Friday rambling…

Tags

Dating, relationships

The week so far…
Sunday morning I found out my grown daughter who currently lives with me was going to be out all night…yay! Privacy at home! I thought to myself…what would I like to do with that 36 hours?

I normally have to restrict my walking around naked to hours she is at work or asleep, or stay in my master suite with a robe handy if I need to step out (naked mom makes her uncomfortable…), so I thought I could just be naked. Work at the computer, watch some tv, reorganize the house, whatever…or just have blissful naked silence. I just like the freedom. I started doing it the minute I left my husband. Probably in part just because he wasn’t okay with nakedness and it was just a big fat fuck you to him and his way of thinking.

But instead, I decided to invite C. over – even though I had just seen him the day and night before. He had never been to where I live yet, although he had been to the old house. I usually go to his house and he cooks for me. So I said “Come over…I will make you dinner”. I even agreed he could “sleep over” although I don’t “do” sleepovers, so he didn’t have to drive the 1 ½ hours back home same day (although I do it). He said that would be great he just needed to take his dog to doggy daycare since I would have mine at home plus my daughter’s and his dog is a very large puppy with no manners yet.

I made my famous Argentinian lemon chicken. Now mind you…this is good – really good. People ASK me to make this, they beg…When my kids are asked what restaurant they want to go to for their birthday – they always say “Can I have my mom’s lemon chicken instead?” Making this is a messy, time consuming labor of love. Side note here: did you know you should always prepare your food with thoughts of love? The energy you use/have when preparing food is transferred into the food…think about that.

I have a nice gated entry, very private home…tastefully decorated, amazing view of the ocean, downright “elegant” by some people’s standards. I cleaned (although it’s mostly clean all the time), cooked, lit candles, put on music, created a nice “atmosphere” to have my friend over and I’m thinking we are going to have a great time and amazing sex for about 23 hours.

He was late coming over because daycare wouldn’t take his dog until 6pm, then he had to drive the 1 ½ hours to get here. No biggie…I had a feast ready for him…appetizers, a nice salad, a main course and dessert. I showed him around and offered him food. He seemed…uncomfortable. My dogs were wanting to visit with him – he wasn’t into it. He picked at the food, although he said he was hungry. I’m asking him questions to see if I can gently get to the bottom of whatever his issue(s) are…no real answers came other than that he just needs some time to get used to being in my place. Okay.

After dinner, I put the dishes in the sink and tidy up and we end up on the couch. It’s still light out, so he’s looking at the view. Now mind you – he has a waterfront home…this view is different but equal. He just has a bay he looks at…smaller – this view is miles, but he has seen it before – it’s the same view as the old house. I cuddle up and basically ask if he wants to lose the clothes and cuddle naked (I’m touching him) or watch a movie or what would he like to do…he says let’s just talk. Okay.

So after a few hours of talking, again I suggest let’s get naked and fool around…but now we have lightning. He’s really into watching the lightning flashes across the water. Okay. I suggest we watch from bed and we go into the bedroom but he decides the lightening is best seen from the other room – that angle is better based on the lightening mostly being to the left. Okay. Can we turn the ceiling fan off? He’s cold. Whatever. Okay Nancy.

Shortly after midnight (and still occasionally touching him trying to get him in a sex mood) he decides maybe we should go to bed (thank goodness because it is way past my bedtime now!). So I take all my wonderful feather pillows off the bed (because he’s allergic) and replace them with non-feather pillows. He asks for the ceiling fan to be off – still cold…okay. Guessing you can’t sleep with the window open and an ocean breeze either…whatever (sleepovers are bad). He asks if he can have my side of the bed…I hesitate for a second thinking I have to move my phone charger…he says never mind. I think good – I don’t even “do” sleepovers and I don’t want to sleep on the wrong side of the bed – actually I sleep in the fucking middle so you’re lucky you can even have a “side”. I strip down and get in bed (I always sleep naked – and I have told him this), he says “you really do sleep naked?” WTF? Yes, I do. By now it’s 1am and I am really tired. I am always up for sex though…but he announces he’s really tired to and can’t wait to fall asleep. Okay.

So the next 4 hours are why I don’t “do” sleepovers. I’m tired, but can’t fall asleep….I have to stay still and on my side…I doze a little, but keep waking up. 5am the dogs jump on the bed because this is the time I normally get up and they need to go potty. I ask him if after I take them out he wants coffee or to sleep. He says he wants coffee and starts to get up – I say for him to stay put, we will have coffee in bed.

