I have to share this new discovery…
This is a great blog and an amazing woman 🙂
I have to share this new discovery…
This is a great blog and an amazing woman 🙂
Pretentious fucktard. I was willing to put up with that…
In exchange for intelligence and understanding of my quirky, nerdy self. But you left – so you lose. He even said “I heart sensuous nerds. You are my species.” Then I never even got a decent chance.
So, I am aware I have some abandonment issues. All the men in my life have abandoned me – especially when I thought I needed them the most. The last love I had would not have – because he truly adored me – but he died. So, there you have it…abandoned again.
Since I have this issue and because I get weird trying to make new social connections, things get freaky. I start preparing to be abandoned before we are even in relationship – I need an unusual amount of reassurance until we get established. I own my issues. I don’t blame others for leaving – the energy is fucked up. Someone just needs to find me worthwhile enough to get past that part.
In the four years since Robert died, each time I dip my toes back into the dating world I learn things. Normally learning is fun – but not this kind. Either my internal freak out makes me look like drama and he leaves or I get so aggressive I have too much masculine energy – not leaving room for him to feel like a guy in the relationship and he doesn’t want to date another guy so he leaves. I show up in a diminished and uncertain way because I am an INTJ having an internal momentary meltdown.
Normally I own my own personal power. I am confident in all other aspects of my life. I am confident in relationship once I get past the meltdown part…I just have to figure out to navigate the “get to know you” establishment part. Every interaction is a power exchange of some sort. There is an unspoken negotiation going on. Because I care and because I want to be in relationship again, I immediately lose my personal power. Maybe the trick is to not care?
I am dancing in the kitchen listening to Elle King and making candied thick cut bacon on a stick. Why? because bacon on a stick is fucking good 🙂
So far today I have finished 2 books, researched crypto currency (note – no one ever should tell a visual person they are “balls deep” in something…I just can’t get the image to go away….), bought some, had phone sex (because why not?), ordered groceries, danced…candied bacon…and it’s not yet 9am. Productivity at it’s finest.
Why is my phone so spastic and just bad? Text conversation today T: “Women’s sexy clothing is kinda self bondage” Me: “True. Especially the shoes. I’m not sure Ben appreciate it enough to make it worth the effort.” Me: “MEN not Ben – I don’t know Ben.”
Hosting an outdoor, socially distanced birthday celebration for my youngest daughter’s partner Julia today. That should keep me out of trouble for the afternoon 😉
Potentially great idea? If I need to go back on a dating site, instead of long introduction trying to have the right balance of sane and sexy, smart but not intimidating “stuff” – how about this?
Highly sexual, sometimes kinky INTJ (Looking for whatever is of interest to her, but likely a final LTR) Submit application and Resume. I will get back to you.
Maybe it would weed out the weak and stupid in some Darwinian way? Let the cream rise to the top?
Side note: Really appreciating Instacart lately. Order groceries in the middle of the night – they show up like magic. Makes me happy.
I feel sooo much lighter! I just went in and figured out how to completely cancel the dating app (vs just being invisible)…it’s okay I paid too much for being there for 3 weeks (don’t offer a woman a discount for 3 or 6 months – it’s just rude).
I’m doing my dorky happy dance and channeling my inner Anna Kendrick.
I made one really good friend. We will stay friends. And I will be his wing woman when he needs it. We didn’t match perfectly kink wise but I love him as a friend…he is just as messy and complicated as me (but smarter).
I have a standing NSA fuck buddy whenever I need/want it. We will stay friends. My new “Daddy”. Way smarter and wiser than me…I adore him.
And by some miracle, I have a real potential person that might work out that I am super excited about. I will do my best not to fuck up building on that potential.
Please, please, please let me never ever go back there to dating app hell.
I know I’m up, I’m down – I’m everywhere. Knowing me is a fucking roller coaster when I try to be social. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” I’m a classic. A walking, talking, breathing contradiction. It’s okay – the whiplash will grow on you 🙂
String theory would be my friend today – or so I thought…today everything has a double meaning. “Two particles interact – they slam together – and cause the path of each to be deflected.” Even science isn’t making me feel better. It’s fucking with me too. I tried to distract myself from the icky feelings I created being mentally and emotionally naked in front of a stranger. I had a weird intersection of real life and anonymous blog life. Bad idea.
It’s not safe for a woman like me – out in the real world with shields down. ”Un-matched”, “Deleted”. I am okay alone, I just thought it would be nice to have company again. I miss having a partner. I am too much. Always. Too much, too soon, too fast. I’m over-reacting. I can’t help it if it hurts deeply. It’s a lifetime of not being understood and being misunderstood. It’s cumulative you know. Plus I have been on figurative tilt for several weeks now because of the stupid dating site.
So much stupidity out there. I’m better off to shut it down again…back into “time out” …the sexual desire will stop if I ignore it and don’t feed it. I need to just not kiss anyone or let them touch me. There are enough books and articles on this planet to sustain my mind for the time I have left. I will sign up for another disaster relief operation for my heart. Helping others is good. Hurricane season is coming…I will position myself to be ready to go. I will do what I can to make the world a better place for other people. I will show kindness and compassion even if no one gives it back.
Maybe it was a bad idea to try to engage socially again. I need to just stick to the arm’s length interactions with people who think they know me but really don’t. They only know the small slice I let them see. This blog needs deleting. It hurts to be authentic. One of my friends who does really know me said I just need to slow down. Try to follow the rules of dating. I act like a tornado. And a hurricane. At the same time…during a blizzard. I’m too intense.
I hear myself telling myself “happiness is a choice – remember…you wrote about that quite a lot”. Maybe that was bullshit. Maybe it was to get me through a really fucked up thing or twenty.
