One of the biggest mistakes I see women make in the dating world is to put too much pressure on every encounter. For example, my friend N. goes on a date and in the back of her mind the whole time she’s thinking is this “the one”? Too much pressure!
The point is to get out there, have fun, keep your intentions about what you want clear in your mind and don’t put forever into the mindset. Be “breezy”. Dating is like networking…the person you are going to dinner with may end up being a conduit to other connections…they have a whole other world they can connect you to where you might meet someone awesome. In my book you can never have too many friends or acquaintances. Every person knows other people who know other people…the point is to get out there and get to know other people with no expectation of this is the “forever” person – this person that you don’t even know!
It’s okay to go on a date and then decide it wasn’t the match you were looking for. Also it’s alright to date different people for different reasons. You can date some for the “dating experience”, dinner, movies, dancing…whatever. Having fun and getting to know someone slowly and meeting others through them. Companionship dating I like to call that. Sex is not usually recommended during companionship dating – it muddies the waters and makes things heavier and more complicated than they need to be. I don’t recommend dating to find “the one” that you want to spend your life with. It may happen, you might meet “the one” – maybe on a date, maybe not – but probably when you least expect it so don’t put that pressure on any new, fun, flirty relationship.
When you’re dating, keep it light and keep these items in mind:
#1 Don’t tell the person your whole life story…it should gradually unfold over the course of years or decades. (I am really bad about this…so trust me – don’t do it!)
#2 Don’t talk about past relationships. Don’t tell how many people you have slept with. Instead of talking about specific past relationships maybe share what you learned about yourself from a failed relationship or ask the other person what they learned from theirs.
#3 Don’t immediately spew out all your hopes, dreams, fears and opinions. Leave some mystery. Half the fun of dating is the gradual unwrapping of the package that is you.
#4 Don’t jump to conclusions. Ask if you want to know something. Answer honestly when someone asks you something. Don’t get pissed off because someone hasn’t called or texted when you think they should have and immediately assume they are out with someone else. If you want them to call you or text you, let them know that’s what you’d like.
Then there is dating for sex, which is different and should be kept separate. I think this is perfectly acceptable provided you keep yourself safe. Be straightforward about it – don’t be afraid to say “I have no interest in a relationship right now, I am looking for a sexual tryst only”. I do recommend if you would like to do this you make the rules clear and follow the rules yourself. A good, reliable “fuckbuddy” is a great thing. Particularly if you are experimenting with some wilder aspects of your sexuality previously uncharted.
The rules for me with a fuckbuddy are:
#1 You have to be very clear your only intention is fantastic through the roof orgasmic sex.
#2 No texting or calling to say “how was your day?” or any of that bullshit – texts or calls should be for the purpose of scheduling fuck time or talking dirty to each other about the scheduled “date”.
#3 There is no obligation to text, call or see any number of times or at specific times. There is no obligation for anything other than meeting at agreed upon times for good sex.
#4 No sleepovers. When sex is over there is no obligation for cuddling, small talk and sleeping over. Don’t do household chores together or watch TV (unless it’s porn). This is not a “relationship” this is sex.
#5 No expectations – there cannot be any expectation of how long the “buddyship” will last, pre-agreed no hard feelings if someone can’t meet or needs to break it off because they got involved with someone else and wants to see where it goes.
#6 No meeting of the person’s friends, family or co-workers.
#7 Honesty without judgment. Agree to explore things of interest without judgment and with respect for one another (i.e. if you say stop he has to stop and vice versa).
#8 Keep personal stuff to a minimum. Occasionally you will end up sharing some tidbit of what’s going on in your life or work and occasionally they will offer some insight only someone completely removed from the situation can offer. That kind of honesty can be invaluable.
#9 No Whining, no complaining, no clinging, no hard feelings, no attachment. This number is especially hard for most women. So let me repeat…No whining…no complaining…absolutely no clingy behavior…no hard feelings (it’s not a friendship or a real relationship)…and no attachment. Keep it simple, straightforward and fun. Ask for honesty and give it. Keep it sexy. It boosts your confidence, adds to your skills and knowledge, and is fun when executed following the rules.
#10 When it’s over – be done. It’s not a “relationship” the way we know them. It’s recreational sex with the same person. When it’s over let it go, don’t text, don’t call, don’t “FaceBook stalk”. Find a new one. You may have to go through a few before you find your “fuckbuddy soulmate”. Understand this is never meant to be a permanent thing. It will end and that’s okay. Maybe it ends because you found “the one” and are now going to fuck them instead 🙂 Meanwhile you are having fun and expanding your knowledge and experience base and hopefully reducing stress!