The dogs and I return with coffee. I drop my robe and get back in bed. He grabs the remote and turns on the tv with the question of “Do you really not watch the news?” and I say “Yes, I don’t…it’s much too negative plus my ex-husband watched it like 12 times a day…I’ve seen and heard my quota”. He says “Well, I like to be somewhat informed. We will have to find a way for you to be informed without watching the news.” While turning to the news station. Meanwhile he is upset my dogs are wanting to be on the bed. He doesn’t like dogs on the bed. Well – fuck me – my dogs are furry babies and they and my bed are clean – WTF? Within 20 seconds I have now heard about a shooting, a rape, and an armed robbery. I explain that when you start the day with this stuff, it kind of sets a tone. Perhaps the news can wait until later in the day…I start my days with coffee, looking at the water, quiet reflection, yoga, meditation, a nice steam shower…He decides I’m right and turns off the tv.

I go get us a second cup of coffee and bring it back. I tell him I don’t really have to think about work until 12 or 1, we can have a relaxing morning (I’m thinking sex). He’s officially “retired” although not retirement age – I figure he can enjoy the morning also…right? We talk about how little sleep we actually got (I could take a nap after sex), he consults his fitbit…yep, an unacceptable amount of sleep. We talk about the fact he has things to do…Amazon Prime Day…Exes…dogs…weather. He asks me if I’m in the mood for sex or not…I am thinking “about fucking time”…I’m so tired…but always up for it…So I say “I’m not really there mentally yet, but I can certainly get there!” I’m thinking – let’s take our time…lazy morning sex can be so lovely…next thing I know – he’s done. WTF?

Being the cool chick I am, I think okay we can still play and have a fun morning. Nope – not with this guy…when he’s done, it over. I explain it doesn’t have to be…trust me…but his mind is made up – he’s never been able to and after orgasm he just loses interest. (Selfish prick) Doesn’t want to shower together…wants breakfast. Okay, I’m off to make breakfast.

After breakfast, I try again…sex? Shower? Nope – he needs to go get his boat ready for the 4th of July. Okay. I say good-bye and start my workday…frustrated – I took care of myself in the shower, but still am annoyed and sexually frustrated. The sex is usually very good…I think he’s just getting it more often than he’s used to and starting to take it for granted. I work all day with thoughts of maybe this isn’t a good match…I am way to sexual for him. Meanwhile, I happened to get involved in conversation with the other guy I let go last week (S.) and mention how frustrated I feel and he agrees to help me out with that tomorrow. S. is younger and has good stamina and creativity. A ray of sunshine.

I even headed out to my yoga and meditation that evening still feeling…so frustrated! 90 minutes of yoga and 60 minutes of deep meditation later, I am feeling better…more centered, less frustrated. I get in the car to head home and see I have a text from C. It says “Can we talk?” I’m thinking – yeah we better because your days are numbered buddy. I reply “sure”. He calls me. He tells me he has reflected on it all day and he wants to apologize. He was selfish. He wants to say he was sorry for last night and this morning and he doesn’t know why he was selfish, but realizes he was, and he’s sorry. Okay. I explain that I was feeling like I should address it but was waiting until I was finished thinking about it and could communicate clearly.

Tuesday rolls around…I have so much to do this week – been up working since 5am! I consider cancelling the date I made yesterday because I have so much to do. I explain to C. I have more to do than one person can do, it’s also the end of the month – which gives me extra work stress, I have to meet with moving men on Thursday to get the rest of my stuff from the old house – would he like to come hang out and keep me company on Thursday while I do that? Non-answer in return…okay, think about it. Meanwhile, S. texts to ask if I’m still frustrated and still need a long lunch. “Maybe” I say… Then an hour later – “fuck yes”, “meet me at 1:30” and I hit hyper-drive mode to get shit done before 1:30. I know I said I was down to two guys, but P. is out of town on business and S. is available and good. Long lunch without food and really good sex, then back to work…working until 10pm.

