion…again, a disappointment…not pretty – very “utilitarian”. I suspect it made him look like everyone else attending and did not draw attention – which I get. It was fine – until the plumbing system backed up mid way through the day and the restrooms could no longer be used while everyone was consuming massive amounts of alcohol. I was the youngest person on the boat, and very shy. So, I observed…all day…I really was craving an intelligent conversation, but well – everyone was drinking and watching the races and the crazies in the water jumping off boats all drunk and stupid…At one point Bill took a nap in the main salon, using his cashmere pullover sweater for a pillow. Then later he played rock, paper, scissors with a blonde woman who did not seem smart at all. I decided he was “boring” – LOL.

Somehow, I had taken comfort in the fact this couple could work together, raise a family, do good things in the world, create charities, and make things happen. Almost a sign that there is a world where things work out and there is no financial stress – you get to just do what you want and make a positive impact. I’m just disappointed. So. Very. Disappointed.

Can you even imagine either of them on a dating site? Holy fuck…Melinda is my age, Bill older (older than I would include in my parameters…for several reasons). If they had to endure Hinge, Match, Bumble and all the others they would for sure be disillusioned. I am sure they would use a matchmaker service instead. It’s probably going to actually take years for them to be ready to date other people – divorce just fucks your brain for a while. Makes me wonder if they will be giving up on monogamy as well…that would be another disappointment – I still want to believe in it.

Speaking of polyamory…2018 poly partner “P.” found me on the dating app and reached out. Wondered if I had any interest in picking up where we left off. As you may recall from the blog posts of that time, he was the vegan – Jewish, bicycle riding – super fit guy – who made sex a priority, and wanted to reduce his carbon footprint on the planet and live in a Sprinter. This is the person I went to kink events with and had a threesome with (that I should have blogged about but did not)…I told him I would ponder it, but in actuality I only move forward…he is not forward – he is the past. And most likely still as selfish as I found him before. I tried to discuss that with him yesterday. I let him know I felt “handled and managed” in relationship with him instead of “heard and understood”. He didn’t seem to really get it and suggested we could meet in person so I could ”process those thoughts and energy with him” – No. Don’t think so. He says… “Take your time, no intent to pressure. Totally respect you saying “I decided I don’t want to reopen the conversation” to “I would but I’ve got too many other suitors I want to try out” to “I want to see if you’re serious about caring for me and maybe someday another kink party will be socially acceptable again”.” With a flame emoji. I did not respond to that….I don’t hear any responsibility for any selfish behavior in there anywhere. I’m sure he is oblivious to it. No point. Not interested. I’m not feeling his words. I’ve done the vegan, poly thing with him.

Forward movement only.

Marionettes are not sexy

Tags

Dating, fuckbuddy, relationships, self awareness, sex

No Strings Attached Fuck Buddy (NSA FB) relationships – the key here is “No strings” …that works great until somebody catches a “feeling”. Then suddenly there are strings.

The person who caught the feeling is left leaning out over the edge of a cliff ledge.

They have two choices – either fall face first over the edge- landing in a bloody, broken, messy tangle at the bottom of the crevasse- feel the pain and move on to someone else or… slowly work their way back from the edge by focusing on the other person’s less than perfectness – what you focus on expands – which can enable the feeler to lose feeling -which permanently affects the way the feeler sees the other person – you can’t go back to the squishy lovey feelings after you have focused on the negative aspects long enough to pull yourself from the edge of the cliff ledge.

It’s unfortunate, because feelings change everything forever. When only one party has the feelings, someone gets hurt. (He has definitely kept me at an arm’s length…but I didn’t know we were going to have this kind of relationship. I thought we might fall in love and be best friends…apparently he didn’t.)

It is really important if you decide to have an NSA FB – you have to establish that status from the very beginning…you can’t transition in and out of that status. When you establish the status, both parties need to know or be reminded of the rules of this type of relationship.

I knew this…I really did…here is what I said in 2011 about it: ********************************

Dating for sex is different and should be kept separate. I think this is perfectly acceptable provided you keep yourself safe. Be straightforward about it – don’t be afraid to say “I have no interest in a relationship right now, I am looking for a sexual tryst only”. I do recommend if you would like to do this, you make the rules clear and follow the rules yourself. A good, reliable “fuckbuddy” is a great thing. Particularly if you are experimenting with some wilder aspects of your sexuality previously uncharted.

The rules for me with a fuckbuddy are:

#1 You have to be very clear your only intention is fantastic through the roof orgasmic sex.

#2 No texting or calling to say, “how was your day?” or any of that bullshit – texts or calls should be for the purpose of scheduling fuck time or talking dirty to each other about the scheduled “date”.

