Lots of random thoughts are rolling through my mind this morning. Please excuse my “Kerouac-ing”… I woke up this morning in the middle of swirls and waves of icky emotion and energy, so I need to figure it out. I am quite sure it won’t make sense to anyone else, so if you stopped by for funny dating encounters – today is not the day…just carry on with your other blog reading.
I cleared my room before I went to sleep because I had been mentally processing some things (or trying to). I thought I slept well, but I am not rejuvenated. I don’t remember any dreams and I woke up exactly positioned the way I fell asleep 7 hours earlier…my fitness tracker didn’t register any sleep – it says it had an error.
My energy feels jittery. Un-centered. Majorly disturbed. My mind feels the same way. Before I meditate, I need to understand this more…roll around in it…I see my client was messaging me all night – I can’t even open those yet. I have boundary problems. I understand why…combination of being an empath and having been not allowed to have them as a child. It’s fucked up. The easiest way for me to cope is to shut everyone and everything out…disconnect from myself to deal with the world and then disconnect with the world to deal with myself. That is more of a coping strategy than a healthy way of dealing with things.
There are times when I again try to balance and have boundaries without complete disconnect from anything. This is what I have been doing the last week or so. So, what is the problem? The thing that comes to mind when I be still for a moment and ask the question is… that space when I was a child where I so desperately wanted to feel loved, safe and secure. In my world “love” as a child did not feel like what I feel it “is”. What it is for me and feels like it should be… right here right now… is a calm all encompassing energetic light where you know every aspect of yourself is acceptable, desirable, and beautiful. Like the love I feel for my children…unconditional, all encompassing, mixture of respect for their soul, adoration of their essence and expression of their souls and unwavering “support”. It is an energy. A very beautiful energy.
When I was a child “love” was conditional. It came – it went – it wasn’t actually “love” it was manipulation of me through withholding of attention and acceptance. (I should note here – my mom was not guilty of this withholding and manipulation, but was trying also to feel loved herself, so had no time or knowledge of how to give it to me). Because of this, on occasion I show up in the world very energetically “needy” for “love”. And my childhood was most definitely was not “safe and secure”. I spent a lot of time while raising my children pausing to “parent myself also” so I could feel I was coming from a place of pure unconditional love and giving it freely to those around me and just “be” there steadily for them while they figured out their own true essences. I was very intentional and mindful about it. I have struggled to give it to myself – this pure unconditional love – but there are times I accomplish it…sometimes for fairly long periods of time. I think though the act of disconnecting from myself to deal with the world disrupts the flow of pure unconditional love to myself. Why would it be disconnected right now? I have spent the last week or so in intensive self-care…Yoga, meditation, energy cleansing, making appropriate energetic boundaries, thoughtfully pondering healthy choices and conscious intentions.…
My higher self says… as I ask… it’s because I have focused too much on something and there is a wanting and withholding feeling from that situation that has triggered these childhood neediness and abandonment feelings. Ouch. I just want to relax into a committed secure loving place “all in”…not have to compartmentalize. The right person and situation will not make me “want” or effort…it will flow naturally. I have to release any hope for this situation. I have to be thankful for what I have learned, because it was important. And move forward alone. In a love bubble by myself… It makes me sad, because I want to share it. The sadness will leave eventually…there isn’t much room for it in a love bubble. This “withholding” feeling is painful and causes me to disconnect from my own self and self-love, because it was a habit deeply ingrained from childhood to protect myself. I just want to frolic in joy, bliss and playfulness instead of “wantingness” and fear of abandonment…hamster wheel brain again…I had this level of intimacy before…I want it back. Every tiny glimpse of it makes my entire being crave it. I feel emotional pain. I really hate feelings….I understand they are necessary…the “nav” system of life…I have to let go of the desire I have.
[***Update: I realize I need to release old patterns and ways of thinking to move forward. Now that I’ve been able to pinpoint it, I can intentionally release it. The past does not equal the future if you quit dragging it around with you. I have to consciously choose a new response to an old trigger. I will focus on things to be thankful and grateful for and release the rest.*** ]
Okay…I guess I do feel somewhat better just sorting that out. Likely I will update these thoughts later in the day after my meditation and yoga because I don’t feel done analyzing it yet.
Another thought…I need to change the name of my blog and “who” I call myself in the blogging world. I am no longer the “Undomesticated Bitch”. I have changed. The “undomesticated” part was my wanting to be wild and free again and the “bitch” part was to take away the power of the men in my world who were calling me one…particularly in business. There has been a shift. I am softer and different…maybe even more fragile in some respects…or more acknowledging of the fragility and less fight or flight about it on some level? I don’t know what the name will evolve to yet but I feel the need for that change.