Wednesday started again at 5am. – C. Finally woke up and said good morning around 9…made it clear I was on my own on Thursday and acknowledged that I have a busy couple of days…good luck with that…I busted ass all day and night Wednesday and Thursday. Occasionally getting texts from C. about nothing and some cool supportive texts from P. – still out of town. – Side note: Why do men between 45 and 55 seem to have so much loss of sexual function and stamina? I think they could do better if they had more sex, ate right, exercised more, and had the mental attitude of I will not deteriorate just because I’m getting older. Now P. has no issues but he also bicycles everywhere every day and does yoga, so he is in amazing shape – but most guys in the age range are just sliding down hill and “recovering” from sexless marriages…Let’s start a movement of some kind…make a program for guys of that age bracket that gets them moving, meditating and thinking – and teaches them sex can be a multi-hour, multi-orgasmic thing for both parties…Have to think of a name for it.

So here it is Friday…I still have to do my end of the month stuff for work. My house looks like refugees have moved in and I need to sort and put away all the rest of the crap from the other house. My body hurts – I jumped in and helped the movers move shit…they were taking too long…and time is money and I was paying by the fucking hour so I worked as fast if not faster than these guys 20 years younger than me…while playing Metallica and the Stones – which surprisingly enough they didn’t really know but like now…along with ZZ Ward.

P. has invited me to visit a nudist colony with him. Great. I may be a nudist at home… and at other people’s homes, but do I really want to be a nudist everywhere?? I doubt it. I will probably go – because P. pushes my envelope and it’s good for me…but I will not be moving to a nudist colony. At his moment I never want to move ever again (it’s so much fucking work and chaos). Of course, this is the guy who rents out his house and lives above his own garage and is planning on buying an RV to live in (I will not be having sex in your RV P. – been there, done that…the thrill is gone). He still wants to create wealth, be a good Jew, but yet be adventurous and reduce his carbon footprint. He just hiked through Alaska…and is running multiple businesses…but makes sex a priority (good man!).

I’m supposed to go to a ballgame tomorrow night with C., but for the next 30 hours it will be work, work, work. – C. definitely has his good qualities…he does a lot of volunteer and charity work – I respect that. I’m on board with that. He reads the same books as I do…Chopra, Dyer, Robbins, etc. so we are on the same “spiritual evolution” page. He just runs hot and cold and has jealousy issues and apparently can’t be counted on for being on the same physical/sexual page. I’m supposed to spend a couple days with him on a boat next week for the 4th…we will see how that goes. Why does he only like his own dog? Why does he run hot and cold? I like relationships to be honest and easy…he seems to be making it harder than it has to be. He says he likes my honesty – but then he also gets uncomfortable from it. I rescheduled P. for him next week…Sorry P., I will make it up to you.

Sunday I will have a moment to think.

Moving at the speed of light…

Tags

Dating, relationships

We’ve all heard it – you become the people you surround yourself with.

 
This week I have done some housecleaning – people wise. Not to say that I haven’t learned or grown through interactions…I have. I always do.

 
Life is short, so your focus needs to be laser sharp if you’re going to accomplish much I think.

 
The last few months have been…interesting…and important. My re-entry into the dating world and new relationships was necessary of course, but I never do anything “small” – so the way I did it was actually to be expected. I won’t say how many people I was juggling…if I told you, I’d have to kill you – LOL (said in my James Bond voice).

 
I am thankful for each bright and shiny “object” that has come my way (said in a totally joking way!), each quick relationship, and a few comets. (A comet is someone who captures your attention for a moment in an extremely intense, often passionate way, then the attraction/interaction fizzles rather quickly like the remnants of a firework after explosion.)

 
After sweeping away all the comet dust, I have left 2 very wonderful guys and a flirtation (to keep things hot). Being “ethically non-monogamous”, they of course know about each other. One guy is poly, so he gets it. The other guy is not, so I/we have to guide him how through effectively managing jealousy. This feels very comfortable for settling into the next weeks and months…maybe years. Each one brings completely different things to the table, yet both challenge me in a very positive way. No obsessing or interacting on a serious level with emotionally unavailable people, no unequal levels of reciprocated interest, no desperation or neediness on either person’s part…It feels good. It feels…very “adult-like”. They both live on an island…the same island (how weird is that?!), so not being just down the street, I can maintain my level of autonomy – run my business and schedule face time with ferry schedules and drive times in mind. I’m happy with this. They appear to be happy – win/win/win!

