The last few weeks have been interesting. That’s my way of saying it’s been a shit show…
I don’t think I have ever shared it here, but I have fibromyalgia. I have learned to keep it under control. If I eat right, listen to my body and rest when needed, meditate, do yoga, keep the stress levels down…it is pretty well controlled now. So well controlled I haven’t had any serious flareups actually for years. I even forget I have it sometimes until it flares up and knocks me on my ass – which is what happened this week. It makes me unable to sleep, yet I’m exhausted and my body hurts…my joints hurt, especially my hips, and there is a gnawing pain on the inside of my bones (I know how bizarre that sounds and every doctor I have ever described that to has looked at me like I am absolutely insane). It is triggered by stress.
I also don’t think I have shared here that I am an energetic empath. I can walk into a house and tell you if the people that lived there were happy or not… among other things. In my real estate career, I have mostly worked for institutions selling their foreclosed homes. I prefer to work for banks or government organizations because they don’t deal in emotion. You do your job and do it well and everything is good. Of course, there is emotional energy left in the houses, but I have learned how to deal with that. I energetically protect myself before going in. (Don’t roll your eyes and think I’m a whacko…everything on the planet is comprised of energy and it affects everything else – we can debate it another day). I also feel I have a responsibility to clear the house of negative stuff before it gets new people. Before I started doing that, you would be amazed how history would repeat itself. A divorce house would have another divorce, etc. One house I experienced what it felt like to be an elderly person with dementia – I would feel dizzy and confused…that one was extra hard to clear – as was one of the suicide houses I had.
The past few months I have been working with a client who needs to sell her house and buy another house. Not only has my bank business gone dead thanks to COVID, but I actually sold her parents the house she lives in 25 years ago, so I am both honored and obligated to assist. The problem is both her parents died there, she is a drug addict with an adult aged brother who is a complete shut-in and has never had a job, she is unemployed, they have never really lived anywhere else – so moving is traumatic, she has an infant and a boyfriend who is absolutely worthless as far as helping her with anything…and the house is packed full of stuff. The dad died in the yard while mowing the grass when the kids were teens, and the mom died recently of cancer. There is so much emotion with all of that…and it has taken a toll on me. One of the things about working with real people instead of an institution is they text you at night, on the weekends, 7 days a week…you don’t get a break from their drama or needs. I will absolutely see this through. I am mid-way through, but oh my gosh… it is exhausting. I also have a couple of other clients right now that are people and not institutions.
My second business involves being sent by an escrow company to people’s homes to help them sign their loan documents on home purchases or refinances. This job can involve weird hours and you get paid per signing – so you never know really over the course of a month, how much you will make. I started this business March of 2020 because I knew I would need extra income with the lockdown happening and of course moratoriums on evictions and foreclosures were going to dramatically affect my business and my ability to meet my obligations.
I recently thought it sounded like a good idea to take a third job. I decided to become a casino dealer. That would enable me to work in the middle of the night, weekends and holidays – and I thought it might actually be fun helping other people have fun. There is much more to being a casino dealer than you would think…so much to learn!! Not only did I forget I had fibro, but I also forgot about being an empath. Casinos are very loud and noisy, and jam packed with emotion (mostly desperate emotion). As a dealer, you have to yell out things to the floor supervisor and pit – “Suited match $350 out $25 up!”, “Black in play!”, “Cash change $500, 5 black out!”. I do not even like to raise my voice, much less “yell”. I hate to admit it…I am too old for three jobs. And the casino environment is too much for me energetically.
We also got COVID in the house a couple weeks ago. My daughter’s partner Julia got it from a client at the waxing salon during a lip wax. I was so afraid my daughter would come down with it…she has an immune disease, and the virus could for sure kill her. We were all immunized, but Julia caught it anyway. It was an extra stressful couple of weeks with Julia in isolation in one room and everyone masking inside the house and me disinfecting common surfaces constantly and getting tested multiple times. I can confidently say now that particular storm has passed. Julia has recovered, and my daughter and I did not get it.
Also, I really did quit all the dating sites. I announced – to no one in particular – the Universe will have to send me the right person another way. I am not built for the way people interact on dating sites. Someone who read my blog asked to communicate via email, so I did. We shared very personal stories, connected very quickly and for a moment I thought “Wow – the Universe listened and managed to send me someone without a dating site!” I gave him my real cell phone number…if you google it, you know who I am, where I work, my home address…everything. Then he disappeared without a trace. That really freaked me out. I had even joked with him about not wanting to become a cautionary tale for next season’s Lifetime movie channel. Disappeared – with him now having the ability to know exactly who I am and where I am and knowing everything about me because I share here openly all my “stuff”. And I don’t really know that he is who he said he is…I probably never shared this here before either, but my mom was murdered when she was 49. People are not always who they seem to be. It can be a very scary world out there. So… there is that stress.