It’s the human interaction on the “feeling” level that always fucking breaks me. When will I learn? Stay in my lane – stick with the logic and the distance. I know I’m not “undesirable” as far as the opposite sex is concerned…but I sure am unlovable it seems. Every time I put myself out there, I end up harder and tougher. Maybe I will finally get it through my head not to put myself out there at all.
I just don’t belong out in the world interacting with normal people…Heavy sigh.
**Update. Overthinking strikes again. He didn’t knowingly delete me.(BS?) I’m just going to leave this right here to remind myself of the perils of overthinking and jumping to conclusions. What would I want someone to do if the situation were reversed? I would say “just fucking ask me”. Next time I will. **2nd update – he ended up ghosting me.
Okay – what are you so scared of? You are fucking fearless. What is this bullshit? I am so in my head about this…
What if I finally stumbled across one of the few men on the planet who might really understand me AND be okay with who I am and how I think…what if I did and he meets me and doesn’t like the way I look? Mentally and emotionally I’ve already stepped out there “naked” and said “hey this is me” but what if I’m not cute enough or pretty enough or just “enough”? I can deal with rejection all the time in lots of areas because people don’t really understand me, but to get rejected by someone who understands me would be extra crushing.
Maybe I should buy a Peleton today and work out really hard for 6 months before meeting him? (This actually occurred to me at 3am!) Get a tummy tuck and a boob lift real quick? Move to a foreign country and start over? Meet him as soon as possible to rip off the band-aid so I can go to bed for a month to recover from the loss and get back to work?
UGH!!!! I hate dating. I hate the weak, whiny, insecure person it makes me. If I were a guy would I be worrying like this? I don’t think so.
Update** Realized I’ve been “unmatched”. Guess I don’t need a Peleton after all. I even bought the graphic novel to know him better. It’s okay. I know how to be alone….I just thought maybe I didn’t have to be. **
So…another issue on my mind. Clarity around ways of having sex or types of sex. Here is some stuff I found when I did a quick google of “difference between having sex and fucking”:
MAKING LOVE: Tender, slow, usually missionary or cowgirl positions, lots of eye contact and whispering about feelings.
FUCKING: Animalistic, hard, rough. Doggy-style or missionary positions preferred. Hair-pulling and back-scratching encouraged. This isn’t about feelings, it’s about pleasure.
HAVING SEX: Anything that’s not one of the first two. Can be anywhere from soft to hard, but really having sex is about exploration. This is where you play games, explore fantasies, and tease, tease, tease. All positions included, the more complex the better.
Another way to say it: You fuck with your body, you make love with your heart, but you have sex with your mind.
Well, as far as “making love” goes, I don’t really want to whisper about “feelings” (besides I do have some hearing loss in my left ear so I may not hear you – bad story for another day). But I do get the sentiment and it’s fine on occasion if it makes my partner happy or maybe we are tired and just wanting a lovely, soft exchange. I’m down.
Fucking, yes. I do like that…a lot. Any and all positions…back-scratching?! Not sure about that…LOL
Having sex other than the first two, yep. I’m down with that also. Exploration/experimentation is fun.
I guess the takeaway is, for many sex is an expression of love. For me it’s more. Or can be. It’s a full on mind/body meld when it’s ”right” or it can just be an expression of a moment in time in all it’s glory, passion and “nowness” – with or without “love”. Sex is one of the few times I can stop thinking if I choose and just “be” in the physical pleasure of it – which is kind of nice when a girl is in her head all the time.
I guess I like people to know how to do them all. (And the ones that make me even stop to think about it).
This explains so very much. It even explains why I have always felt I didn’t really understand other women as well as I should. They aren’t like me. It’s not another “broken” thing about me, it’s just the way I’m built. Even though I will tell you all day long – I don’t give a fuck what most people think of me – it is oddly comforting to know I am not alone in my quirks.
My husband used to accuse me of “making a face”. It was the actual source of him yelling at me and calling me names. I told him so many times – I did not “make a face”, this is just my face. If you think my face is saying you’re an asshole, maybe you just feel guilty because you are one? Sometimes that face makes people tell you things they didn’t mean to also. Apparently, that is a thing INTJs do/have. And really, like I told my husband it doesn’t mean anything. I might be bored, lost in thought or processing how I’m going to meet whatever need I hear you telling me you have. It really is just my face. I’m not trying to tell you something with it.
If I have something to say, I will tell you. That is part of the personality type also. I suck at small talk – always have, even as a child. Adults were sometimes shocked because they would try to make pleasant small talk with me and I would just ask them some random off the wall question, most likely way too personal, because well…inquiring minds want to know. Inappropriate questions – check…part of being INTJ. Over the years I have learned to be more tactful (sometimes…mostly) – thank goodness – but I still prefer to be bluntly, straight-forwardly honest. I will say nothing (and that’s okay – don’t panic) or go deep. I don’t operate well or long in the in-between. Really kind of relieved maybe that’s not another “broken” thing about me – it’s just a personality trait and other people are that way too. Again, oddly comforting…
Not playing with other kids much as a child, but spending my days exploring the woods or riding my horse or reading everything in sight – including at one time volumes of the encyclopedia. I read Thoreau, Kahlil Gibran, and Ram Dass at age 7 or 8. I blamed my parents for not having more age-appropriate reading material around…maybe it wasn’t their fault? Socially awkward much – LOL. Not ever feeling “girly” enough – yes, for sure. Easy A’s at school of course – if you have half a brain and a little common sense, that is easy. Competitive – guilty. Overthinking and always curious, yep. Accused of being “cold-hearted” or “not playing nice” at work – yes, which is one of the reasons it’s best for me to be the boss or work alone. Misunderstood – most definitely…every day of my life!