 
After meditating this morning, while doing my yoga I came up with these affirmations:

I joyfully travel for fun and inspiration.
I have an unlimited supply of wealth and abundance that enables me to create a life where I have the freedom to do what I want to.
I am in perfect health.
I live in joy, harmony and good energy.
I have enough abundance, energy and good health to lovingly share and do things to improve the lives of those I encounter.
I willingly accept all the good things I manifest for myself.

All that being said, perhaps I am done whining, crying and otherwise feeling sorry for myself? I will probably still have moments…but perhaps fewer and farther apart?

 
This morning I have some clarity. I feel I have a direction – for my business, for my writing, for the future – and that feels good. (I better write notes down real quick before I forget or I might be directionless again tomorrow!! Business – kick ass, take names, get shit done, get 100% out of debt… Writing – write the damn book already – who cares – maybe write two…Future – loving and caring relationships with great sex, joy, travel, ease, comfort, never stop growing and be grateful for each second of it).

…Namaste

 

I want

Me remplir avec toi
l’essence de votre âme
Essayer de se séparer
Qu’est-ce qui est réel ou imaginaire
Le désir est profond
Il doesn’t tousous appartiennent etu
Ce n’est pas tout à toi
dissimulation dans mon manteau privé
Je tu chuchote ces nothings

 

Lost in abandon

Playing with fire

We play anyway

No matter what we say

Love lust or desire

Full on stare

I can see

Your eyes on me

Making me bare

Fiery gaze

Driven by need

Cannot heed

Body ablaze 

Ropes intertwined

Time you bide

Cross-crossed and tied

fastened like vine

Lost in these sheets

Damp with desire 

Stoking our fire

Intersecting souls meet

Shudders of delight

Mind numbing bliss 

Voice raspy hiss

Holding tight

Awake and alive 

Forced red flush

Making cheeks blush

Beginning to thrive 

Domination or dominion

total and complete

No missing a beat

Without opinion

Emotional carnage

Sensual pain  

With Casual disdain

And Carnal knowledge 

Tears of joy and pain 

orgasmic beauty

With no immediate duty 

To release you again

Don’t move an inch

Lost in embrace

More demons to face

Dare not flinch

with such a gift

Undone inside out

Full rise shout

Dullness no longer to lift

***********

Je suis perdu en toi
Alors quoi, jouons-nous à la roulette du cœur?
La maison gagne toujours
Putain sur une chaise, tes mains tirant mes cheveux
Je suis perdu en toi

 

 

Random Thoughts…

So many thoughts and topics are swirling through my head today…
First of all…a fellow Real Estate Broker, whom I know and who is a very sweet person was brutally attacked. This has me shocked near speechlessness. Lance is 6 feet tall and not a small man. He was attacked while holding an open house by 3 men for no apparent reason. He was hit from behind with a lamp, then beaten, kicked in the face repeatedly, chased, punched, made to get on his knees (who knows what they were thinking with that…), he managed to get away and run down the street. 10 Staples, 7 stiches and a broken cheekbone later – he is alive. I’ve heard these (often fatal) horror stories many times over the course of my career. To have it happen to someone I know and someone who is such a kind and caring soul, wonderful husband and father is just beyond me…They didn’t even try to rob him. They didn’t know him…I just don’t understand.

I know my job is not without danger. I have had my brushes with it, but I walk in my protective bubble of white light and love…certain that it is protection enough…and have talked my way through some really bizarre happenings in the past – but I give in…I will resume my daily carry – even in my bubble. My kids have nagged me the last few years and they are right. I’ve also had a bit of a stalker-ish situation lately making me on guard…so word to the wise – This “bitch” will be packing and I won’t think twice.

Second thing on my mind…Whenever I decide to do something, I dive in. Total commitment to the thing I decided to do… now I need to slow my roll. The “poly-ish” dating thing is momentarily out of hand. I need to trim the roster and get more clear…I haven’t even had time to log into the dating app lately…I’m just juggling. It’s no bueno. I’m too nice. I need to take my own advice and just spare the bullshit.

I’ve had some other “adventures” lately as well. I have learned it is not in my nature to be a FemDom. Did I just hear a collective sigh of relief? Or was that giggling? I tried…sorry. I did my best impersonation, complete with full research and planning – but “Nope” I’m done…tapping out…Again – cuttin’ the roster.