#3 There is no obligation to text, call or see any number of times or at specific times. There is no obligation for anything other than meeting at agreed upon times for good sex.

#4 No sleepovers. When sex is over there is no obligation for cuddling, small talk and sleeping over. Don’t do household chores together or watch TV (unless it’s porn). This is not a “relationship” – this is sex.

#5 No expectations – there cannot be any expectation of how long the “buddyship” will last, pre-agreed no hard feelings if someone can’t meet or needs to break it off because they got involved with someone else and wants to see where it goes.

#6 No meeting of the person’s friends, family or co-workers.

#7 Honesty without judgment. Agree to explore things of interest without judgment and with respect for one another (i.e., if you say stop, he has to stop and vice versa).

#8 Keep personal stuff to a minimum. Occasionally you will end up sharing some tidbit of what’s going on in your life or work and occasionally they will offer some insight only someone completely removed from the situation can offer. That kind of honesty can be invaluable.

#9 No Whining, no complaining, no clinging, no hard feelings, no attachment. This number is especially hard for most women. So let me repeat…No whining…no complaining…absolutely no clingy behavior…no hard feelings (it’s not a friendship or a real relationship) …and no attachment. Keep it simple, straightforward and fun. Ask for honesty and give it. Keep it sexy. It boosts your confidence, adds to your skills and knowledge, and is fun when executed following the rules.

#10 When it’s over – be done. It’s not a “relationship” the way we know them. It’s recreational sex with the same person. When it’s over let it go, don’t text, don’t call, don’t “FaceBook stalk”. Find a new one. You may have to go through a few before you find your “fuckbuddy soulmate”. Understand this is never meant to be a permanent thing. It will end and that’s okay. Maybe it ends because you found “the one” and are now going to fuck them instead. Meanwhile you are having fun and expanding your knowledge and experience base and hopefully reducing stress!

Cake and Sex~

Tags

BDSM, Dating, ENM, relationships, self awareness, sex

Cake and sex. I found myself referencing this phrase often this month. Every time I over-analyze and go deep only to hit a roadblock, I come back to “if that’s all there is why don’t we just eat cake and have sex all day then?” Get the joy we can in the moment – if the rest is unpredictable and out of control and beyond our scope. I love conversation or thought that causes us to question who we think we are or a limiting belief we may have about something. Limits can be used to help us define ourselves but also prevent growth and expansion into our unrealized potential. The challenging of them feels good to me.

I have interacted with so many people in the last month…gone on a lot of first dates…had a couple second dates…worked for a living…handled a disaster response for the non-profit humanitarian organization I volunteer for (53 units, 141 people displaced), lost money investing in crypto…eventful month. Feel free to skip this post – I’m just rolling it out to keep things straight in my own head. Quick recap…

It started with Costco Mark (aka big box store sized douchebag) first and last date. Dr. Conspiracy and Rude Richard – ended before first date time waste.

Coffee date with Motorcycle Bob made during wine consumption self-pity evening, another coffee date with someone named Mehmet – Turkish man Uber driving his way through life here (was this made during wine consumption also?). Coffee date with Bruce (aka Brucifer)– which had tons of sexual chemistry and got really handsy…only to have him tell me we were “done” a few hours later because of something really stupid. Thinking I dodged a really bad relationship bullet there since he got so hostile and aggressive (he frightened me).  

Shane (aka Boat Boy) coffee and bookstore…looked like might be going somewhere and I would have jumped his bones but he promptly left town for two weeks. I did challenge him to interact with his family differently…just send them love and give them love instead of debating their religious paradigms (my bad…too soon?). Drummer Jon is a continual email interaction…really getting to know him slowly…it will be interesting if and when we meet.

Then there was Howard…first date breakfast, he told me he would be in a big blue van…I almost turned around and went back home (I am a visual person all I could picture was a vintage 1980 blue van which for some reason I instantly thought he might be living in…LOL). Then it turned out it was a Mercedes Sprinter for his business – small sigh of relief…until he was rude to waitstaff – which I am never on board with…I wrote it off to nervousness (I am way too nice), then second date at super expensive waterfront restaurant where he became a superbly shocking dickhead. I stayed until I finished my $85 steak and my very nice wine…because, hello…not going to waste that good shit over his poor manners and bad attitude – we could not “un-match” each other fast enough after dinner (and I don’t think the waitress he was coming on to really hard was impressed either). This asshole told me because men in my life had worked for me, I had to be some kind of controlling bitch (I assure you – I am NOT. I am nice as fucking pie…I did not “make” them work for me…they chose to – wanted to!).