Apparently INTJs also have problems with authority – oh yes, we do. Especially incompetent authority! I have such a history with this you have no idea. I worked at Burger King for 6 hours as a teenager. Then quit and started a business of my own. I have also always had a little bit of an issue with perfectionism. I don’t really expect it from others, but I do from myself if left unchecked. I’m actually very disappointed in myself for not finding the cure for cancer or creating world peace already. Less emotional – check. Or even really knowing how to process emotion all that well – check again. People exhaust me – yes. Time alone to recharge – yes, please. Relationships difficult because I want them to be logical – yes. Feel different than everyone around me – yes. Weird humor – yep, me again…either that or overly literal and not getting the joke.
I do have a tribe. They don’t know where I am and aren’t even looking, but I do belong. This makes me feel happy. Although the fact most women are not this personality type, still makes me kind of an odd duck…or so one website says a “unicorn”. Someone I volunteer with gave me something about a sexy nonprofit unicorn…I have been called a unicorn in another regard also. I am not comfortable with that label. Again – no surprise, labels never fit me well.
Okay – I am stepping back from the dating site again.
This shit is so not fun! Most people do not “get” me. I am geeky, nerdy, somewhat smart, always curious, very open…why is everyone so…what are the words I’m looking for?…tight, small-minded, judgmental, lacking anything of substance? It hurts my soul.
Someone has to be able to see the value in who I am. I will not settle for mediocrity. Life is supposed to be fun and engaging and stimulating – right? If I read one more time “I was born and raised in the PNW and love all the fishing, hiking and hunting the area has to offer. I ride my bike 40 miles a day and eat Paleo every other Thursday. I just want to watch sports – Go M’s!.” I am going to loose my fucking mind!
Time to clear the roster too I think…the couple of short term ENM people are letting me down also (Thanks it’s been a lovely 2-3 weeks). Too much too soon? Yeah…that’s how I do it!
Time to focus on my businesses again. Take on another disaster relief response with the nonprofit. My soul mate will have to come find me at Trader Joe’s near the avocados after all…or post COVID when I am free to roam the world, he can find me on a beach where only locals would go, trying to learn something new…I will be the blonde contemplating life and reading a book or writing on her laptop.
Occasionally I am a smart ass. I never mean it in a mean way…these dating sites, Holy cow I just have so much to say. I swipe left or click the “x” over and over again…so many times. I see so much ridiculousness. I even put some tips for guys on my profile – simple stuff like “Don’t take your selfie from down low giving yourself 14 chins” and “Don’t simply respond to someone with one-word answers. Show some interest and maybe ask a question.” You know this stuff seems like common sense to me, not rocket science.
Every day I do check my “matches” and also see who had “liked” me. Just in case…you know fireworks could happen and I could instantly recognize my soul mate staring back at me…so I have to look. No info…swipe left. Never been married (at 65?!) …something is wrong there…swipe left. You get the idea. We are sifting and sorting, so you come up with a shorthand rather than reading every profile (when there is even information to read). Yesterday some guy who “liked” me also included a little message “I think I might like you.” This made me laugh. I thought “Hmm either he is very honest or really has no clue what to say” because that is something I might say in an honest way – like “I’m bookmarking you right here because something about you says I might like you but I’m not quite sure yet”. FYI – it’s really best to keep those words in your head I’ve found.
I decided to go ahead and look at his profile – although that can be risky because occasionally after you look at someone’s profile, they start grilling you about why you looked, why you haven’t spoken to them…it just gets awkward. The guy really has nothing to say. Interests are “women”, Status “Divorced”, lots of pictures…okay, I will look. What can I learn about Mr. Nothing to Say through his photos…So many group shots…okay he wants me to know he has friends. Lots of mountains…okay that makes a little sense based on where he lives. Uh Oh – Really bad selfie. Taken in what is clearly a public men’s room with eyeglasses in his mouth (no other photo shows glasses -whose glasses are these?).
I messaged him back. “Hi. The bathroom selfie, you should delete it. LOL” He responds back “Thanks for the tip, let me look.” Then, “WTH! I thought that was my best picture! Enlighten me please, is it the location or something else?” So, I decide to just be helpful and explain some things…
“Something about the men’s room – the urinal and the stall in the background – it’s just not sexy. I “X” so many profiles, once in a while I just decide to be helpful. You are a handsome guy…looking fairly sexy…there are certain things that will make a woman say “No, Thank You” quickly so I’m just trying to help. Trust me – the bathroom selfie needs to go. Another example is if someone looks like Santa – that’s a “no, thank you”. If a guy looks like he lives with his mother – “no, thank you”. Sounds so super sadly desperate and needs to spend some time with his own hand before coming out into the real world again – “no, thank you”. Huge fish…what am I supposed to feel about this? Get ready to cook or wow you can provide fresh seafood for me in event of a zombie apocalypse? “No thanks”. Yep, BIG motorcycle…most likely small something else – “no, thank you”. You have to decide what type of woman you are going for and then “sell” to her. For instance, the fastest way into a smart woman’s panties is through her mind. If you want a dumb one the fastest way to her panties is with “stuff” or sympathy (direction to choose depending upon your longer-term goal).
He responds with “I have my own reasons why I choose to pursue the people I do, but there is a code among men that won’t allow me to detail it as you have.” I say “Okay – LOL…understood. I had a few minutes so I’m just trying to help a guy out.” He replied back “Well, you are obviously a lot smarter than I. Am I dismissed now? Clearly we have a conflict of interest.” …Geez Louise. Everybody needs to lighten the fuck up!! I was being a smart ass! There is some truth in there too…And you actually have to have some “interest” before there can be a conflict of interest (pun intended).
