Flypaper for Freaks

Tags

Dating, relationships, self awareness, sex

Recap of the month…

In no particular order…

I met a man who seemed somewhat promising. We were able to have great conversation. Turns out he is a cross-dresser. I really tried to be open minded about this…I was working on it. I did some reading, asked some questions…I do not think I can really be sexually attracted to a man that likes to dress in women’s clothing. Does that make me a bad human? As it worked out, he has some trouble getting and maintaining an erection and he thinks I’m too fat (ouch!). Not a match after all – that was several weeks wasted.

Reconnected with my fuckbuddy for a playdate…Thank you Universe for that. I really do like him. It’s sad he doesn’t see more for “us”. There is no “us”. He has “a lot going on”. I’ve never even been to his house…he always gets a hotel (No, he is not married). Hotel sex is fun in its own way…

There was a man that reached out who is much older than I would normally consider…wanted me to marry him and move to his ranch…umm “No thank you”, we don’t even know each other… Maybe we should have a date first? He wanted to” chase me around the barn” and even decided which room in his ranch would be my office (I think that’s the 3^rd  or 4^th marriage semi-proposal in the last 30 days?).

I also connected for an evening with a guy who asked more questions about the 4 ½ weeks guy than about me (weird right?). This guy had talked to that guy about real estate – they live in the same neighborhood and that’s how this guy and I had initially exchanged numbers – over a potential real estate deal. He invited me over for a steak BBQ. He was very handsome and fit and had a truly gorgeous, well-proportioned, big, thick, cock (not a premediated “sex” date…just worked out that way…I am a “go with the flow” person). It turns out he spent 20 years in prison for running a drug smuggling operation in the 90’s – it was all very sordid and involved a cartel and woman he was dating who tried to get his sentence reduced by being a wired informant. He didn’t tell me – but I googled and discovered. I knew this before the steak dinner… I had wondered if he would tell me. I wonder now if he is planning some sort of scam on 4 1/2 weeks guy to get his house and plane? I might be flypaper for freaks.

Also had dinner with a man that was the tiniest man I have ever met. Seriously. His pictures looked “normal” but his entire frame and stature was really tiny. Nice guy…well, he did ghost me after the dinner, so maybe not that nice…although I now have a new favorite place to get amazing tacos. He asked me if I knew my dating profile was “intimidating”. Yeah, that’s me…LOL. One guy reached out the other day about my profile and said,” I might have just fallen in love. I think you’re something else. When can we have our first date? You are right up my alley. Sign me up!” Since his profile basically said nothing, I responded with something to the effect of “Tell me more about yourself”. That scared him away. I am completely fierce!

I’ve said it before… no more dating sites for me. No more dates. Maybe just one more time with the fuckbuddy, so I can end on a somewhat (at least sexually) positive note…then spend the rest of forever alone…sexless…working out so I don’t ever be perceived as “too fat”. Society has set all of us women up for failure with a fucked up culture of body image. Maybe no – to the one more time with FB, it always makes me want more of him and wonder why he doesn’t want more…he isn’t seeing anyone else…what secret ingredient am I missing that he wants/needs?

I have been riding a stationary recumbent bike doing 6-12 miles a day (binge watched all of the seasons of Californication doing that). Yesterday, I rented a Lime (that is an electric assist bicycle you can rent and ride around various parts of Seattle). I did lots of miles yesterday (15) and now have the worst pain in my nether regions from the seat! I wonder if that passes with time (like when you ride horses often) or if I need padded pants to continue riding a regularly positioned bike. And what is that?? Bruising? Why do I not remember that from riding bikes in my childhood?

I had a headache for 48 hours and then a toothache…got tested for COVID again (negative), the testing is now much more civilized by the way. But as a positive, when I called my dentist’s office in tears to ask for an emergency visit, I did schedule a cleaning and check-up. I get to leave the house at an un-godly early hour on Wednesday to be there.

I had a horrible nightmare last night. It involved someone’s male, computerized voice coming through my Alexa, the lights not working and an abduction of a woman from my garage (where the door was open and the lights were on) and he said he would be back for me…I don’t often have dreams that wake me up in fear. Not sure what to make of it. I actually don’t usually feel fear…I lived through some truly terrifying real things in my real life so it takes a lot to give me fear now. Then the TV turned itself on early this morning very loud, downstairs in the family room (no it was not paused and no one was awake and up) – I have no idea what that was about either…maybe the ghost of my fiancé turned it on to scare away the bad guy whose voice I dreamed came through my Alexa hours earlier? It’s going to take all day to shake the weirdness of all that.

