Daddy issues continued…

Tags

BDSM, Daddy, DD/lg, relationships, self awareness

I am still off the dating sites and frankly it feels good. I can’t handle the never-ending parade of people and all the sorting and sifting of information and energy that has to take place. It’s okay. I have learned and grown again…that is always a good thing.  

It doesn’t mean I won’t be having sex… I’m not at this moment completely sure how… but it will completely work itself out. I am surrendering to the Universe on that. I have disconnected from my whole self and my body far too much in the last four years (and much to much other decades of life as well), but no more whining from me because of being overwhelmed by the dating parade since it isn’t happening.

I found two blog entries from a blogger named “Cerebral Sir” that are speaking to me on a very deep level…a place I didn’t know about until this last journey back into the dating world.  (I will share links to these blog posts at the end to ensure he gets credit for his meaningful words).

Some of his words gave tangible expression to things I felt inside and had not yet been able to verbalize…or maybe even completely acknowledge? Here are the ones that speak to me the most…

“For some girls, “I love you” isn’t enough. It doesn’t satiate all her needs. It leaves an emptiness deep inside their stomachs. Maybe that emptiness is everywhere.”  “If I could reach inside her, I would. I’d dig out all the waste until I found what matters. What do I tell a woman who has been hurting since she was a little girl? How do I go back in time and create a safe space where she can skip along unafraid? I’ve kissed her forehead 1000 times. I’ve held her just as many. I’ve wiped away her tears. All that helps, but when my arms are wrapped around her, I dare not squeeze too tight. It still feels like she is ready to crumble.” “It’s ok if it’s not enough. But see how I don’t turn away. Watch as I carry her across a field of broken glass barefoot. Find me a dragon and I’ll slay it. I will build walls around us brick by brick until my fingertips are raw tender flesh. Is she not safe? Will she ever be? If I stand guard through the dark, does she not trust that I won’t let anything hurt her?” “ I whisper these words, “Daddy loves you,” and she melts in my hands. I have to hold her up from falling. I whisper it again, “Daddy loves you,” and now I’m feeling it, too.” “I only now realize it. She’s been holding her breath. Not just here in this moment. She has been holding her breath since I met her. She has probably been holding it long before that. Her chest expands and contracts for the first time.” “It doesn’t have to make sense. It doesn’t have to be reasoned. It’s what she needs to hear. It’s what I need to say. Now that it’s been discovered others can discover it, too. Others need to hear these words. Others need to say them. So, let it be said to the soul. Let it be heard by the soul. “I know you’ve never been safe before but now you are. I’ve found you. I was meant to find you. I’m your Daddy. And your Daddy loves you.”

“Let me tell you what being your Daddy means to me. It means your hurt is like flames on the horizon. It’s like collisions in traffic. It’s like all the windows of a building shattering at the same time. I can’t look away. Little girl, I get that your whole life you’ve been told to push through. You’ve been told to ignore it. No one wanted the burden of your hurt. It’s OK if you say nothing. Rest your head on my shoulder. Let me put my arm around you. Little girl, let’s sit in the quiet together. Close your eyes when my lips press to your forehead. Yes, this pain will pass. And it will come back. And it will pass again. It will lay dormant under the surface. Allow it to rise. Allow it to fill the space around us and weigh on us like an oppressive heatwave.”

“By now you know I can take it. Being your Daddy isn’t just about the spankings and the orgasms. More than anything, it’s about this unbreakable connection. It’s bigger than boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s grander than being lovers. Look into my eyes when I tell you, “Daddy loves you.” Do you think my voice wavers? Do you think I have any doubt? Little girl, I’m your daddy because I want to be everything for you. I want to be your boyfriend and lover. I want to be your dominant. I want to be your friend. I want to be your family. I want to be the one who guides you through the hurt and the happiness. I want to be the one you reach for in the dark.

So, when you’re having an “off day;” when depression shows its face, know that I am never far. You can tell because you’ll feel my lips on your neck. My hand will slide into yours. My fingers will run through your hair. I’ll be the one wiping away your tears. That warmth you feel will be my body squeezing yours. Little girl, I am your Daddy. I’m your Daddy when you’re horny. I’m your Daddy when you’re bored. I’m your Daddy when you’re angry. I’m your daddy when you’re happy. And maybe most importantly I’m your Daddy when you’re sad. I’m an all-weather Daddy. Let it rain. Let it snow. Let massive pellets of hail come crashing down on us. It doesn’t matter if the flood waters rise. It’s OK if the winds rip through our town. When it feels like you can’t take it any longer look to your side. That’s where I will be. Little girl, that’s where I will always be.”