Lovely Sunday morning…I am so contented this morning. There is nothing better that I can think of right at this moment than 4 or 5 hours of blissful, highly orgasmic sex…a wonderful way to spend an afternoon…or evening…or morning…or any time.
I am not a religious woman – but Thank you God or the Universe or whomever there are men who understand how to do this. Multi-hour, multi-orgasmic pleasure for both parties.
In the middle of the night, I was awake again thinking about sex and relationships and dating. I am super sexual. This IS an issue…It does come in waves. I mean, I am always very sexual, but there are times when I am over the top super sexual – a man has got to be able to ride those waves.
I said it somewhere else in this blog a few years ago, we need to start a male sexual revolution. Trust me – a man can come more than once. With edging, a man can really teach himself to be a great fuck. (There are some other tricks too, but if I told you I’d have to kill you).
That can go a really long way in a relationship. You are not going to toss a man back because he annoys you with little things he does if he is great in bed. Great sex makes you more tolerant and also more patient. This thought to be continued…
If “Familysearch.org” is to be believed, I am a descendant of the Celtic Warrior Queen Bodicca of the Iceni. It’s weird to think I might share some family trait or even dna with someone from history who had some sort of impact. I have to let this sit for a while…I’m not sure what to think of it. Realistically, if true, it is far too many generations away to be of value – right? Everyone is related to someone somewhere up the line. I was reading about her. I have a lot of thoughts about her challenges and choices.
Meanwhile today I am finding meaning in song lyrics.
It’s not simple to say
Most days I don’t recognize me
These shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave ’em
It’s not easy to know
I’m not anything like I used to be
Although it’s true
I was never attention sweet center
I still remember that girl
She’s imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine
It’s not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it’s all true
And now I’ve got you
And you’re not what I asked for
If I’m honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew
Who be reckless just enough
Who can hurt but
Who learns how to toughen up when she’s bruised
And gets used by a man who can’t love
And then she’ll get stuck and be scared
Of the life that’s inside her
Growing stronger each day
‘Til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little
To bring back the fire in her eyes
That’s been gone but it used to be mine
Used to be mine
She is messy but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine
by, Sara Beth Bareilles
I have recently discovered there are different types of Doms. Apparently, the rest of the world knows this, I have found after some googling…
Many times I have declared “he’s not really a Dom” after an encounter only because he wasn’t the type I expected or didn’t express his dominance the way I prefer. There are also layers of skill to dominating. I’m not sure there is enough research or talk about the skill required to be good. A good Dom should care the sub has pleasure also. They should know how to extract the pleasure from the sub who is trying so earnestly to meet the needs of the Dom – that creates a level of loyalty/commitment and cements those submissive acts into pleasure linked synapses. When I have flipped the script and dominated, I took great pride and joy from making my temporary sub feel enormous pleasure in being dominated…(the kind of pleasure they will look back on with a little embarrassment and a lot of happiness).
There are Alpha doms, soft-core doms, sadistic doms, daddy doms, Master doms…the list goes on. Of course there are varying degrees of each type as well. It’s basically a “dom buffet” out there if you figure out where to look. (I also should remember to be really careful saying I want one, because the wrong dom will make me fight like a hell cat I’m quite certain and that would not be a happy time for anyone involved.)
Any dominant should treat the submission they are given as a valuable gift. Taking it for granted is not a good idea. I have also discovered the term “submissive” is not a “one size fits all” label either. Service submissive (hello 24 year fucking marriage of service-duh. I even ironed his shirts daily), Sexual submissive, Forced Submissive, Smart-assed Masochist, Littles, Slaves, Furries, Primals, Pro, etc. and all them of course come in varying degrees.
I think…maybe…since we are all unique, maybe each person is their own little “cocktail”. A mix of one part this, two parts that. (I might be two parts sexual sub, one part smart-assed masochist, with a side of little) I think it may change for different times in your life too. I’m quite sure I used to be three parts service and one-part sexual sub.
I’m also trying to wrap my brain around the difference between kink and fetish. From what I gather, kink is an activity or behavior one enjoys outside of the “norm”. A fetish appears to be a thing or act that is required for arousal. I have “fetishy” days (yes, it’s a word – I just used it), but I think I am more kinky that fetishy.
The trick is finding the partner you can communicate with to get the right balance and mix for optimum relationship longevity and bliss. I guess the point is we are all snowflakes and need to appreciate the uniqueness in ourselves and others.
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM). There have been multiple periods of time in my life when this was absolutely the best choice, as it is right now. Point of clarity: ENM is the most honest and authentic expression of my situation at this moment. I really do want to once again find my “home”, my “person”, my one “safest and best spot to land”. I want my last love. I love that connectedness of one on one – I do really miss it. But until I have it again, – I have to operate in ENM authenticity. Here is what I had to say about it a few years ago
Let’s face it, if we are not in a “singular committed monogamous relationship” at this moment, then we are in some sort of non-monogamous posture. We will stop and admire every bright and shiny object. It is human nature. So, if you are single and dating…you are non-monogamous at this moment in time.
I guess some people will date around and will act with each one like they are the only one. Why start any relationship (or tolerate one) with dishonesty? Just be honest. (I will be honestly non-monogamous until the right person comes along – at which time, it will be my choice to be monogamous again – not society’s or my partner’s.)
Ethical comes from the Greek ethos “moral character” and describes a person or behavior as right in the moral sense – truthful, fair, and honest.
There are lots of types of non-monogamy (See cool funny reference chart below stolen from someone online) and there are many reasons for choosing non-monogamy. But the point is to be your authentic self – whatever that looks like – and when you are being authentic, honesty is a natural by-product.