Brucifer 2^nd chance…so much sexual chemistry…phone sex then silence – moving on, thanks anyway.  Boat Boy – Second date (back in town Woo-hoo!) …well-traveled, interesting but super vanilla (maybe I could fix this? Geez…famous last words), cooked for me on his boat – which was sweet. We have such great intellectual conversations they are almost as satisfying as sex.

My NSA FB interspersed throughout the month to keep me pulled together (well, as much as possible). My nickname for him used to be “Hotel Boy” but not anymore…he is definitely not a “boy”. NSA FB seems so impersonal. He needs a new nickname. I have such a fondness and appreciation for him…

Paul…I have photographic proof not all Asian men have small dicks as I was previously told. Today I have two new interactions beginning…we will see how they play out. G1 is really smart and seems to instantly “get” me. G2 seems worldly, not vanilla and Buddhist…that may be a really good match.

All in all, although I was whiney as fuck (sorry), I did keep my pants on most of the time (Yay me!). I had some really great, meaningful conversations. I had some really dumb ones too – LOL. I will attempt to be less whiney and ridiculous in May – No promises because people still exhaust me, and I find most of them very difficult to understand why they do what they do….maybe we should all just eat cake and have sex.

Extremes and Patterns

Tags

Dating, extremes, relationships, self awareness

There is a pattern in my life of extremes.

I’m not sure if it continues because it was that way when I was a child or if it is just the nature of my existence in this lifetime. I look at so many people who don’t live extremes and haven’t lived extremes…they are just rolling around in the spectrum of what would be considered “normal” “average”…the middle in middle class.

For example; when I was in first grade I was going to peace marches, love ins, rolling joints, having adult conversations with adults, sometimes stepping over junkies to get to the bathroom, observing threesomes and moresomes, walking myself to school, encouraged to question all rules and form my own hypothesis, candles and incense all day long, background music at all times ranging from Santana to Dylan to Indian ragas, making my own “meals”, entertaining and caring for myself – that is a pretty “extreme” existence for a 6 year old.

I went from that space, with no adult supervision – to a 3,500 mile road trip when I was 7, to our eventual destination in the Appalachian mountains of Tennessee on a “farm” with no running water and a share cropper shack – with constant microscopic parental supervision. In a different part of the country, suddenly, all the circumstances and rules were different. No more junkies coming by to hang out and get high, but instead “God fearing neighbors” stopping by to talk about crops, soil, livestock, with continuous reference to hell and sparing the rod spoiling the child. New extremes…waking at 5 every morning and feeding all the animals in freezing cold temperatures before getting ready to go to school. Stripping tobacco and working in fields all day in the summer. Homemade clothes. Grand Ole Opry music. Canning. Meals prepared by a parent. No questions allowed – just do as you are told.

Those are two extremely different lives.

The extreme lives continued throughout my childhood…every time we moved it was new version of an extreme. We moved 18 times in 11 years. Which is most likely one reason I declared my independence at age 16 – we were at that time living in a suburb of Boston in a very stately home on acreage with an in-ground pool and a tennis court…a pretty posh existence where there were elaborate corporate parties, and I discovered my love of Chateau Lafite Rothschild and Chopin piano concertos. But I also had a lot of “breakage” from past “lives within the current lifetime” that needed some attention and nurturing, a lot of family dysfunction and I had this idea that I should have accomplished “more” already.  I declared that independence…quit school, started my 3^rd business and moved into a studio apartment with a shared bathroom down the hall in a grittier Boston suburb.

Extremes have just been my pattern. Even as an adult…For a while I was a “stay at home” mom catering to my husband’s every whim – making three meals a day, scrubbing every waking moment, making my existence and sole purpose to serve my husband and babies. I have also been a cold and detached businesswoman, hiring others to do household tasks, making my existence and sole purpose to make shit tons of money. I’ve lived in a torn-up house (husband started a remodel with no real plan, knowledge or money to complete) with dirt for a yard. I have also lived in an 8,000 sq ft. mansion with a pool and a view of the ocean. No wonder I am such a contradiction…the best of times – the worst of times, walking, talking, “Tale of Two Cities” contradiction. Another coincidence – we moved so often, every high school I attended (all 4 of them) they were reading “A Tale of Two Cities”.  I would call it a foreshadowing, but it had already been going on my whole life.

Living extremes has given me appreciation of certain things…first class travel and comfort for one. I have been in row boats and on yachts. I have driven the worst piece of shit cars – I once had a car where the trunk filled up every time it rained and for days after the rain, whenever I turned a corner, water would spill out from the wheel well. I’ve also had Porsches (I love the way they corner) …I had an H3 that I loved as well as a Maserati Ghibli…and a Bentley Flying Spur. The Maserati was a really sexy piece of machinery…and the Bentley well, it was just divine power and quiet luxury (most people did not even know what it was which was just fine with me).