Next thing…It’s the 20th. I have 10 days to finish moving my stuff. Granted, I moved out of the old house January 15th and you would think I would be done. I’m not…In my defense, I have had my hands full… Caring for grandma in her final months, trying to figure out which end is up emotionally because apparently I have these “feelings” that need to pop up and be dealt with to be a less broken version of myself (even after a year of dealing with this shit), I’ve been trying to sell furniture from the old house to not bring old energy into a new space…I’ve been working (which is most definitely a needed!) plus every time I go to the old house to try and deal with stuff, my brain turns to mush and I can’t get out of my own way. I forget what I “needed” to bring home or wanted to sort through and dispose of and I end up walking in circles jamming random pieces of bullshit into a tote bag – then I have to leave. Lots of unproductive trips! I just have to put my big girl pants on and just deal with it – as if it’s someone else’s crap…sort and handle!

I know once it’s done, I will feel a sense of relief. And I will be able to focus on fun!
Look what I saw yesterday…

I need more beach time. I need to renew my passport and go…somewhere…at this moment I can’t even go to Canada for poutine 😔

This is the Tacoma Narrows Bridge…

Every time I drive on it I have the urge to stop and take a photo (Of course you can’t…it’s a highway and you’d probably get arrested or hit by a car) – it’s so pretty when you’re on it.

Okay…carry on with whatever you were doing before I so rudely interrupted.

Perfectly Imperfect

I’m reading Gloria Steinem’s book, “My Life on the Road”. I bought it on the anniversary of my mom’s death and just shortly after my 95-year-old grandma’s passing a few weeks ago. I cared for Grandma the last year and a half because momma wasn’t here to do it. When I was a child, my mom got Ms. Magazine. I couldn’t wait for it to arrive each month because somewhere in each issue was a story for kids, called “Free to be You and Me”. I would carefully cut the pages out and put them in my 3-ring binder where I collected them and re-read them regularly. Those pages were a reminder of a few things…1) I could be anything, do anything 2) How ever I “was”, was okay and 3) my momma was a secret badass.

This is the first book I have read of hers (Gloria Steinem). I guess I have always veered away from her work because in some way she belonged to my mom, not to me. (I know that makes no sense). My mom, being a “Southern” woman and us living in the South, appeared like the other women…passive, demure, self-sacrificing, polite… but inside a revolution was trying to take place. She did as she was told. Except when she didn’t. I would see her badass spirit in flashes…like the day she told someone off at the public pool for saying a discriminatory comment about a black woman who was there to enjoy the facilities and she ended up bringing the woman back to our apartment where they spent the afternoon talking and laughing while her kids played with my brother and me (they became good friends).

Usually she just smiled at folks, acted sweet and subservient and let them think they were making her do something – while she did as she pleased. Then I would see her break down and cry in her room and she would tell me she wished she was better…more…smarter. I would play with her long, long hair and tell her I loved her more than anyone.

One of her most powerful displays of her badass-ness I witnessed at an International House of Pancakes in Nashville Tennessee when I was 8. We had gone to the airport to pick up a family friend who had flown in from Los Angeles to visit us on our very rural Appalachian farm. We had to pick her up in the middle of the night. So – what do you do in the middle of the night? Yes, you go for pancakes before the 4 ½ drive home! We were waiting for our food – my mom, my dad, the friend and me. A few tables away there was an intense discussion between two men and a distraught woman. My mom was listening in and getting restless, so I perked up my ears to see what was going on…I heard “You will go with him if I say to go with him” and the man speaking grabbed the woman by the hair and smashed her head into the table. No one in the restaurant responded – except my 5’2”, 130 lb. momma. She was up, out of her seat and over there so fast! I heard her say “Excuse me…I believe this woman said she didn’t want to go with him.” The large man was not pleased…He basically told her to mind her business and go back to her seat. Now about this time, the manager of the IHOP was getting nervous. My mom proceeded to tell the woman she had the right to do as she pleased and if she did not want to go anywhere with this man, or either of them for that matter then we would drive her anywhere she wanted to go. This of course angered the men and they stood up. Mom snatched up a butter knife (what was she going to do with that?! – LOL) and waving it at the big man demanded he turn loose of the woman. My dad finally got up and the friend and I joined him, as the manager tried to usher all of us to the door. The manager saying, “Ma’am you’re going to need to leave – we can’t have this kind of trouble.” The manager actually looked at my dad with an expression of “make her stop and behave”! My mom took the woman by the hand and said to her “You have rights and he’s not respecting them – this is a free country” and started leading her to our car. The moment we and the woman, and the two pissed off men were outside, the manager locked the restaurant door. My dad just started opening car doors – not quite sure what to do with himself. I saw the restaurant patrons all pressed up against the windows staring at the scene that was unfolding while the manager was on the phone undoubtedly calling the police. Mom – butter knife still in hand – told the men to “Back the fuck up and leave her be”. She had fire in her eyes and fierce determination. The men were just in shock and actually did step back. Mom deposited the woman in our car and we all piled in and drove off. My mom started asking her “Where do you live?”, “Where do you want to go?”, “Are you okay?” The woman was mostly incoherent at this point, saying my mom didn’t understand and there was no place to go. My mom told her “You can go anywhere you want to.” After an hour or so of driving toward our home, the woman decided she wanted to be dropped off at the next gas station. She and my mom hugged good-bye. I don’t know where she went or what happened to her, but I knew my mom was a super strong woman. After dropping her off, my dad spent the rest of the drive home telling her how stupid that was and how dangerous it was and how she risked getting us all hurt and how she needed to mind her own business that she didn’t know that woman or that situation and that was a pimp – she could have been on drugs or something…and it was lucky for her they didn’t pull out a gun. My mom was just quiet, with an occasional “you’re right, I’m sorry”. The family friend squeezed my hand and asked them if she could keep the butter knife as a souvenir of her trip.