The problem lies in the “ethical” part of the equation. Being human, sometimes we fear confrontation with those we care about. We feel that by telling the truth – the whole truth – we will hurt them. If everyone understands the “rules” or expectations of the ENM relationship, we are empowered by the whole truth, not hurt by it. Most often the negative feeling that arises from “the truth” is jealousy. There are a couple of things (or many things) I have to say about that…
1) You are responsible for your own feelings.
2) If you are in a relationship of some sort with this person, you matter to them on some level. You will not stop mattering to them just because others matter to them also.
3) If you care about this person, you want them to be happy also. And their happiness can make you happy (compersion).
4) You and your partner(s) should define the “rules” or expectations within your relationship.
“Compersion” is loosely defined as the opposite of jealousy. Instead of feeling upset, angry, sad or threatened when a partner romantically or sexually interacts with another person – you feel a sense of happiness for them. You feel “empathetic joy”. You are joyful for the other person for things that have nothing to do with you. (Kind of like when someone you care about gets a new job or a promotion or gets married – you are genuinely happy for them). The Sanskrit word for it is mudita, it is one of a core pillars of Buddhism (and one of the hardest to master). We have been trained to protect our “love” relationships and have organized our entire society around monogamy, so learning not to be jealous takes conscious practice. We will still feel jealous from time to time. It won’t really hold any power over us if we can talk it through with our partners and they can reassure us we do still matter to them and everything is okay.
We do have the ability to feel love for more than one person at a time. Love expands. Think of the number of friends you have, or the number of children you have – there is never less love to go around because there are more people. It expands. You don’t say to one child – sorry all the love has been disbursed…none left for you! There is always more. It is one of the few things that is not finite.
To make ENM work it requires good communication. I have to be able to say where I’m going, who I’m sleeping with, what I’m doing – without a freak out. My partner(s) have to be able to do the same when filling me in – no judgement, no freak out, no controlling issues…Honest, open, judgement-free sharing of thoughts and feelings.
It also sometimes requires a color-coded calendar…but let’s face it – I’m a geek and will jump at the opportunity to color code some shit! It requires the participants to act like adults and to show care, concern, compassion and empathy for their partners…but shouldn’t we actually be doing that anyway?
“Sub-drop” (or the loss of endorphin high and subsequent “down” feelings from really good sex) is real. I forgot about its existence. It’s been a minute (or more precisely 2,102,400 minutes – give or take…)
I cannot feel happy and sad at the same time. How I feel is a choice of focus. Everything is okay. All is well. The Universe has my back (and sides and front and all of me….). When in total doubt about how to move into a better thought, distract yourself for a moment – have another orgasm…then choose a different thought and dance in the kitchen.
Every once in a while, I should take my own advice and listen to the shit I tell other people. Here is my own quote:
“We were born as blissful little creatures full of source energy, perfect in every way, to create and have fun creating a life filled with love, happiness and to grow and expand our consciousness. You were born perfect. Or more precisely “perfectly imperfect”. You are a divine manifestation of the universe. To treat yourself or anyone else as less than that is ridiculous. You are divine. Get used to it. Love yourself. Be happy.“
“When your life is ripped away, you have a choice. You can fight it, resist it, deny it and make all of it even more painful than it already is – or you can just surrender and release your expectation of how you feel it should be. Go with the flow of it. Trust yourself. Trust the Universe. Trust and just see where the non-resistant letting go takes you.“
“We all have a responsibility to each other. We are supposed to participate in the co-creation of our world and what we do affects the collective consciousness of the planet and all of us expand to better versions of ourselves. When you are happy, coming from a place of contribution with inspired thought and inspired action, you make the world a better place. What you do matters. “
I am once again surrendering. Trusting all is well. Submitting to the Universe.
Okay here we go. This most likely won’t make sense to anyone but me. I woke up this morning from a deep sleep in a boom – all of a sudden – sit straight up – flash of knowledge. In my sleep I was floating, he was holding me gently through the currents of emotion. Rock steady safety during whitewater emotion. I see that as his purpose. Calm assertive. Not pain centered but emotion centered. Wednesday full-on sex fest – so many orgasms…emotional dam breaks – crying (not my style). Thursday courage to write, think and analyze things I have never said out loud before (post called – Why I don’t know how to date). I had the free space to do it because of the emotional release. Writing it was cathartic and healing to some degree and also provided the mental framework for me to understand some of my own actions. But the epiphany I had, was the purpose (at least for me) of him is to have that rock steady, solid, hold me safely guidance through emotional white water. I don’t always have to tough out and gut out everything on my own. In my dream, he was there – just calm and assertive, holding my head above water – keeping me safe in the rush.
What does it mean to “date”? What is it supposed to look like? The official definition of “date” (as it relates to personal interaction) is “a social meeting planned before it happens, especially between two people who have or might have a romantic relationship”, “a person you have a romantic meeting with”. Okay – I guess I “do” that…maybe…kind of…if you stretch the definition to its limits….(I make sex dates). So, what is the definition of “romantic”? It is “conducive to or characterized by the expression of love”. Hmm. Love? I thought it was just a date. Now here we are throwing around the fucking L word!?!
Someone asked me “Why don’t you just date a while and not do things like meet a stranger at a hotel?” That is a perfectly reasonable question. Why do I not know how to date? I would like to figure this out.
Prepare for serious oversharing that is really just for my own soul. I’m sorting this out by analyzing out loud. Don’t read this – just go back to whatever you were doing before.