I remember trying to fake living in the middle. Fake having a mediocre life instead of experiencing extremes. As a kid, I tried to pretend I lived a Leave it to Beaver or Brady Bunch life. After making my own lunch and packing it in my lunch box, I used to pretend my mom made it and I didn’t know what was in there. When my kids were in elementary school, for a while I tried to be “normal” – joined the PTA, planned play dates, and tried to have bake sale conversations…then my mom was murdered the day before a field trip. I went anyway but kind of lost my shit and overshared with the other moms…. cover blown. Not “normal”. Fuck y’all I’m moving to a better school district and going to be more “myself”.

I would like to think I gave my kids a stable childhood. But really…how could I? I guess it was “more stable” than mine – less moving – less extremes for them…maybe. Maybe not. They did have a mom still living extremes and a bipolar father, so he had his own “extreme thing” going on. At least I gave them things I never had – they all graduated from college and have been to Europe and they all grew up in just one state.

Anyway, all this reflection on extremes and patterns has me applying it to my current dating experiences. How can a woman who has lived a bunch of lives within this one life settle for a partner who is not complex? A “normal” man…a “mediocre” man will not cut it. Living extremes creates a level of depth, appreciation, and complexity that is not found living “normally” I think. That is why so many men bore me. One conversation and we have reached the deep end of the pool with nowhere else to go. I need a man as deep as the ocean – LOL. That’s why there has to be so much fucking sifting…I am looking for a match that is harder to find! Even with sex… I have experienced “time out” with no sex and also have experienced tons of sex and too many orgasms an hour to count. No wonder the ex-Buddhist Monk and I had such perfect sex – we both understood the extremes. Maybe that is why I lean toward kink – closer to extremes.

Will history define me as a human extremophile? Did I choose to experience a life of extremes for optimal spiritual growth? Or was it just a fluke?

No Match

Tags

Dating, relationships, self awareness, sex

Trying to date (and the dating website) is killing my self-esteem.

Prior to getting on the dating site, I felt okay about myself. I am a strong woman. I have run my own businesses since I started my first at 15 years old. I’m smart. I don’t have a PhD, but I have intelligence. I’m attractive. I’m not 26 – I’m 56, but I’m still attractive. I’ve been told by others I am even “sexy”. I would like more of a defined waist and a flatter tummy – but I haven’t devoted any time to those things because there are more important things to do. I have survived a whole lot of “life” stuff and come out the other side still optimistic and good-natured. I am very sensuous. I love sex and I’m actually maybe a little good at it. I can cook. I read, I write, I think, I communicate. I’m a kind person. I give money to homeless people. I volunteer for a nonprofit humanitarian organization in three different positions while running two businesses and supporting myself. I can be funny and warm. I can be analytical and sometimes wise. I have a positive outlook, mostly sunny disposition and am quite easy to get along with. I’m a fucking peach!

Once I get past the men that seriously look 100 years old…I’m sorry – not shallow – but my partner died (who was only 47). I don’t want someone who looks like they may drop dead today. I just can’t do that again. Next, I try to find some glimmer of intelligence in their profiles. Some are just loaded with look at the fish I caught pics and all their love of sports teams. Seriously guys – are you looking for a woman or a man? I’m supposed to be attracted to you because you love watching sports? Or be irresistibly attracted to you because you know how to kill things and pose with them? Maybe a dude would appreciate those things? Once I weed out those I can’t see myself with…ever…and then weed out the ones I can’t have a conversation with, that leaves just a relative “handful” of potential options.

Of those potential options, oy vey…these are the people who have a million preconceived notions, criteria, opinions, and issues. These are the guys who make me feel bad because I don’t rock climb, don’t eat a Paleo-Pescatarian-Keto diet, don’t have a flat enough stomach, don’t have my retirement squared away, don’t golf…apparently it is also unacceptable for me to have my adult daughter living with me. Apparently it’s a bad thing that the men in my life have worked for me also – per last night’s “date “, that is a sign I am some sort of “controlling bitch”. These guys tell me all the ways I am not enough. Not pretty enough, not fit enough, not anything enough. These guys want you to be fit but not spend all your time at the gym (where you might meet other men and not pay attention to them). They want you to be available to them at any moment yet won’t be available to you without appropriate notice. They want you to be basically a virgin who is also really good at sex and enjoy sex but only with them…ever…in your entire life. They want you to be independent and pay for your own meals, yet don’t want you to have a job that may make you less available when they want you.