I now see that was actually most of his words – LOL – I could have just shared them all. What a beautiful expression of what DD/lg is about (at least for me). If you remember the post, “What kind of dom is this?” from March…surprise – THIS is what kind of dom it is. My days with any other type of dom are over. And that feels good. Clarity is always good. Every time I hear the words “punkin'”, “honey”, “sweetheart”, “baby girl”… I will melt and my brain will instantly go to the floaty sub space where I can let go… I don’t want to hold my breath anymore.

Thank you The Cerebral Sir, for your eloquence.

The Birth of Daddy Loves You – The Cerebral Sir

All-Weather Daddy – The Cerebral Sir

Daddy Issues ~

Tags

BDSM, Daddy, DD/lg, sex

When it was first suggested to me someone’s kink was to be “Daddy” to a “Little Girl”, honestly – my first response in my mind was “Eewwwe”, “No Thank you – I am a full-grown woman”. I had to ask a million questions…because well… that’s who I am. I had learned of this preference/kink after some amazing sex with this person…seriously he could make me orgasm by just massaging my butt or ever so gently running his fingers around on my back and sides in circles – it’s like all the nerve endings in my entire body are alive and wired for his touch – it’s crazy!

Daddy issues…Some of us legitimately have them. I know I do…abandonment, abuse – it’s not pretty. I had to ask him, “Does this mean you fantasize about having sex with a child? Or someone not age-appropriate? Does it mean you want to have sex with your niece? – The answer was “No” “It’s just the situation in my mind when I am having sex/play time”.

Upon asking a truly annoying number of questions, and then following up with my own research, I found this style of “Dom” is just that…another form of dominance and play. The sex was so good with him, I decided to play along. I figured, since I called my own fathers “Father or Step-Father or “Dad” – never “Daddy” (we didn’t ever have that kind of soft child-parent relationship), that I could call this man “Daddy” during sex and not feel like I was engaging in an incestuous relationship. Jokes about rationalization aside (I just heard Jeff Goldblum’s voice in my head “Rationalizations – we all need them. You can’t get through the day without at least one good juicy one”), I am glad I did. Although my initial hesitation and research period may have hurt his feelings – which I would never want to do – I always want to be respectful of another person’s kink…it is so deeply personal. It was a wise decision to play with it and has felt actually healing in some ways.

Engaging in this type of D/s play is so kind and loving – when you have a kind and loving “Daddy”. It took me to places I didn’t know I needed. I know some people carry it to an extreme that I for sure would not be comfortable with – but to allow him to be completely in charge, to just do as he asked, relinquish any control or concerns and just be in the moment…feeling sensation… while cherished and cared for, felt so good. Soft, kind, loving, supportive…it felt almost as if I had been given some protection and care I needed on a deep level that I didn’t even know I needed. I actually cried after orgasm with this man on two occasions – and I am not a crier – and have never ever cried during or after sex with anyone else! I told him I did not understand what it was about and that I was not sad or anything. He just wrapped me up in his big arms and said “It’s okay baby girl. You just had some stuff pent up that needed to be released. You’re okay.” This type of domination feels more “protective” and “loving” than other shades of domination and the submission is slightly different also. The words “Baby girl”, “Sweetheart” and “Punkin’ ” create a different feeling for me now – whereas before, they would have made me bristle…I don’t have to be “strong”. I can feel like I am allowing someone “to take care of me”.

As with any good Dom, he can be completely in tune with your body and knows what you need even when you don’t…it’s an art…” I am the instrument and he is the musician” is the best way to sum it up.

(Silently wishing a “Happy Birthday” to my Daddy Dom…)

What kind of Dom is this…

Tags

BDSM, DD/lg, self awareness

Okay here we go. This most likely won’t make sense to anyone but me.  I woke up this morning from a deep sleep in a boom – all of a sudden – sit straight up – flash of knowledge. In my sleep I was floating, he was holding me gently through the currents of emotion. Rock steady safety during whitewater emotion. I see that as his purpose. Calm assertive. Not pain centered but emotion centered. Wednesday full-on sex fest – so many orgasms…emotional dam breaks – crying (not my style). Thursday courage to write, think and analyze things I have never said out loud before (post called – Why I don’t know how to date). I had the free space to do it because of the emotional release. Writing it was cathartic and healing to some degree and also provided the mental framework for me to understand some of my own actions. But the epiphany I had, was the purpose (at least for me) of him is to have that rock steady, solid, hold me safely guidance through emotional white water. I don’t always have to tough out and gut out everything on my own. In my dream, he was there – just calm and assertive, holding my head above water – keeping me safe in the rush.