The normal “dating age” I would guess is maybe age 13 or 14 to age 100 (or happily settled for the rest of time or dead – whichever comes first). When I was 11, I can remember having crushes on boys…a boy named Taylor with braces, then a boy named Barry – we used to get our parents to drop us off at the roller-skating rink every Friday and Saturday nights and we would spend a lot of time kissing in a corner (we were “going out” according to our classmates). My family moved a lot (18 times in 11 years), so I would have to tell boys “Bye – I’m moving to another state now” and I would be gone. No closure. No break ups – just moved away.
One day when I was 12, I woke up with huge boobs. It probably didn’t really happen overnight; I just wasn’t aware of them until one day I started getting a lot of attention. I mean a lot of attention. Older boys on the bus trying to grope and asking me lewd questions. Adult men started being inappropriate. My own stepfather was getting extra weird too. Girls at school started getting upset with me and told me I needed a bra. My parents would not buy me one – my stepfather said it wasn’t good for me and would weaken muscles. Finally, some girl at school gave me one that was about 4 sizes too small and kind of held me down a little and I wore it everywhere (picture tiny white cloth band aid over huge boobs…ugh). This was happening at the same time I was becoming aware of and trying sort out my parents’ BDSM and swinger tendencies. I was trying to understand how punishments I got for being a “bad kid” with a lewd, kind of pervy feeling stepdad were different from the BDSM stuff I was becoming aware of. Also happening was a policeman my mom was having sex with (with stepdad’s knowledge and consent), became a regular around the house and every time my folks were gone or asleep, Bud’s hands were all over me. Moved again….
Age 13, I was just trying to hide my boobs because I really didn’t know how to handle the attention they brought. I tried to find moments of privacy for my new body, but it wasn’t allowed. I wasn’t allowed to lock the bathroom door to have a shower or a bath and my stepdad was allowed to come in and have a chat while I bathed. If I got upset or complained or in any way acted like it was not perfectly normal or acceptable, I would be severely punished. We moved again.
Age 14 started school in a new place again and had to make new friends. All the kids in my neighborhood were a few years older, but it seemed like I fit in anyway because I had moved so much, I guess it made me more mature. And as we already know, my boobs were mature. I had a Southern accent that I was working on losing, was really still naïve about so many things, and was still used to kind of “being a kid” and doing farm girl things (jumping on horses and playing cowboys and Indians, arm wrestling, thumb wrestling, goofing around in general). One day, while out with a group of boys from this new neighborhood, walking through dense wooded areas between towns (which is something we all did fairly frequently for some reason) we stopped in a clearing. Some of the boys were smoking a joint, a couple had beers. Once of the boys challenged me to a “wrestle”. I had seriously just learned a couple moves in gym class and I thought that’s what he meant – I was actually excited to show my skill. Next thing I know I was on the ground, he had my pants off and was inside me. All I remember saying was “Ouch”. Then I asked him why did he do this and he indicated it was me, – that I had led him on – asked for it and that I had to know what my big boobs and Southern accent did to guys.
We moved again. Still 14, another new town. And now I wasn’t a virgin. I had to figure this thing out – what was this supposed to be like? Now that I was “ruined” anyway, I started initiating sex with every boy I had a crush on or looked like they might know the secret of sex. I had to figure out what is sex supposed to be like? When is it supposed to feel good? How is it supposed to feel good? So, at a time when maybe other girls were learning to “date”, I was crushing on and then fucking to try and understand. All the while still trying my absolute best to stay as far away as possible from my stepdad, because any misstep of any kind could immediately result in the most horrifying naked, punishing situations that I still couldn’t quite piece together the sexuality component of.
Moved again. Now 15 and depressed. Not understanding myself, my life, my relationships…My parents decided it might be best to get me some therapy to help with my “teenaged angst” – I think maybe the school guidance counselor had suggested it? The first dozen times I saw the therapist, I wouldn’t’ talk. Maybe I gave one-word answers or said “I don’t know” to questions asked. She told me she was not going to stop asking and I was in a safe place and could share. I finally told her I would write her a letter and we could see how that went. It seems writing has always been a “go to” for expressing myself. I wasn’t sure I could trust her, so I wasn’t going to tell her everything. I was thinking if I could write out the thing that confused me the most, since she was a therapist, she could answer my questions and give me insight into how to process and understand it. This “one thing” (which is really so multi-layered) involved my wanting to understand the ritualistic, sadistic naked punishments I received for seemingly random and unpredictable mistakes or missteps “for my own good” correction. Since I didn’t know the words “ritualistic or sadistic” yet, I just described how things would unfold. I included information about the sexual relationship of my parents and what I heard at night with their BDSM play and things I saw around. And wanted to understand how come every time I masturbated my mind went to punishment and how do I “fix” that. I was confused. I wanted clarity please – from a professional perspective. I gave her that letter. She read it and thanked me. She also looked like she was about to cry. I watched her take it to who I assumed was her boss. He read it and looked at me. They looked at each other. This is not what I expected. Trust already violated! She left my letter with him and came back to me and told me not to worry. Everything would be fine, and we will talk again next week. I was in panic mode now – I tried to tell her I thought this was like privileged information or something how she didn’t understand that this is not going to be okay.
I never saw her again. There were phone calls to my parents, some meeting scheduled where I was in the car, loud voices and stepdad threatening to “sue their asses off” and more phone calls where stepdad was telling them they would “lose their fucking licenses and they had no clue who they were dealing with”. We never spoke of this again (and I did my best to be invisible for quite a while because punishment for this offense could make me disappeared and dead – really that is how I felt. He was all powerful.) nor did they ever suggest therapy again. We moved.
