To F*ck…or not to F*ck…that is the question

Tags

casual sex, Dating, Great sex, sex, sexual confidence

Deciding whether or not to have sex with someone on a date can be a tricky thing.

Based on my past experiences, I want to say to tell yourself to wait until the 3^rd date or later…but really it’s up to you, your mood, the chemistry, etc. and you shouldn’t feel pressure one way or another. Have something ready to say if your feel the pressure but don’t feel the desire. I learned the sentence beginning with “My personal policy is….” (Fill in the blank) to wait until I know someone better, or whatever your new policy is at that moment in time, works great. Just prepare yourself ahead of time because it’s not always easy to think of how to handle it when it’s right there – staring you in the face. Especially if you are out of dating practice.

I was always concerned about hurting the other person’s feelings…until I made some mistakes and toughened up. But then again, you do learn pretty quickly from having sex with someone if they are worth another date. I guess it would depend on the purpose of your dating. I had sex with one guy because he hadn’t dated since his wife died. He was a nice guy. It was “charity” sex. I decided to boost his ego and give him back some of his self-confidence. I knew already I didn’t want to see him again but thought what the heck. He wasn’t a good lay either. I let him down easy and made excuses about not being clear on what I really wanted in a relationship at that moment in time – which wasn’t entirely an untruth. I really wasn’t clear yet on my actual dating objectives.

Another guy I slept with right away I thought had potential (Note – never a good idea…I married someone because I thought they had “potential” – bad, bad idea!). He was shocked when I broke it off the next day and actually got quite angry and aggressive…he thought our 4 hour roll in the hay meant some sort of “ownership rights” of my person I guess. I was trying to be nice but when he wouldn’t let it go and was shocked I didn’t think he was a God because we had sex for so many hours, I finally told him a stiff cock and a willingness to use it didn’t necessarily equate to good sex. I’m not 100% sure what he had to say in response, because it was in a foreign language…but I’m pretty sure I was able to properly translate the words “crazy whore”.

Pity sex…different from charity sex…never again. I won’t bore you with all the gory details, but trust me – don’t do it. A man who you feel pity for needs to spend time with his own hand before venturing back out into the real world with real people.

If you are dating to find a “real” relationship, go slow. Make sure you match up on enough levels to make it worth the try. If you are dating just to have fun and pass the time, then it’s a case by case decision. Whatever you do – keep yourself in check. Dinner, dancing, sex does not mean you should start making up a future life in your head and picking a china pattern! Slow your roll and appreciate it for whatever it is…right now…at this moment.

If you are “dating” for a “fuckbuddy” relationship, you need to be clear about that from the first moment. I also recommend talking about sex a lot before meeting for the purpose of sex. Even then you may have to “sift some sand” before you find the right one for that role. One guy I interacted with over the course of a long time talked a good game, but when it came down to it was the most boring fuck ever. Then he had the nerve to say “that was pretty good for vanilla sex”. I moved on quickly from him.

One night stands are okay if that is what you want. No strings, no obligation, no awkward interactions later…down and dirty sex with a stranger, who shall remain one – by your choice.  I do believe most women aren’t built for that…we tend to want to “know” someone or “feel some kind of connection”. If you do decide to have a one night stand, either purposefully or accidentally, don’t kick your own ass over it. It’s done – move on. And for goodness sake don’t let them guilt you into thinking there is obligation for another evening. Be very honest…say “Thank you for the one night stand” or “Thank you for fucking my brains out – I needed that – have a nice life”.

 A fuckbuddy is someone with whom you are sexually compatible, can have sex with whenever you are in the mood and both available, no strings, no awkward “morning afters”, no explanations…just good sex when you need it with someone you have already had sex with and you know enough of their good moves to keep you coming back. It’s a beautiful thing. But again, most women aren’t built for that…so if you’re not, don’t do it. It was so completely perfect for me during one stage in my life. I worked 12-15 hours a day, didn’t have the time or emotional energy for a “relationship” and all that word implies…and it was just wonderful, blissfully fulfilling sex as many times a week as I needed it. I would still have him today (or someone just like him) had I not accidentally gotten into a real relationship with someone else. I had to break it off and see where this accidental relationship was going because he wasn’t really on board with me having a fuck buddy on the side.