I have made concessions in my expectations. I have made allowances in an attempt to make a connection – I don’t expect perfection. Even with my making concessions, I am not enough for these assholes. It makes me want to say, “You don’t even realize I am out of your league and making concessions for YOU”.

Last week I even opened my dating parameters to include women. That hasn’t really even helped. Again, making concessions here….it’s fucking depressing. Meanwhile each time someone finds another way that “I am not enough” it breaks me down a little more.

I still have my NSA fuck buddy, whom I really appreciate to keep me tuned up that way – but again no real relationship…sex only (which is better than nothing) but why am I not enough for him either? If I was, we would have more than a sexual relationship. He says he “isn’t ready for a relationship” but I see him active on the dating site. If he “isn’t ready” and having his physical needs met, why is he still there? Clearly, because I am “not enough”. Yet, somehow always “too much” as well.

Here is what my profile says…is there something wrong with it that makes people asshole-ish to me?

I am open to any and all suggestions to make it better.

I got you babe

Tags

Dating, relationships, self awareness, sex

Stuck in Groundhog Day…of first dates. Each one I have renewed hope. Hope for a connection…real meaning…potential “future”.

It’s getting kind of comical. Each one I try something different for a different outcome – just like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. Each one becomes it’s own little first date disaster.

I have actually done some pretty “out there” things in hopes of a different outcome. The difference is each person on the first date with me is a different person – rather than repeating with the same person of course – so I must look a little nuts to the outside world.

I just want to know…where is the authenticity? At what age can the “rules” of dating go out the fucking window and you just get to be “real” and follow your joy? At what age do people start respecting “realness” and quit trying to judge you for everything instead of just accept and enjoy who you are? I feel myself getting more and more accepting that there may be no one for me. I’m not sure that is a good thing. There is a difference between a healthy level of IDGAF-ness and jaded pessimism.

Sonny & Cher – I Got You Babe (Official Music Video) | Live on Top of the Pops, 1965 – Bing video

Happy fucking friday

Tags

creating your life, Dating, relationships, self awareness, sex, sexual confidence

The on-line dating shit show continues….

Last night was fun for about a minute. There is no long term potential for a couple of reasons. Maybe I’m just feeling dismissed and pouty…and I don’t really want to talk about it right now. I will come back to it another day.

Then bright and early this morning I get an email from someone I talked to for a little bit…he says “It sounds like you are a sincere person, but I don’t sense a future here. You should try to be fun, playful, flirty, humorous and vulnerable. Best of luck to you – Richard”   Really Richard – Fuck you…LOL I am all those things you just never got there with me. Even my fucking blog is fun, flirty, sometimes humorous and always vulnerable…you probably couldn’t even handle all that I am. And by the way Richard, I will continue to say ‘Whoo Hoo” every fucking chance I get – even though you have told me it is not “an appropriate response to anything”.

Another guy was texting me when I was on my date last night. I did not respond – that would be rude. I give my attention to the person in front of me. He was getting more and more upset and continued that this morning. I decided not to respond last night – it isn’t his business where I was or why I didn’t text back immediately. I needed to cut him loose anyway – kind of regretting moving him into my phone and not just on the site. He is well educated – has a PhD, but also thinks COVID is a conspiracy. I just can’t…I don’t want to debate death. Thank goodness this came out before we met face to face. (Mental note made…PhD does not equal safe and sane)

God this shit makes me tired. I never have enjoyed a circus. Except for Fremont Circus (which doesn’t exist anymore) – that was a really cool sexy indoor circus.

This morning I had to go and accept and award for volunteer work in the community – which is cool – but timing is bad. I had a thing taken off my face yesterday totally forgetting I needed to be photographed and videoed…I said “Sorry about the band-aid on my face. This is about volunteering though and not about me being cute – right?” And laughed. What can you do? It will now be recorded for posterity…future generations will say “What happened to her face? Poor dear.”

(Someone should tell me how to find filters so my eyes would look better. This pic looks a little demonic)

I am also disappointed to realize there is still very much a double standard when it comes to expressing sexuality. Men can be open about wanting and needing sex…and having sex. Women are judged harshly for the same exact thing. “Slut shaming” is alive and well in Seattle. As a fucking adult, I should be able to express myself in the most appropriate way for me – without feeling fucking guilty. That is one thing the kink community has over “mainstream” community. The kinky friends will love you no matter what. I now have not had any more sex for the last 13 days…Too fucking long a time… Thank you NSA fuck buddy for scheduling to accommodate me in the next couple days…I will hang on and try not to hurt someone.

This is my new coffee cup. It makes me happy. Sorry to be so cranky today (it has to be in part due to not enough sex!)…the weekend is here – “Whoo Hoo!” (Fuck you “Richard”)

Nobody’s baby…I’m an outlaw – LOL

Tags

Dating, positive direction, relationships, self awareness, sex, sexual confidence

Happy Saturday.