Now 16, still fucking every crush, trying to understand when sex might get “good”. An accidental pregnancy and subsequent abortion – oops – forgot to learn about birth control. I dropped out of school my sophomore year and moved out of the house to get away from stepdad and create my own life. I focused on working and having an income to support myself and I occasionally had sex with an older co-worker – still looking to figure out why everyone liked sex. I thought that was dating. I did not go on regular “dates”, I had no one asking me out to go to dinner -well once, but I jumped his bones before we got there so we didn’t go – I had to know if he was the one that would make sex magic, so I would understand the allure people had for it. When I did end up in someone’s bed, I was now trying to get them to be rough and spank me or getting frustrated and dominating them in some way. Not going to college with people my own age (I went at night for a while after getting my GED), not working with people my own age, deciding to be career driven…I just did not date. I did not know how.
I got set up on a blind date at age 20 by a co-worker, because all I did was work all the time. The blind date had all sorts of red flags that I did not see because I did not know how to date. I fucked him, then married him because he had “potential” and I was now “old” and might be slated to spend the rest of my life alone in a condo full of cats. I tried to teach him what I needed in bed (and everywhere), to no avail. I was made to feel like I was not “normal”. That took up 24 precious years of my life.
During the divorce process, I tried to “date” but I still didn’t know how. So again, I did it all wrong. In an effort to meet my needs yet be somewhat “reasonable”, I dated differently than most. I had one person for sex only dates so I could try to keep my shit together for dinner dates and activity dates, but still occasionally thought dinner meant sex too. I was a hot fucking mess. My sex-only play date person, I now realize was very much a dom. We just never discussed it – he just met that need at that moment. I have not thought about that really – not until right now in this moment…but I am now realizing it wasn’t just rough sex like he said. The problem was he was going through his own divorce and I was just his plaything (and admittedly he was kind of mine). He didn’t really care about me and I knew it. I was in some way punishing myself for leaving my husband, the marriage contract and for being such a broken person I didn’t get very satisfied from “normal” sex. We were, in these encounters, just satisfying carnal need. And that is okay – but it isn’t “dating”.
I dropped all those people for another long-term relationship that again was not derived from normal “dating”. We met 2 days after my divorce was final – we connected mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically and I let everyone else fall away. He became whatever I needed him to, to meet all my needs. After he died, I still didn’t know how to date so I went back to trying to find different people for different things and mold and shape every lover into the “dom” I often think I need/want. Relationships were fast and intense. I don’t think that’s what “dating” looks like for most people. Sometimes I’m sex connection first – again maybe not what “normal” women do. I put myself in timeout for a couple years. I figured I was needing to do some internal work.
Now I am back out here again. Connecting. Needing to date – but not knowing how. How do people “date”? How do you go to dinner and not wonder what they taste like or if they’re rough enough? (Whoa just heard a piece of Rolling Stone’s song in my mind. “All I want for you to make love to me – Am I hard enough? – Am I rough enough?”)
How do you keep it “normal”?
I did recently have a “normal” dating experience… I think – maybe? Normalish? and quite frankly it made me feel more fucked up than usual. I drove to a different part of the state…and did not fall into bed with him. We had dinner – twice – with no sex, lunch – no sex. We didn’t even kiss. I have reasons. They are good ones. I was being a good human and making a conscious decision not to fuck someone up or fuck them over because I might be really bad news for a “normal” person. I did have to stop and fuck someone on the way home and get my powerful dom fix…and then a stranger in a hotel – and all this is basically within the last fucking week. And then there was the ex Buddhist monk too…I’m a train wreck. (Do NOT slut shame me in your mind. I have pent up needs).
It all started with a kiss and a mild hair pull. Then I realized I’ve been on a starvation diet for 2 1/2 years and have started filling the void at a scary speed due to the pent-up deprivation I feel. (It just occurred to me Robert benefitted from my 24-year marriage of pent-up deprivation…lucky guy he was…maybe why the relationship was so intensely good? Or a contributing factor?) I will put a pin in this thought…there has to be a silver lining somewhere?
Clearly, not only do I not know how to date, but I might be too fucked-up a person to date.
What’s a girl to do? I need to change this blog. I think it says things in it about “dating tips and advice”. I know nothing of those things! I’m a fraud in that regard.
A fucked in the head, broken, no dating, sex monster. I don’t really feel this monologue gave me any real answers today. I would go to therapy, but I’m pretty sure I would just fuck them…
I don’t sleep like I should.
It seems every morning between 1am and 5am, I am awake. Sometimes I use the time to get caught up on work things and be super efficient, other times I will use it as planning time for new business ventures. Today I was going to work on tax prep documents, but then decided not to. Anytime my situation is in flux, I need to mentally sort information and my blogging places are where I do that. So…lucky you. If it doesn’t interest you, that’s okay with me – don’t read it. Something about the act of writing…stringing sentences together to create meaning of random thoughts…has always helped me define, sort, categorize and decide on actions. Once I’ve done that, I am free to move forward with all the other stuff I need to focus on and do.
I can’t make anyone love me, but it you want to try – here is what you need to know:
I am strong willed and driven. I am stubborn and head strong. I know I will never be perfect, but I won’t ever stop trying to be a better version of myself – I also expect that in others.
I say what I think. I may wait a moment or two to make sure I find the right words, but you will always know where you stand.
Intelligence matters – I will not ever settle for less than again. I don’t care about formal education or degrees but I do care about intelligence. I need someone who reads, learns and expands.
We have to be at least equal before I will let you lead. I will endeavor to never again lead from behind – either you are strong enough to lead or you aren’t. And if you aren’t, then move the fuck out of the way.
Even though I am all love and light and happiness, honestly – if given the chance I will spot your weaknesses and dominate you. If you let me dominate too much, I lose respect for you. For me to be truly happy, I have to be able to be submissive sometimes. For me to submit/follow, you need to prove you can be trusted to dominate/lead.