Actually, in retrospect, Grandma might have been a little bit of a badass too.  She ran her house firmly but with a smile and pie. Lots of pie. She worked tirelessly and “did” for her husband, like Southern women did then-  but she didn’t take any crap and said exactly what was on her mind…even if it hurt your feelings (she just consoled you with pie). She shared with me once that in the 1940’s she was required to wear stockings at work (Grandpa was gone in the war). She didn’t think anyone should tell her what she would or would not wear, so she drew a line up the back of her leg and went without them!

If my mom was still alive, she would be reading this book, so I will read it for her. I saw her fight the internal struggle of who she knew she could be, had a right to be, and who she was forced to be by society, life and the people in her life. It still shocks me that the spirited woman I witnessed that day ended up where she did. I know she had to see it happening…the gradual erosion of her spirit, the fight being drained from her one breath at a time…by the time she died 20 short years later at the hands of an abusive man she thought loved her and she thought she needed the love of, she was just a sliver of the woman I knew in my childhood.

I would have loved for my daughters to have known the woman she could have been – should have been allowed to be. She was a gifted writer and artist, very sensitive and a lot more fragile than I really knew. She used to shield me with her body from a very angry and out of control father – in my eyes she was very strong. I’ve spent more than half my life “conforming”-  in part I think because I was conflicted about the conflict I saw in my mom. Trying to live up to the ideals imposed by society, be the “perfect” wife – the “perfect” mother. All I ever really need to be the “perfect” me…completely… with all my flaws, inconsistencies and imperfection.

Liebster Award

Tags

Liebster Award, relationships, self awareness

I’m honored to have been nominated for The Liebster Award. Thank you so much DM, author of Pointless Overthinking for thinking my blog is worthy of nomination! That means a lot! This is a great way to discover new blogs…be sure and check out the ones listed in this post!

The Rules

1. Acknowledge the person who nominated you.
2. Answer the 11 questions asked.
3. Share 11 random facts about yourself.
4. Nominate 5-11 bloggers.
5. Ask the nominated bloggers 11 questions.

 

The 11 Questions

1. If you could sell years from your life with ten thousand dollars each, you many years would you sell and why?

Well, although I like the idea of just erasing some bad years and getting money for them, I would have to say I couldn’t. Every horrific and truly shitty thing in life is a learning experience and part of the journey that makes us who we turn out to be. So every year is priceless.