Happy Monday…the beginning of the rest of my alone and sexless life.

Daddy Issues ~

Tags

BDSM, Daddy, DD/lg, sex

When it was first suggested to me someone’s kink was to be “Daddy” to a “Little Girl”, honestly – my first response in my mind was “Eewwwe”, “No Thank you – I am a full-grown woman”. I had to ask a million questions…because well… that’s who I am. I had learned of this preference/kink after some amazing sex with this person…seriously he could make me orgasm by just massaging my butt or ever so gently running his fingers around on my back and sides in circles – it’s like all the nerve endings in my entire body are alive and wired for his touch – it’s crazy!

Daddy issues…Some of us legitimately have them. I know I do…abandonment, abuse – it’s not pretty. I had to ask him, “Does this mean you fantasize about having sex with a child? Or someone not age-appropriate? Does it mean you want to have sex with your niece? – The answer was “No” “It’s just the situation in my mind when I am having sex/play time”.

Upon asking a truly annoying number of questions, and then following up with my own research, I found this style of “Dom” is just that…another form of dominance and play. The sex was so good with him, I decided to play along. I figured, since I called my own fathers “Father or Step-Father or “Dad” – never “Daddy” (we didn’t ever have that kind of soft child-parent relationship), that I could call this man “Daddy” during sex and not feel like I was engaging in an incestuous relationship. Jokes about rationalization aside (I just heard Jeff Goldblum’s voice in my head “Rationalizations – we all need them. You can’t get through the day without at least one good juicy one”), I am glad I did. Although my initial hesitation and research period may have hurt his feelings – which I would never want to do – I always want to be respectful of another person’s kink…it is so deeply personal. It was a wise decision to play with it and has felt actually healing in some ways.

Engaging in this type of D/s play is so kind and loving – when you have a kind and loving “Daddy”. It took me to places I didn’t know I needed. I know some people carry it to an extreme that I for sure would not be comfortable with – but to allow him to be completely in charge, to just do as he asked, relinquish any control or concerns and just be in the moment…feeling sensation… while cherished and cared for, felt so good. Soft, kind, loving, supportive…it felt almost as if I had been given some protection and care I needed on a deep level that I didn’t even know I needed. I actually cried after orgasm with this man on two occasions – and I am not a crier – and have never ever cried during or after sex with anyone else! I told him I did not understand what it was about and that I was not sad or anything. He just wrapped me up in his big arms and said “It’s okay baby girl. You just had some stuff pent up that needed to be released. You’re okay.” This type of domination feels more “protective” and “loving” than other shades of domination and the submission is slightly different also. The words “Baby girl”, “Sweetheart” and “Punkin’ ” create a different feeling for me now – whereas before, they would have made me bristle…I don’t have to be “strong”. I can feel like I am allowing someone “to take care of me”.

As with any good Dom, he can be completely in tune with your body and knows what you need even when you don’t…it’s an art…” I am the instrument and he is the musician” is the best way to sum it up.

(Silently wishing a “Happy Birthday” to my Daddy Dom…)

Love~Sex~Marriage

Tags

BDSM, creating your life, Dating, ENM, positive direction, relationships, self awareness

Random thoughts rolling around in my head today…

A million years ago (or when I was in my 20’s – your choice), I thought when you find the person to spend your life with everything would somehow magically work out. Obviously, that was an child-like assumption. As I got older, I saw there are so many facets to each person, it is really very challenging to have one person to meet all your needs…mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually. Maybe that’s why some cultures are accepting of a married person having a lover on the side?

During and after my divorce, I actually filled the various needs each with different people. This was working fairly well for me, although I lacked a sense of “home” – one person who was your emotional, mental, physical, sexual “safety net”. Ultimately, I had to rely on myself… we all do to some degree I suppose. Then I stumbled across someone who was able to meet most of my needs most of the time. That was surprising and wonderful… and I didn’t need other people to fill the roles. After he died, I realize he left me with renewed hope of that “wholeness” being more attainable. Who knows if it would have been sustainable for an entire lifetime? I do know he would have tried his best and I would have also.