I need to respect you to love you. If I love and respect you – when I spot your weakness, I will not use it to control, dominate, win or in any way harm you – I will protect it (and you) as I would my own.
We all need a soft, safe spot to land. If you are mine – I will be yours. But understand, you will never be my soft spot to land if I can’t trust you, respect you and want to let you lead sometimes. If you become my soft spot to land, you automatically have one with me and I will move heaven and earth to make you feel accepted, loved, adored and emotionally safe no matter how big and strong you appear to be.
Once you have earned my loyalty, I will be loyal to a fault.
The more of anything you give me, the more I give you.
I am done with trying to make people or mold people to be what I need. Either “be” it – or be gone. I am not everyone’s cup of tea – nor is everyone mine – and that is just fine.
I am having a lazy contemplative morning…hmm…my coffee taste so good…my bed is so comfortable. I am filled with appreciation. I am feeling so wonderfully sexually satisfied at this moment…and that feels so good. It makes me feel I can try to approach the dating website again in a healthy, calm, centered way with intentional and meaningful interaction. I do not have to be polite and respond to each person that reaches out. I don’t owe a stranger anything in particular. I do think giving myself a 2 ½ year time out was for sure appropriate and I do believe I am at a better vibrational place now – thus attracting a better grade of people to communicate with and potentially date (or fuck – with perhaps a potential of longer-term dating).
I do realize at this stage in life we are all a little broken. With heartbreak and loss, with disappointment and failures, we have damage. But I also woke up thinking about Kintsugi. The Japanese art of repairing broken objects (particularly pottery). This is done with a lacquer type glue mixed with gold or silver to put the pieces back together in an “embracing of the flaws” to make them beautiful, original, unique, works of art because of the highlighting of the scars. By repairing valuable things and honoring them, sometimes we create something even more beautiful and valuable. I have been broken. I will not lie about that. You will see my scars.
I can embrace my flaws and imperfections, and all the little chinks in the armor of my psyche. I am not currently broken. I am repaired and patched. I am a unique and beautiful, one-of-a-kind piece of art with my precious scars.
One of the problems with deciding to date and find that “someone” to be in relationship with (vs organically finding a relationship when you weren’t looking), is the whole idea of what you focus on expands. When you make a decision to find a partner, you have to pay attention to and acknowledge you don’t have one. It’s like your life is a puzzle and there are some missing pieces – not that you aren’t “enough” on your own, because you technically are – but there is something lacking that you want or need on some level. Unfortunately, what you focus on expands and when you are a really good focuser, that expansion happens very quickly. As a result, the missing pieces feel bigger than usual.
With each interaction you are processing so many things and trying to do it quickly. Does this person have intelligence and intellect to have conversations that can expand your mind or at least keep you from being bored? What if you were stranded together on an island for an unknown period of time…would you get tired of talking with them? Are they overly obsessed about some facet of life that makes you feel inadequate or like you have to change yourself? Are you free to really be yourself with this person? Can they appreciate who you are as you are without wanting/needing to change you? (Everyone deserves to be loved and adored for who they really are) Do their puzzle pieces fill in your missing places? The act of sifting and sorting through people feels like I am turning them every which way trying to see what fits. It’s not fun. Some people enjoy this. Why don’t I?
I think it’s because it pushes me back to another space in life. I can walk around being happy and knowing that I am a really cool assortment of unique stuff that makes me “me” but when I start worrying about how others are viewing and interpreting me – that’s when the shit hits the fan and I start freaking out. What if no one else will ever think I am as awesome as my partner did? What if I’m not as awesome as I think I am? What if I never find someone who can just love and adore me again? Then I start to notice other couples and how happy they seem to be and how they talk about their partnership and it makes me ache. Even when someone talks about a failed partnership or a lost love, it makes me ache because I feel what they had and lost – like I had and lost. I really hate that feelings are a “thing”. They are so messy. Messy and uncontrollable. It makes me very uncomfortable. I guess I should clarify – it’s the negative feelings that are so uncomfortable. Of course, I enjoy the nice ones.
When you are experiencing the ugly feelings, you can come across as so needy and insecure and unworthy. Dating doesn’t feel good. This is the same shit that always sends me back into hiding in my work to ignore the missing pieces. Then there is also the other side, when someone is seeing if you are their missing puzzle pieces and you have to tell them you are not a good fit. As a woman, (I can’t speak from the male perspective here) there is always that moment where you could shape shift to become what the person wants of you. You have to decide if you want to lose yourself to someone else’s ideas. I don’t recommend it. Loosing yourself too long is dangerous. Besides, shape shifting pleases someone for a while but is never truly satisfying – especially to one who did the shifting. Maybe that’s just me – maybe not all women have to wrestle with that demon. I’m going to blame that on Southern influenced dysfunctional family “warp-age”.
Then there are other complexities. To truly find a great relationship, you have to click on so many levels – especially sex. There has to be chemistry. Actually, for me a weird mix of chemistry and mental connection. My logical brain wants to start making lists of the qualities I need and then figuring out to make a quick test to determine if a person has what’s needed. Hi – nice to meet you, please take this 5 minute quiz, then stare into my eyes for 30 seconds, touch me for 30 seconds in the way you think is the most sexy – Then step away for a moment while I check the quiz answers and I will have your “compatibility with me” answer. Easy – 15 minutes tops. I will either fall immediately, madly in love with you, worship the ground you walk on and want to jump your bones every day for the rest of forever or I will thank you for your time and wish you a nice life. Can you imagine? That would really freak some people out. Someone recently asked me some really cool questions. Those should be on the quiz. One was “What is the single most important thing you would want me to know if we were about to be intimate?” It caught me off guard. I have rethought the answer a few times now…still pondering.