If you are going to date multiple people for multiple purposes, it requires you compartmentalize your feelings. This works for some of us. For others it does not. If it doesn’t work for you…then don’t do it. I also recommend if you are dating multiple people, be honest about it. I scared off a few men with my honesty, but that’s okay – they probably weren’t right for me anyway. The one that didn’t get scared off but laughed and asked questions instead, is the one I’m still with 4 years later. He also meets my needs on all levels so I no longer need an assortment of people for different things (companionship, fun, mental challenge, hot sex, etc.). He showed up when I became very clear on what I wanted in a partner “some day” and stopped searching for it.

One thing I’m very sure of is don’t have sex with someone out of some misguided feeling of obligation to because they went on a date with you, or bought dinner, or whatever…if you decide to have sex it’s for you. Own it. Tell yourself – yes I am entitled to have sex if I want it. No guilt. No remorse. Buy your own damn dinner. Maybe even buy his.

 

 

I have opinions about married sex too (surprise). I will probably address that in a future blog post.

 

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Fifty Shades of Communication

Tags

BDSM, Great sex, sexual confidence

Talking about sex openly and honestly is important.

If you are dating the same person repeatedly and it’s turning into a sexual relationship these conversations are very important for helping to determine if you are sexually compatible or there is only enough chemistry for a few sexual encounters.  You may find the other person needs several open, honest conversations before they really feel comfortable enough to open up. You may even feel like you are stumbling over words a little at first too if you aren’t accustomed to these conversations. In order to have truly wonderful sex there should be a level of compatibility.

Everyone (or at least everyone in my world) has some sort of little kink. Kink is good. Kink is fun. But if they don’t match, they can be disastrous! One of my girlfriends, who has been married for about 20 years, is about to leave her husband over mismatched sexual natures (among other things). For her a good sexy night is wine and candles with soft music and sexy lingerie, with her partner telling her how beautiful and sexy she is while he gently makes soft love to her. His idea of a good sexy night is to bind her arms and legs, spank her, and fuck her hard from behind. They don’t match and there isn’t a middle ground that makes them happy. They can’t even talk about it without insulting each other’s wants, needs and preferences. Actually, if there weren’t so many other issues in their relationship that has made it gone south, I could have probably explained to him how to give her what she wants in a way that she would want to give him what he wants – but it’s a lost cause at this point. Once love and attraction has been replaced with hate, it’s too late.

The popular book “Fifty Shades of Grey” has actually helped bring some kink to the mainstream. I guess if it’s in a book you can get at the local Walmart type store then people feel it’s okay to open up a little, entertain some ideas about expanding their notions of what might be a turn on, and talk about sex a little more. I know the book opened the door for some people I know to start talking about sex with me who wouldn’t have otherwise. It also brought some aspects of BDSM (lite) out of the dark corners and into the light and minds of people who might have spent their entire lives thinking only vanilla thoughts.

I think it’s important to maintain an attitude of non-judgment when it comes to sex and conversations about it. That includes being mindful to not judge yourself over what turns you on or doesn’t. I think it’s also important to keep an open mind. Maybe you didn’t know you liked sushi until you tried it… with an open mind… and then found which combinations of things you liked in your sushi. Maybe you don’t think you like some sexual act, but when presented in the proper way you may find you very much enjoy that particular act. There is no right or wrong between mutually respectful consenting adults. ”Mutually respectful” is of course key! You can’t foist your kink on someone but they may come to appreciate it especially if they derive pleasure from seeing, hearing and experiencing your pleasure. If something really genuinely goes against your sensibilities no matter how open minded you’ve tried to be about it, then is there a way for your partner to have what they want with your support but without your direct participation? Figure out a solution if it’s the only problem.