Combining the stress of the three jobs, the stress of the sickness in the house, the drain of dealing with real people energetically, all the stress the dating sites and dating has put on me…I had a physical and emotional meltdown. It started with not being able to sleep even though I was exhausted. So, in the middle of the night one night, I texted Tom (usually referred to as my fuck buddy, my daddy dom, or my hotel boy). I texted “awake?”. He was not. A couple hours later he texted back that he had just gotten up and was getting ready for work and was sorry he hadn’t been awake when I texted. I didn’t respond…I hadn’t yet realized what my problem was (fibro and empathetic crap) and in the light of day couldn’t tell him the barrage of stuff I was feeling. In the middle of the night, we have had some really meaningful exchanges that were very comforting. There is something about baring your soul in the dark on a sleepless night that is safer than in the harsher morning light. Besides, he had work to do…I had work to do…
Later at the end of the day between appointments I had an hour I needed to kill before my last appointment. With traffic it didn’t make sense to go home, so I parked in a parking lot and thought I might play Scrabble on my phone or something and kill the time. I felt guilty for not responding to Tom’s morning response to me, so I texted him back that I was glad my text didn’t wake him up – it was just an existential crisis – no biggie! With and upside-down emoji to lighten it up. He immediately texted back, “Fuck! (wide eyed emoji) Talk to me” “Call me” and then he promptly called me before I could say “no worries, I’m fine”. I wasn’t fine. I burst into tears and told him I wasn’t okay working three jobs, and I don’t know why I’m crying, and do you think everything is random or things happen for a reason? And I don’t want to cry to you, and I have nothing really to say…all while sobbing. Fuck – what a basket case, right? He said, “I wish I was there to wrap my arms around you”, “Where are you?” I explained I was in a parking lot waiting for 6pm to meet with people and their interpreter for a signing, no I wasn’t driving. He said “I’m just going to be with you here in your feelings. Cry, talk…whatever you need to do…I’m just here with you. Imagine my arms around you, holding you.” You have no idea how comforting and supportive that felt, while at the same time a little embarrassing. I told him I didn’t want to just sit there crying and saying nothing – wasting his time because I couldn’t explain why I was such a mess. He reassured me that it was okay…just be…there is nowhere else he wanted or needed to be and he was just going to sit with me in my sadness. We talked a little between my sobs. I told him how tired I was and about COVID in the house and how three jobs might be too many and how I miss life with a real partner and how I feel like nobody seems to see the value in me and what I might bring to a relationship – I feel discounted and discarded. He reassured me that everyone is having extra stress right now and everything will be okay…a lot of empaths are talking about how much loneliness and sadness people are experiencing right now. (Which later – like a light bulb – reminded me I am an empath, and I am absorbing my client’s energy and the casino energy – duh!) I pulled myself together and he got me laughing a bit before I had to go to my appointment, and I jokingly promised not to burst into tears in front of the Chinese people and their interpreter. He had me feeling better. He checked on me after the appointment too.
That night, still not sleeping – but feeling emotionally better remembering why I was so overwhelmed – the fibro pain set in. I spent the next few days mostly in bed. I would get up, pull on some clothes, do a signing, come back home, strip down and get back in bed. I’m still doing that…Trying to rest and get things back under control. I did sleep 5 hours last night, so I’m doing better. The pain is starting to subside some parts of the day. I am getting better. Tom and I have also talked a little more and that has been really good. He has told me not to question if I am thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough – I am enough and I am a wonderful woman in every sense and I should ignore any fucker who makes me feel otherwise. He has reassured me (even though I didn’t ask for it) that he will always be around for me…” friends forever”. We have talked about dating site stress, how people are “Goldilocks-ing” … only giving each person 30 second to impress them that they are the right fit and there are 7 more amazing sounding people lined up to talk to and how it’s hard to maneuver the social world right now. (When the word “Goldilocks-ing” catches on and everyone starts using it, I know where it originated). I also asked him what special ingredient I am missing that would ever make him see me as more than a “friend”. He honestly didn’t know…and I am actually okay with that. The last week he has been my rock and my soft place to land at the same time and I appreciate him more than ever. Right now, I feel very content in his brand of friendship. I’m still free to experience other people, other relationships…but he is there…not going anywhere. That is comforting. We are all works in progress.
I’m going to spend the weekend taking bubble baths, meditating, doing yoga and napping.