Is the concept of marriage outdated if you aren’t creating children? I’d like to think not. A good marriage is a good partnership where the people publicly and privately support one another in all aspects of life. We are built that way. Wired for interdependence. So now I’m back to how is one person supposed to meet all the facets of who you are and what you need? Either you are lucky and someone intuitively knows, senses, and sees what you need and is not only willing – but eager – to give it to you, or you spend time feeling frustrated, not understood and trying to teach someone what you need.

I could have a person for intellectual conversation, another for sharing emotional stuff, another for companionship and camaraderie, another for hot kinky sex that lasts for hours…and rely on myself for financial stability. But honestly after having the whole package (or 90% of it), it’s really hard to look down the barrel of a remaining life without it. Having different people for different things just feels more hollow now. So… that leaves trying to teach someone to be what you need. Just the thought of that sentence is exhausting. They also have to be wanting to learn and you have to learn what they need too. And of course, the thing you can’t even teach is to have someone who is “thirsty” to be with you…they can’t get enough of you just being you…which makes you not be able to get enough of them…maybe that is not repeatable? Maybe that chunk will forever be missing?

I haven’t even checked the dating site lately or responded to notifications of messages, but strangely I am bumping into a lot of opportunities and invitations to engage with others anyway. But rather than my usual “seize the day” attitude, I’m pausing…weighing out the pros and cons…evaluating the potential for that being my forever “home” – now mind you most likely these opportunities and invitations are not yet considering the possibility of being one another’s “forever home”, they are just playing the game of filling needs and living for the moment. Then there is the guy I keep “playing house with” in my mind… I want to rearrange his furniture and clean everything and imagine myself a part of it…but it’s not my space to do that in. Am I maturing and evolving? Or just making myself crazy?

Why is everything so complicated? I have had quite a few “forever” invitations in the past few years, but I seem to be holding out…I don’t just want to “be married”. I want passion, love, lust, security, safety…I want it all. I feel like age-appropriate men aren’t willing to give it all. Or maybe they don’t have it all to give? I have to break down walls, spend time teaching, and try to inspire passion? All while trying not be shamed for my sex drive or kinky appetite they may or may not understand – sex is truly important to me. I wish I were younger. I would be so much better at it now.

Maybe the whole “one person” paradigm truly is outdated? Maybe our society is in the middle of an evolution? Maybe I’m too much in my head and I need to just go have hot, kinky sex for an afternoon and forget about the bigger picture? (There you are dirty girl…I’ve missed you)

Home again?

Isn’t it so cool when you have someone in your life that you meet and you instantly feel comfortable and familiar in some way? Could it be that two people who have compatible MBTI personality types will always feel that way when meeting or getting to know one another because you see the other person is understanding what you say? Or is it something deeper than that…a spiritual “remembering” from a previous life together perhaps? A person with whom you can be who you are at your very core…no having to pretend to be any particular way to be “accepted” or explaining for the kazillionith time what you mean or how you see something…it’s like “coming home” in a way…to a home you didn’t know was there for you. I think, maybe, if you’re lucky this happens once in a lifetime. I may be the luckiest person ever because I may have found it twice. Or maybe this is more common than I ever considered for most people and it’s just rare for me…regardless I feel truly blessed…”seen”… felt… heard… understood. Yes, I am over-using the ellipsis today… it’s just my pause in thought… shared with you (LOL). My heart feels “at home” today.

4 1/2 Weeks

Another adventure comes to a close. I have been pretty quiet here, I know. So now I will fill you in on the most recent series of events…

You’ve heard of 9 ½ weeks? This was 4 ½ weeks – LOL. I met someone. We bonded over grief – he had recently lost his son to a drug overdose and of course I have lost my fiancé. I didn’t completely trust the new relationship or him, but told myself to stay somewhat detached, not get carried away and just go with the flow to see where it went. Some of my recent travels I went solo, other travels were with him.