I am dancing in the kitchen listening to Elle King and making candied thick cut bacon on a stick. Why? because bacon on a stick is fucking good 🙂

So far today I have finished 2 books, researched crypto currency (note – no one ever should tell a visual person they are “balls deep” in something…I just can’t get the image to go away….), bought some, had phone sex (because why not?), ordered groceries, danced…candied bacon…and it’s not yet 9am. Productivity at it’s finest.

Why is my phone so spastic and just bad? Text conversation today T: “Women’s sexy clothing is kinda self bondage” Me: “True. Especially the shoes. I’m not sure Ben appreciate it enough to make it worth the effort.” Me: “MEN not Ben – I don’t know Ben.”

Hosting an outdoor, socially distanced birthday celebration for my youngest daughter’s partner Julia today. That should keep me out of trouble for the afternoon 😉

Potentially great idea? If I need to go back on a dating site, instead of long introduction trying to have the right balance of sane and sexy, smart but not intimidating “stuff” – how about this?

Highly sexual, sometimes kinky INTJ (Looking for whatever is of interest to her, but likely a final LTR)
Submit application and Resume. I will get back to you.

Maybe it would weed out the weak and stupid in some Darwinian way? Let the cream rise to the top?

Side note: Really appreciating Instacart lately. Order groceries in the middle of the night – they show up like magic. Makes me happy.

It’s a New Day

Tags

creating your life, Dating, positive direction, relationships, self awareness, sex

I feel sooo much lighter! I just went in and figured out how to completely cancel the dating app (vs just being invisible)…it’s okay I paid too much for being there for 3 weeks (don’t offer a woman a discount for 3 or 6 months – it’s just rude).

I’m free again – free from the “people-ness”!

I’m doing my dorky happy dance and channeling my inner Anna Kendrick.

I made one really good friend. We will stay friends. And I will be his wing woman when he needs it. We didn’t match perfectly kink wise but I love him as a friend…he is just as messy and complicated as me (but smarter).

I have a standing NSA fuck buddy whenever I need/want it. We will stay friends. My new “Daddy”. Way smarter and wiser than me…I adore him.

And by some miracle, I have a real potential person that might work out that I am super excited about. I will do my best not to fuck up building on that potential.

Please, please, please let me never ever go back there to dating app hell.

I know I’m up, I’m down – I’m everywhere. Knowing me is a fucking roller coaster when I try to be social. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” I’m a classic. A walking, talking, breathing contradiction. It’s okay – the whiplash will grow on you 🙂

Dark Matter

Tags

Dating, relationships, self awareness

String theory would be my friend today – or so I thought…today everything has a double meaning. “Two particles interact – they slam together – and cause the path of each to be deflected.” Even science isn’t making me feel better. It’s fucking with me too. I tried to distract myself from the icky feelings I created being mentally and emotionally naked in front of a stranger. I had a weird intersection of real life and anonymous blog life. Bad idea.

It’s not safe for a woman like me – out in the real world with shields down. ”Un-matched”, “Deleted”.  I am okay alone, I just thought it would be nice to have company again. I miss having a partner. I am too much. Always. Too much, too soon, too fast. I’m over-reacting. I can’t help it if it hurts deeply. It’s a lifetime of not being understood and being misunderstood. It’s cumulative you know. Plus I have been on figurative tilt for several weeks now because of the stupid dating site.

So much stupidity out there. I’m better off to shut it down again…back into “time out” …the sexual desire will stop if I ignore it and don’t feed it. I need to just not kiss anyone or let them touch me. There are enough books and articles on this planet to sustain my mind for the time I have left. I will sign up for another disaster relief operation for my heart. Helping others is good. Hurricane season is coming…I will position myself to be ready to go. I will do what I can to make the world a better place for other people. I will show kindness and compassion even if no one gives it back.

Maybe it was a bad idea to try to engage socially again. I need to just stick to the arm’s length interactions with people who think they know me but really don’t. They only know the small slice I let them see. This blog needs deleting. It hurts to be authentic. One of my friends who does really know me said I just need to slow down. Try to follow the rules of dating. I act like a tornado. And a hurricane. At the same time…during a blizzard. I’m too intense.

I hear myself telling myself “happiness is a choice – remember…you wrote about that quite a lot”. Maybe that was bullshit. Maybe it was to get me through a really fucked up thing or twenty.

