In real life, I am a sane, highly functioning person. I’m even keeled, responsible, kind, creative, all the good stuff – really, I am! When I join a dating site, I instantly become a crazy person.
I did not see it coming this time. I thought I was past that. Maybe I am just supposed to get a rocking chair and take up knitting. Maybe I spent all of this lifetime’s relationship karma – I got one good one and he died and now I’m done. I would just hate to look up 20 years from now and feel like I missed out on the rest of my “living” that I had to do. That makes me want to cry – and I am not even normally a crier!
The last time was 2018…no I take it back – I got on for a week in 2019. I thought it was that I hadn’t healed enough from Robert’s death and I was fucked in the head – therefore attracting the wrong people. I just diverted my attention to work. I have not been back or tried to do any dating until now. It’s 2021 now. Surely I am in a better head space! I work. I do my stuff. I contribute to the world around me. I appear normal – I just have no partner. The minute I start interacting with people again, I instantly feel like a crazy person. Maybe it’s because for a woman – or me anyway – the minute you get a profile, you get so much attention. Hundreds of “Likes”, dozens and dozens of emails – so many you can’t even respond to them all. So much to process and sort. Maybe that would make anyone who isn’t a serial dater temporarily insane? I swear I’m normally quite lucid and I’m not in need of psychiatric help.
I hate the feeling. I hate to be feeling out of control (unless it’s a controlled out of control). And holy shit – I have not had sex in so long… it has been YEARS now. I really don’t like this dating bullshit. Why can’t I just order up a partner and be all set?
And another issue – COVID times. How can one safely date? And do dating sites make everyone a little crazy so the person you are interacting with is not quite normal either? And how do you have sex in COVID times?