For instance…from the previous relationship example, one person wants bondage and their partner doesn’t like it at all and feels raped when bound. With good communication there are so many ways to try and resolve the issue! Firstly determining the level and amount he (in this example) thinks he wants/needs, how much if any is tolerable to the other party…is any type of binding acceptable for some period of time? Maybe incorporated on an occasional basis with her more fairy tale type fantasy? Maybe she is some sort of beautiful princess kidnapped and “taken” by a pirate who binds her with something soft and silky while telling her she is so sexy he can’t stand it and has to have her, and after teasing her to a point of arousal releases her because she has “succumbed” and now wants him too? Or can he please her to a point where she release her inhibitions and feels comfortable exploring variations of bondage with him? Or meet her needs well enough to make her want to try and meet his playfully like dressing in a sexy bondage type outfit for him and poses in bound ways as part of inviting him to feel aroused and have sex? Communication (combined with regularly providing outstanding orgasms) can help people find a solution (and a desire to find one) that works for both parties.

I like my steak medium rare. My partner does not. We both like steak, we just like it different ways. Sometimes I can appreciate the steak even if it’s cooked his way although it’s not my preference. He cannot appreciate steak my way – it grosses him out, but he knows how I like it and cooks it for me that way anyway – even if he doesn’t want to eat it, he wants to give it me the way I prefer it – which I appreciate. I won’t force him to eat a steak my way because he truly does not like it. We are mutually respectful. Kink is the same way to a degree. Your kinks don’t have to be the same, you have to figure out how to meet each person’s wants/needs/preferences without making someone eat a bloody steak that grosses them out. By the same token, if your kinks (or lack thereof) are completely incompatible, it’s like a steak eater cooking and dining with a vegetarian…can your worlds coexist enough for your to thrive or not? Better to figure that out fairly early in a dating relationship…before marriage, kids, and joint assets.

Maybe you’re both very vanilla – that’s okay too. You don’t have to have kink to have great sex, but communication is still key! If you just can’t wrap your head around some kink that is important to your partner and you care about them enough to continue the relationship, consider supporting it in a different way. Not judging, not criticizing… perhaps encourage them to have their kink in fantasy during masturbation and find ways to be helpful, supportive, and respectful.

I do believe there is some lack of understanding of some kinks, particularly if you’ve always had vanilla sex. One common misunderstanding I come across when talking about this with other women is BDSM. In real life (vs in fiction) it seems that women with a high degree of power in their careers or life have a tendency toward this kink. I see most often they are on the receiving end or in the perceived “weak” position. I think there is a desire to release control – or perceived control, yet surprisingly enough the perceived “weak” position is actually the position of control because they are allowing and controlling the extent/length/intensity to a degree. It would be interesting to me for readers to share their thoughts on this or any other kink observation they may have.

I notice I have made many references to food in this blog post.  I must be hungry – LOL! My apologies if you now want sushi or steak!

Any way – expand your mind, be playful, find new ways to interact sensually and sexually with your chosen sex partner, go to the sex shop, spice things up today…and tomorrow and the next…

I think it’s important to keep sex alive and encourage playfulness. If I want to drive my partner crazy (in a good way), I have been known to do all sorts of things…some ideas include:

• Sending texts in a playful way telling them about some sex act you’re thinking about and indicating you can’t wait to see them.
• Telling him you are going to play with yourself because you want him (this usually leads to requests for pictures or him coming to your place immediately).
• Showing up somewhere he doesn’t expect…naked, followed by the words “Fuck me” (Note – this does not have to be somewhere outside the house…unless you want it to be).
• Cook a meal in nothing but an apron.
• Tell your partner what you’re going to do to them later or at a specific time. The anticipation is a huge turn on.
• Surprise your partner with a new toy and/or preparing a room for sex unexpectedly in a special way

Use your imagination and find some ways to fan the flame of desire and go have some great sex tonight! Feel free to share your ideas – I love coming up with new stuff!

 

 

 

Prime Time

Tags

Dating, relationships, sex, sex drive

I had always heard…not sure from exactly where…that women reached their sexual prime in their mid-thirties. I don’t think that it’s true.

I don’t know about you, but in my mid-thirties I was so flipping busy with the kids, the house, and the daily grind of married life I had very little desire or time for sex. When I did make the time, 9 times out of 10 I ended up feeling disappointed.