It’s the human interaction on the “feeling” level that always fucking breaks me. When will I learn? Stay in my lane – stick with the logic and the distance. I know I’m not “undesirable” as far as the opposite sex is concerned…but I sure am unlovable it seems. Every time I put myself out there, I end up harder and tougher. Maybe I will finally get it through my head not to put myself out there at all.

I just don’t belong out in the world interacting with normal people…Heavy sigh.

**Update. Overthinking strikes again. He didn’t knowingly delete me.(BS?) I’m just going to leave this right here to remind myself of the perils of overthinking and jumping to conclusions. What would I want someone to do if the situation were reversed? I would say “just fucking ask me”. Next time I will. **2nd update – he ended up ghosting me.

I don’t want to be a girl today

Tags

Dating, relationships, self awareness

Okay – what are you so scared of? You are fucking fearless. What is this bullshit? I am so in my head about this…

What if I finally stumbled across one of the few men on the planet who might really understand me AND be okay with who I am and how I think…what if I did and he meets me and doesn’t like the way I look? Mentally and emotionally I’ve already stepped out there “naked” and said “hey this is me” but what if I’m not cute enough or pretty enough or just “enough”? I can deal with rejection all the time in lots of areas because people don’t really understand me, but to get rejected by someone who understands me would be extra crushing.

Maybe I should buy a Peleton today and work out really hard for 6 months before meeting him? (This actually occurred to me at 3am!) Get a tummy tuck and a boob lift real quick? Move to a foreign country and start over? Meet him as soon as possible to rip off the band-aid so I can go to bed for a month to recover from the loss and get back to work?

UGH!!!! I hate dating. I hate the weak, whiny, insecure person it makes me. If I were a guy would I be worrying like this? I don’t think so.

Update** Realized I’ve been “unmatched”. Guess I don’t need a Peleton after all. I even bought the graphic novel to know him better. It’s okay. I know how to be alone….I just thought maybe I didn’t have to be. **

I’ll have what she’s having please

Tags

Great sex, relationships, self awareness, sex, sexual confidence

So…another issue on my mind. Clarity around ways of having sex or types of sex. Here is some stuff I found when I did a quick google of “difference between having sex and fucking”:

MAKING LOVE: Tender, slow, usually missionary or cowgirl positions, lots of eye contact and whispering about feelings.

FUCKING: Animalistic, hard, rough. Doggy-style or missionary positions preferred. Hair-pulling and back-scratching encouraged. This isn’t about feelings, it’s about pleasure.

HAVING SEX: Anything that’s not one of the first two. Can be anywhere from soft to hard, but really having sex is about exploration. This is where you play games, explore fantasies, and tease, tease, tease. All positions included, the more complex the better.

Another way to say it: You fuck with your body, you make love with your heart, but you have sex with your mind.

Well, as far as “making love” goes, I don’t really want to whisper about “feelings” (besides I do have some hearing loss in my left ear so I may not hear you – bad story for another day). But I do get the sentiment and it’s fine on occasion if it makes my partner happy or maybe we are tired and just wanting a lovely, soft exchange. I’m down.

Fucking, yes. I do like that…a lot. Any and all positions…back-scratching?! Not sure about that…LOL

Having sex other than the first two, yep. I’m down with that also. Exploration/experimentation is fun.

I guess the takeaway is, for many sex is an expression of love. For me it’s more. Or can be. It’s a full on mind/body meld when it’s ”right” or it can just be an expression of a moment in time in all it’s glory, passion and “nowness” – with or without “love”. Sex is one of the few times I can stop thinking if I choose and just “be” in the physical pleasure of it – which is kind of nice when a girl is in her head all the time.

I guess I like people to know how to do them all. (And the ones that make me even stop to think about it).

Legendary creature anyone?

Tags

Dating, INTJ, MBTI, relationships, self awareness

Meyers-Briggs INTJ

This explains so very much. It even explains why I have always felt I didn’t really understand other women as well as I should. They aren’t like me. It’s not another “broken” thing about me, it’s just the way I’m built. Even though I will tell you all day long – I don’t give a fuck what most people think of me – it is oddly comforting to know I am not alone in my quirks.

My husband used to accuse me of “making a face”. It was the actual source of him yelling at me and calling me names. I told him so many times – I did not “make a face”, this is just my face. If you think my face is saying you’re an asshole, maybe you just feel guilty because you are one? Sometimes that face makes people tell you things they didn’t mean to also. Apparently, that is a thing INTJs do/have. And really, like I told my husband it doesn’t mean anything. I might be bored, lost in thought or processing how I’m going to meet whatever need I hear you telling me you have. It really is just my face. I’m not trying to tell you something with it.