And another thought…for the last 8-10 days I have had days of waves of intense vibration and energy in my sacral chakra. This has been a recurring thing in the last 10 years or so (not every day – just blocks of time for days, weeks, months). I wish I understood it. The other day someone intentionally shared some energy with me…I was already feeling some…then “boom” powerful waves not only in the sacral chakra, but also heart and throat extending all the way through the crown chakra and down through my feet simultaneously…I had to immediately grab the counter for support so it didn’t knock me over and then sit down on the kitchen floor – for an instant before I sat down, I “saw” energetic hands on each side of my hips (where my fibro pain usually centers) running some energy in that area at one point. Does my friend know Reiki and never told me? Or was that someone else who popped in because my shields were down at that moment and I wasn’t in blocking mode? Anyway, my first instinct was to block everything (momentary panic because intense energy is usually a very bad thing) but instead, I relaxed into it and rode the delicious waves. It came and went the next couple of hours (very distracting when you are driving) but it put me in a really good feeling place energetically. People’s pets at the houses I go to for signings always like me, but on that day they were all curling up at my feet and falling asleep…each owner said their pets had never done that before…it happened four different places.
I used to try to numb myself from some of the energy I could sense with chemicals. Weed, nicotine, caffeine, sugar, for a brief block of time alcohol…not that it really helped – I was just making myself “cloudy”. Over the years I stopped doing that (I don’t want to be that person). I have a coffee in the morning – but not all day. Sometimes sugar is okay. I don’t smoke weed anymore (and actually became allergic to it), rarely drink anything alcoholic and gave up nicotine (which was really hard). When I was in NOLA, swept up in the energy of the place one night…dancing, drinking, tossing beads and singing on a balcony…being free in the moment…someone offered me weed. I said “no thanks, but I smell a clove cigarette and it really seems good to me at this moment…can I have one of those?”. Magically I was not given just one, but a whole pack of cloves to keep. It had been a million years since I had a clove…so yummy. I was instantly hooked on nicotine again (why had I not remembered that was in there? all I had thought of was the taste and smell of clove and I was swept up in the joy of dancing and singing). So I am working with that. Gently weaning myself back off. If I had smoked just the one, maybe I would have been okay…but I had a whole pack to intersperse through the rest of my stay. This is a demon I know how to fight but it doesn’t make it easier…and I’m so disappointed in myself for letting it happen. I have an addictive personality – I am aware – which is why I keep myself reigned in.
I have to deal with this client…the one who has so much bad energetic stuff going on. Today I will try to use my energy to intuit what house I should suggest she buy and to manifest the right opportunity for her challenging situation. That is my intention.
Yeah – I know…I’m all over the place this morning and can’t seem to settle in to meditate. All of this is supposed to be happening…I just need to surrender to it.
Another thought… Words have power. And energy. They have the most constructive power – the ability to change someone’s life at times – when spoken out loud. It’s important to use your words to convey to people you encounter in your life, work and basically everywhere your understanding, appreciation, acceptance, and love of them. You may think they “know” these things and they don’t need to be said. That’s not true. Today is my youngest daughter’s birthday. I will take a moment to intentionally give her the words she needs to hear she may not even know she needs to hear. [***Update: this made her very happy. She feels loved, supported and valued 🥳.]
After meditation, I pulled a couple cards to see what the Universe would like to tell me today. I got Temperance and the three of Pentacles. My understanding from those cards is; First card: Don’t do drastic right now. No “all or nothing” choices. Slow down the desire for excess in any one area right now. Clearing energy of extremes allows for more flow. Blending energies, appreciating moderation, creating harmony, masculine and feminine balance, fluidity of time, meditation, accept the perpetual motion of life, neutrality, restraint, patience and purpose. For the second card: Step into the vibration of conscious collaboration. Relationships are the base of your well-being and co-creating for the good of the whole is powerful magic. There is no limit to what you can manifest together. Align goals and create peaceful unions. Welcome people into your heart and open doors of possibility that didn’t exist before. When life paths are entwined, strive to create harmonic states as you weave your way out of one another’s days. Cooperation, sharing, listening, co-creation, teamwork, unique essences blending energies to create something totally new. I’m going to have to sit with that…let it sink in a bit before I untangle it more…or show some “patience and restraint” and just let it be…
All is well…I’m messy 🤷♀️ at least I’m ”real”.