2. If you have all the money from the world, how would a perfect day look for you?

That’s a really hard question…it’s tempting to talk about relaxing or travel or splurging on people I love, but really I would be thankful not to have to worry about paying the bills and be able to focus on how I could make the world a better place. So, my “perfect day” would be a day of service to humanity in some form or another. Of course unlimited money would allow me to make a bigger impact, so I’d be out there doing something really big…not just one day, but every day. Who knows – give me enough days, maybe I could create world peace? LOL

3. What is your biggest flaw?

Well…I have quite a few…I guess the biggest would be self-doubt or self-limiting beliefs. I’m a work in progress…still…

4. What is your happiest memory?

I have so many happy memories – the birth of each of my children, watching their accomplishments, being in love, being in sync with the Universe…it’s hard to choose just one. There is no one “happiest” memory. I feel happiest when I do yoga on or near the beach – I smell the ocean and feel the salty breeze, while my mind is empty and open and everything I see is pure love and beauty.

5. If you could go back in time and change one thing about your past, what would you change and why?

One change would change everything. I have many regrets, but again – they make me who I am…which is whom I’m meant to be. So – no changes. I just hope I make really happy, joyful, fun choices in the next life 😊 (and maybe the rest of this one…)

6. If you would try to describe yourself with only a sentence, what would that be?

“She’s got superpower eyes and see-through superhuman vision with superhuman thighs sexier than television.” – Just kidding…That’s from a song called Super Sexy by Sufjan Stevens

I would say “Adrienne is a kind, compassionate, hard-working, cheerful person who always does her best and attempts to live authentically in honesty, unconditional love and non-judgement.” (and yes I prefer third person in this instance!)

 

7. How many friends do you think you have and why do you consider those people to be friends?

I treat everyone I meet like a “friend”. I see the spark of the divine in everyone. (I know that sounds like bullshit – but I swear it’s not). I have friends I’ve known for 20, 30 and 40 years, and friends I’ve known a month…Probably a dozen I know would show up without my asking or do something if they knew I was in need. I’m blessed for sure. I think friendships are formed through open communication and non-judgement – your ability to connect with and accept who someone really is…on a deep level and see the value in who they are. So I don’t know for sure how many friends I have…if I “see” you – your soul, then we are friends…we are both the divine.

8. What is the most unique thing about you?

Everyone is unique, so I’m not uniquely unique…my particular cellular/dna/personality compilation has some quirks…I don’t like to wear shoes so about 80% of the time I don’t, I have a tendency to find humor in odd things and I have little or no filter (which is not always a good thing).

9. In your opinion, which being on this Earth is the most interesting and why?

Well, many very interesting people are dead already and not on this Earth…so that counts them out! I find different interesting people all the time, so I don’t have just one…Today a current most interesting fave is Jay Shetty because he is trying to make the world a better place through “viral wisdom”…meeting people where they are.. (Thank you for your post about him DM)

10. Imagine you have the power to create anything, what is the first thing you would create and why?

I would create something to deal with time…stop it, manipulate it, create more of it, reverse it. Given enough time, I could do some really amazing positive shit.

11. Imagine you could erase anything in this world, what would you erase and why?

Gosh, my first instinct was suffering. But if you take away suffering, do you also take away joy? Can we erase hate? Hate would be my answer.

 

The 11 Random Facts

11 random facts about Undomesticated Bitch…

1. I say the “F” word too much
2. I use the “…” in my writing too much, but it’s the way I “sound”
3. I have 1 main business that I have had for 33 years, but I always have several businesses at any given time.
4. I was a high school drop out (womp womp)
5. I work really long hours…by choice
6. I always expect the best of people and it always shocks me when someone doesn’t try to give their best.
7. I have fibromyalgia.
8. I appreciate the “finer” things in life…a lot – but am never shy about giving away stuff or walking away from my stuff – because it’s just stuff. I can get more.
9. I look for inspiration everywhere and share it always.
10. I love cheese…and roses
11. I am consistently curious and often amazed

The Nominations (Discover new blogs…these folks are great!)

The Random Blog of Irreverent Thoughts

Trying to do it ALL

Stillsearchingforprincecharming

Life is too short just lick the spoon

Sincerely Sassy

Mark Ankucic

In10se

The Renegade Press

 

My 11 Questions for my Nominees:

1. Who are/were the 5 most influential people in your life and why?
2. Where do you find inspiration?
3. What brings you no holds barred – unadulterated JOY?
4. If you could go back in history and be friends with someone famous from another place or time, who would it be and why?
5. Other than writing, how do you like to spend your free time?
6. What event in your life caused the most personal growth?
7. What do you see outside your window when you wake up in the morning?
8. What is your favorite time of day and why?
9. What do you wish you could do in life that you haven’t? And what’s stopping you?
10. If you could change one thing in your life for the better, what would that be?
11. What was your last act of random kindness?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Moment of Missing…

Last Love Poem For You

 
You came along with promises and visions of a beautiful life, weaving yourself in…to my world. Big ideas. Happy dreams. You made me love you with love you showered on me and with that unmistakable grin.