Quite frankly, I blamed my disinterest and dis-satisfaction on my husband. Now I see he was only partly to blame – LOL! In reality, (now that I’m older and wiser) I see there are many factors involved with a woman’s sex drive. Our hormones change – (sometimes it seems they change daily) our stress levels and time commitments change…as I discuss this with my married and unmarried friends we have come to realize we all somehow feel either our drive is too low or it’s too high. The truth is, whatever it is – is usually “normal”. We should be a lot nicer to ourselves.

In our 30’s we are so busy. Making careers, raising children, doing things for school and PTA, running a house…sex gets put on the bottom of the “To Do” list. Many times if we are in a long term relationship there is a level of irritation and resentment built up because we very often as women feel we have to do so much more than our counterparts to make life run smoothly, that if we aren’t exhausted – we’re busy being pissed off. At least on the positive side we usually know more about what makes us tick sexually than we did in our 20s.

In our 40’s life changes. Kids are older or grown, careers are more settled, there is more time for sex and intimacy than there was in the previous decade. This time can be a time to grow and expand our “sexual persona” and start to become muli-orgasmic sex goddesses.

If you reflect on it, there are times in life when your drive is high and times when it is low. Regardless of the cause, be it hormonal or environmental, remember satisfying sex is your right. If you are physically healthy and there isn’t a medical issue causing changes for you to have checked, tolerate your own ups and downs. You don’t have to explain or justify yourself to anyone. If your drive is lower than you would like sometimes you can turn it around by deciding to make sex a higher priority and doing things to get your mind pointed in that direction. If your drive is higher than you would like, I say make the most of it and try to enjoy it while it lasts.

During our 10-15 year “Perimenopausal” period, I know my friends and I have experienced times when the hormones were so out of whack we questioned ourselves and thought perhaps somehow we had become nymphomaniacs with our seemingly insatiable drive. If you happen to be experiencing this, relax…this too shall pass. By the same token, when the hormones shift the other way all of a sudden we may feel absolutely drive-less. That’s when you invest in some great lube and initiate some play with your partner…30 minutes later you might just be thinking to yourself “this was a very good idea”.

It seems an orgasm changes your whole chemistry and outlook for the day. At the very least the skin-on-skin contact meets our need as humans to be physically touched and helps us thrive just a little better. Maybe see how many orgasms you are actually capable of having…I would tell you my number…but then I’d have to kill you – LOL. Anyway, sometimes that’s all we need to do to raise it on the priority list and revive our interest. I have come to think of orgasms as “self care”…one a day (or more) will keep the doctor away.

I feel like our sexual “prime” might just be any age but most definitely after our mid 30’s. As we get older we are more comfortable in our own skin and more assertive in meeting our own needs and expecting our needs met. Sex gets better and better. I can’t tell you at what point in age it won’t. I haven’t got there yet. I will keep you posted 😉

 

 

Labels belong in a label maker

Tags

sexual confidence

Embrace your sensual-ness, sexiness, and love of sex. This comes across as an attitude of sexual confidence.

Many of us raised to think sex was “dirty” in some way have a hard time with this. Sex can be dirty and messy and wonderful…as adults we are allowed to enjoy sex. Give yourself permission. Enjoying sex, wanting sex, having sex doesn’t make you a “whore” or any other label people like to use. It makes you “alive”, “in touch with yourself” and a person who knows what they like, who they are and is living life and being human.

Other woman may sense your sexual confidence and try to undermine it or judge it – that’s their own insecurities…just say to yourself ”screw them” and continue embracing your sensuality. My grown children got a little freaked out when they saw this change in me…they got over it. It just took a while for them to realize their mom was no longer hiding behind baggy sweats feeling unloved and unlovable with a bad body and no sex. Their mom is happy and confident and has curves that she isn’t afraid to show and is in her own way sexy. My hope actually is that by my example they will not be afraid to embrace their own sensuality as well.

Getting in touch with yourself…literally

Tags

Dating, masturbation, sex

One key to good sex is masturbation.  You need to know what makes you feel good. Also if you keep things “alive” down there, you are more responsive when you’re with someone else.