If I have something to say, I will tell you. That is part of the personality type also. I suck at small talk – always have, even as a child. Adults were sometimes shocked because they would try to make pleasant small talk with me and I would just ask them some random off the wall question, most likely way too personal, because well…inquiring minds want to know. Inappropriate questions – check…part of being INTJ. Over the years I have learned to be more tactful (sometimes…mostly) – thank goodness – but I still prefer to be bluntly, straight-forwardly honest. I will say nothing (and that’s okay – don’t panic) or go deep. I don’t operate well or long in the in-between. Really kind of relieved maybe that’s not another “broken” thing about me – it’s just a personality trait and other people are that way too. Again, oddly comforting…

Not playing with other kids much as a child, but spending my days exploring the woods or riding my horse or reading everything in sight – including at one time volumes of the encyclopedia. I read Thoreau, Kahlil Gibran, and Ram Dass at age 7 or 8. I blamed my parents for not having more age-appropriate reading material around…maybe it wasn’t their fault? Socially awkward much – LOL. Not ever feeling “girly” enough – yes, for sure. Easy A’s at school of course – if you have half a brain and a little common sense, that is easy. Competitive – guilty. Overthinking and always curious, yep. Accused of being “cold-hearted” or “not playing nice” at work – yes, which is one of the reasons it’s best for me to be the boss or work alone. Misunderstood – most definitely…every day of my life!

Apparently INTJs also have problems with authority – oh yes, we do. Especially incompetent authority! I have such a history with this you have no idea. I worked at Burger King for 6 hours as a teenager. Then quit and started a business of my own. I have also always had a little bit of an issue with perfectionism. I don’t really expect it from others, but I do from myself if left unchecked. I’m actually very disappointed in myself for not finding the cure for cancer or creating world peace already. Less emotional – check. Or even really knowing how to process emotion all that well – check again. People exhaust me – yes. Time alone to recharge – yes, please. Relationships difficult because I want them to be logical – yes. Feel different than everyone around me – yes. Weird humor – yep, me again…either that or overly literal and not getting the joke.

I do have a tribe. They don’t know where I am and aren’t even looking, but I do belong. This makes me feel happy. Although the fact most women are not this personality type, still makes me kind of an odd duck…or so one website says a “unicorn”. Someone I volunteer with gave me something about a sexy nonprofit unicorn…I have been called a unicorn in another regard also. I am not comfortable with that label. Again – no surprise, labels never fit me well.

MWAH

Overthinking again

Tags

BDSM, Dating, relationships, self awareness

I have recently discovered there are different types of Doms. Apparently, the rest of the world knows this, I have found after some googling…

Many times I have declared “he’s not really a Dom” after an encounter only because he wasn’t the type I expected or didn’t express his dominance the way I prefer. There are also layers of skill to dominating. I’m not sure there is enough research or talk about the skill required to be good. A good Dom should care the sub has pleasure also. They should know how to extract the pleasure from the sub who is trying so earnestly to meet the needs of the Dom – that creates a level of loyalty/commitment and cements those submissive acts into pleasure linked synapses. When I have flipped the script and dominated, I took great pride and joy from making my temporary sub feel enormous pleasure in being dominated…(the kind of pleasure they will look back on with a little embarrassment and a lot of happiness).

There are Alpha doms, soft-core doms, sadistic doms, daddy doms, Master doms…the list goes on. Of course there are varying degrees of each type as well. It’s basically a “dom buffet” out there if you figure out where to look. (I also should remember to be really careful saying I want one, because the wrong dom will make me fight like a hell cat I’m quite certain and that would not be a happy time for anyone involved.)

Any dominant should treat the submission they are given as a valuable gift. Taking it for granted is not a good idea. I have also discovered the term “submissive” is not a “one size fits all” label either. Service submissive (hello 24 year fucking marriage of service-duh. I even ironed his shirts daily), Sexual submissive, Forced Submissive, Smart-assed Masochist, Littles, Slaves, Furries, Primals, Pro, etc. and all them of course come in varying degrees.

I think…maybe…since we are all unique, maybe each person is their own little “cocktail”. A mix of one part this, two parts that. (I might be two parts sexual sub, one part smart-assed masochist, with a side of little) I think it may change for different times in your life too. I’m quite sure I used to be three parts service and one-part sexual sub.

I’m also trying to wrap my brain around the difference between kink and fetish. From what I gather, kink is an activity or behavior one enjoys outside of the “norm”. A fetish appears to be a thing or act that is required for arousal. I have “fetishy” days (yes, it’s a word – I just used it), but I think I am more kinky that fetishy.

The trick is finding the partner you can communicate with to get the right balance and mix for optimum relationship longevity and bliss. I guess the point is we are all snowflakes and need to appreciate the uniqueness in ourselves and others.