The first step is to get yourself in a mentally and emotionally healthy state. We attract different people subconsciously based on where we are. You need to reach a place where you are happy and comfortable with who you are, where you are and your life in general. You need to be able to be happy and content alone. Like yourself enough that you like your time alone.
A relationship should add to your life, not become your whole life. One of my personal challenges, that I also commonly see in others, is that I spent most of my adult life “doing” for my husband (while managing children and running a business). My life was devoted to making his life run smoothly and his happiness. When I decided I could no longer live that way because each year there was less and less of the bits of “me” left that make me “me”, I realized I didn’t even know what made me happy anymore. I hadn’t focused enough on my own wants or needs to even know!
My first night on my own I spent 3 hours at the grocery store trying to figure out what I wanted to eat for dinner. It sounds nuts now, but at the time it was very real. I had spent so many years only preparing what my husband or kids wanted, I no longer knew really what I wanted to eat. I finally decided on Sushi and a bottle of red wine. Mainly because it was something my husband would never choose and I had never had it and wanted to find things I like. (Note – sushi from the local grocer at 9pm is probably not representative of what sushi is or should be.)
Embrace who you are. You are unique (like a snowflake – LOL). Take pride and joy in who you are and what you like. Let your space reflect you and your world.
Get very clear on who you are, where you are in your life and what you want it to be like. I find writing things down helps. Make a list of your good qualities – what you like about yourself and what you would like for others to see about you. Take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, get a mani/pedi – for you…not to look good for someone else. Make a list of the things in your life you are thankful for and try to add to it regularly. Decide what you would like your life to look like – career wise, social life, home, etc. Describe how it will feel. Don’t worry about the details just yet of how it will become what you want it to be and don’t limit yourself with thoughts of “that’s too much” or “I could never have that”. Play pretend for a minute like when you were a kid…what do you want. Think it, feel it, write it down.
Next write down the attributes you want in a person you want to be in a relationship with. Compare that list to your last relationship. Put stars next to the items that are non-negotiable for you. Make a list of attributes you will not tolerate as well so you are very clear on that too. Once you become very clear on what it is you want…it has a way of showing up. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow…but it will.
As an example of what I mean, let me share with you one of my experiences with being very clear on something and having it show up. I went to lunch with someone in a place I had never been south of Seattle on the water. As I sat down on the deck of that restaurant, I was taken aback by the beauty of the water and mountains in that spot. At that moment I wanted more than anything to be a part of that place. I said out loud (although my lunch partner must have thought I was nearing a complete and total breakdown), “I want to live here. This feels good. It feels like home. A community and a site that would make me enormously happy. I don’t know how much houses cost around here, and it’s completely impractical and unattainable since my business and children are way up North and my finances are completely screwed up, but I want to live here. I want to wake up every morning to this view. I want this…” as I spread my arms to show the area of water, beach, and mountain views. I breathed deep and for a glimmer of a moment felt what living there would feel like to me. I forgot about that “wish” until 2 years later I was unpacking boxes in the home I had just moved in to and looked out the window. That was the water, the beach, the view I said I wanted. I had accidentally moved into the community I said I wanted to live in and forgot my declaration. The restaurant was walking distance away. I was amazed. Dumbfounded. Then I remembered the Universe conspires to give us exactly what we ask for. Sometimes we forget and focus on the place we are and get more of that, or focus on how things “never go our way” and then we create that…but when we are very clear about what we want it magically appears…so be really careful what you are clear on!
If you tell yourself and/or others that you only date losers…guess what – you will! If you state to yourself and/or others I only date people worthy of my time and attention who treat me with respect and kindness…guess what again – you will!