I highly recommend a vibrator. It’s an easy way to go from 0-100 fast, it doesn’t get tired, doesn’t require anything of you and never complains. If you’re shy and don’t want to go to a sex shop, order one on-line (Adam and Eve or Toys in Babeland are great on-line sources) – and don’t worry it comes in a plain brown box with nothing to give the postman any ideas what’s in the box…it could be shoes for all they know!

Many times you can get a free dvd with your purchase, thus starting your own little porn collection to help you get ideas about things you might like to try or help you create exciting fantasies for private time. At the very least there is something sexy about people having sex and enjoying it… Another benefit of getting yourself a toy and maybe a dvd or two is it shows a certain level of confidence in your sexuality – both to yourself and a future partner. You take your sexual satisfaction seriously (As you should). It’s not a bad idea to try a few different vibrators and figure out what works best for you because everyone is different. The Rabbit almost everyone loves to some degree or another but my all-time favorite is the standard plug in the wall powerful, soft headed wand.

The First Key to Good Sex

Tags

Dating, relationships, sexual confidence

Good sex….we all need good sex. The benefits of sex are numerous. It makes us feel good, relieves stress, makes us live longer and it fills the need we have as human beings to be touched. Sex is something I am very passionate about (pun intended!). We kind of form our ideas about sex usually in our teen years and then maybe through our first serious sexual relationship. Some forget to keep growing from there…and I think some women still are caught up in the idea that sex is dirty or bad and not something we should enjoy….enjoy, instigate, wallow in and love.

The first key I think to good sex is being comfortable with your body. We as women are taught from childhood to compare our bodies to other women’s bodies. We absorb through societal input that there is a perfect breast size, waist size, shape, etc. and either we drive ourselves crazy trying to attain it or hate all the bit and pieces of us that we perceive to be not good enough. The truth of the matter is even a super model sees flaws. How about if we just acknowledge our bodies – they are a part of us – and love them in their imperfection?

I went to a women’s only Asian spa just north of Seattle once. Having never been there, I had no idea what to expect but heard the body scrubs were really good for you and I was wanting to treat myself with some love and kindness. When I arrived they gave me a robe and showed me around. It became very clear to me the only place anyone use to robe was to either wait in a waiting room for a massage or to sit in the little tea room/restaurant they had.  I was told I should sit in the seven pools of varying temperatures and wait to be called for my scrub. Not wanting to stick out by wearing my robe in an area where others were not, I gathered my courage…all of it…and hung my robe and walked what felt like a million steps to get in the water to relax. Of course I chose the little pool with no one in it being self-conscious of my body and feeling very out of place. What I learned that day I will never forget. Here in this place were women of all ages from what looked like maybe 15 or 16 to a woman who looked about 90, all walking around and getting in and out of pools like they had been naked all their lives. Confident and self-assured. The earth did not open up and swallow any of them! I also noticed no matter what the age, ethnicity, size, weight, and height…each body was beautiful in some way. The more confident each felt in their body, the more beautiful their body appeared to be – even with traditional “flaws”. Each body was unique, no two alike…I could see the beauty in each one. I thought to myself, if I were a man I would being heaven right now seeing so many women, all different, yet comfortable with themselves and their nakedness. I vowed right then and there to go ahead and love my body – or try to at least like it until I learned to love it.

How can I ever expect a partner to love my body if I don’t? I had three children…my belly is not flat…but it’s mine and it did a fine job housing those babies! So I suggest you spend time with yourself naked. I began being naked all the time when I was home. I was living alone…it became a very enjoyable habit that I still have although I’m no longer alone. The more comfortable I became with myself naked and alone, the more comfortable I was being naked in front of partners. Win/win.

Just don’t ever cook bacon naked…that is a bad idea. Just a couple more thoughts on this subject…a confident naked woman is sexy. I don’t think anyone who was attracted enough to ever end up in your presence for the purpose of sex would think your nakedness is anything but sexy – particularly if you “own” it. The thing you may perceive as “ugly” may be just the thing someone else thinks is uniquely sexy.