He is wealthy, but I paid my own way…because that’s who I am. Not looking for a free ride anywhere, plus he didn’t offer. You learn a lot about someone when you travel with them. This guy was intense (so am I usually – LOL). By the third date he was talking marriage. I explained it was much too soon for “I love you” and marriage talk. He told me he had a little plane on order (Icon A5). I explained I would never ride in it…I’m afraid of heights and small planes, but I hope you enjoy it with yourself and your friends. I told him this no less than 6 times as he told people we were interacting with about his plane on order. He booked a Bahama cruise for a vacation “on him” for the end of August/beginning of September. Talked about selling his house and buying a house “for us”. I encouraged him that whatever he bought should be “for him” not “for us” – too soon…too fast.

I noticed a lot of selfish tendencies, but at first chalked it up to him not used to being in a good relationship with someone or not being used to dating. I noticed a lot of negative talk about people, places and things…and brought those negative assumptions and connotations to his attention and reminded him it’s better to look for the positive or ignore what you don’t care for…because what we focus on expands. So we are strolling along, seeing each other far too frequently…traveling together, etc. I decide it’s time to address the elephant in the room. I’ve noticed he is often deceptive, exaggerating, acting in very selfish ways – this makes me uncomfortable, and I’d like to discuss. He makes promises to do better.

Another week goes by and I need to address it again…this time he ignores and tells me he just took delivery of “our” plane – let’s go! I remind him I cannot/won’t ride in it. He acts shocked – “Why??” I explain again, “like I already told you, I am afraid of heights and small planes – and also it’s not “ours”, we aren’t’ married.” He got very angry and said “Fine – I will get rid of it, it will cost me – but whatever.”  Then he proceeds to go flying every day, telling me all the things I’m missing and sending me pictures in some sort of effort to change my mind I guess.

Meanwhile, every conversation we are having is now involving money. He is too cheap to leave a decent tip (so I will), he is too cheap to buy his own jerky or new sheets (so I do), too cheap to make a bed adjustment so I can be comfortable in his…but not too cheap to spend $400,000 on a toy. It became clear to me the only person in the world that was important to him was himself. He lacks empathy, compassion and sensitivity. The whole 4 1/2 weeks was a blur of constant activity and chaos. A constant shifting from one thing to the next and a hurried doing too much…too fast.

I was feeling often deceived and manipulated. So, I addressed my concerns again and explained that I feel we aren’t a good match and should stop seeing each other. I was in a 24 year marriage with a selfish person, I have no tolerance anymore.  His response was “What time will you come over?”. I explained then and in the subsequent requests over the next several days with “No. I’m sorry. We are not a good match.” And “No, thank you.” He tried to lure me over with “I thought you liked the sex. Don’t you want to come and play?” (side note – it was not amazing sex…just adequate and had “potential”) “I finished booking our trip to the Bahamas and another for the Mediterranean. When can I see you?”, and “Come list my house”.

Finally, he reached a boiling point yesterday when he asked again for me to come over and I politely declined. Now he says “Fuck you. Go fuck whoever you want to.” Followed by a barrage of “Fuck you – you’re a selfish cunt.” “You aren’t good enough to sell my doghouse” “You will never list a house in my area now” “Drop dead you high-maintenance cunt.” Most of the texts I ignored. A few I just said, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I wish you the best.” One I did suggest he try being honest with himself as well as others since he accidentally sent me a text message he meant to send to his friend talking badly about me…

Now there is silence. Which is good, except for he may be plotting some sort of revenge for me not falling into line and doing what he wanted. I’m thankful I trusted my gut enough to not fall into some sort of fantasy land with him or to share all of myself with him…he would have more ammunition for revenge if he knew more about me. This is not the first time I have attracted a narcissist. So of course today I have had to do a lot of thinking about why a narcissist might feel I could be a target. I think there are a number of factors.

My step-father was one, as was my ex-husband, so on a sub-conscious level I might perceive it as comfortable or a familiar situation – therefore in the past I have stayed far too long and allowed it to harm me. Another factor is that I am very trusting and to some degree naïve – I usually put all of myself out there…in pure authenticity and just believe most people are kind and decent, then get surprised when someone is not. Another one is that I do genuinely care about people. I try to help, offer encouragement and support…which may make me more of a target. I’m just thankful I protected myself this time and stepped back more quickly. Always, always, trust your gut.

In general, I have slowed down the dating train as I was preoccupied momentarily by this one. I’m okay with a slower train though. I think to find the right person, I may just have to show some restraint, move at a slower pace and behave a little more emotionally mature. Wish me luck!

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