 
You made me feel sexy and valued… and lovable and loved. You made me feel. Sweeping me up in your dreams and your arms. Loving, protecting, encouraging… making it easy. Easy to be loved. Easy to love you back. Easy to make a life. Easy to be me… with you. And real.

 
Red hair, green eyes with your hair trying to curl in an unruly way. I sometimes saw a glimpse of the small boy you used to be long ago before we were “we” – makes me think. I saw you walking on the beach enthralled in every shell. The sweet little boy who lost his world in the blink of an eye. I longed to comfort that sweet boy buried deep and shield him from the harshness of what was to follow, but it made the man who knew my every thought. Now it’s my turn to blink.

 
I hold your lifeless hand under the sheet they draped. I run my hands through your soft red hair again…for the last time. I want to scream “don’t leave” but you’re already gone. Before your time…and mine. I wasn’t ready to say good-bye. So much unfinished and so much more not even begun. The future gone. On the turn of a dime.

 
I press my body to yours…for the last time, right there on the floor. You’re already cold. No one to hold me or love rub me to sleep now or tell me all is well and not to worry. No one to be all of me with any more.

 
I will miss you forever. I will not stop loving you… even while you’re gone. I hear you in my head…calling me your “baby love”. Please don’t let that voice fade. It keeps me breathing in and out each night and day. While I’m alone.

 
You became a part of me. A part of me that is forever gone.

Being an Undomesticated Dumbass

Tags

BDSM, Dating, Kink, relationships

I have some things to sort out this morning…so please excuse me while I masturbate again (mentally that is). I’m not offended if you decide to move along to another blog for better reading today.

I just need to get a few things out there…

1. No woman my age or maybe any fucking grown person with half a fucking brain should stay up until 4am. Who the fuck do I think I am? I am not a college kid. As a matter of fact at that age it made me feel like shit too. So here it is 7am, running on 3 hours of sleep – feeling absolutely nauseous over-tired but I’m awake….the dog had to pee, the sun is shining, my toe hurts, I’m feeling “upset” in some way and just really fucking annoyed – so going back to sleep is not an option and I need to figure out why I’m upset.

2. I do not like shoes. I’m really fucking annoyed my toe hurts. I can’t think of anything I did to it except wear high heeled pointy boots all night and into the morning staying out way to fucking late. My costume required them and the “rules” of where I was required them. So this morning the sheet can’t even touch my toe without me being reminded of what a dumb ass I can be. And body paint ruined my perfectly lovely shellac manicure…now I’m upset about that too.

3. I move “in relationship” way to fucking fast and way too honestly. I connect with someone on some level and then “boom” go way too deep, way too fast. Like a naïve child I open myself completely, honestly, totally and without reservation….this has been a flaw of mine for as long as I can remember.

There are so many problems with this…one is people don’t believe you are authentically doing this but instead view it as it must be some sort of game, another is no one else seems to operate that way… I’m sure I could make a whole laundry list of why it’s bad but I’m too fucking tired after staying up so late. Someone recently said to me when I reflected out loud on this item “What’s the payoff for you?” I replied with “What do you mean “payoff” – there isn’t one that I’m looking for or that I see.” They told me a person never repeatedly does something unless there is a payoff for them in it somewhere. So help me out here – what the fuck is my “payoff”? The only thing I can even remotely think it might be is that by moving so fast, I speed up “relationship time”. Rather than investing years or decades, I end up getting there in months (or weeks?) so as to figure out why that relationship is one I don’t want to continue and move on faster, thereby saving myself a whole lot of precious time?

This creates a lot of “comet” relationships…they fly by burning brightly for a moment then fizzle and fade out just as quickly. Once in a while there is an exception – then I might stay in relationship too long (like the 24 year fucking marriage). In retrospect I have behaved this way since I was old enough to make friends in the sandbox – except when in long term relationships with people, which I do have those as well. I have friends that I’ve had for more than 30 years…so I don’t boot everyone out the door.
So to go a bit deeper… I was out all night to support a kink event, the local kink community, and to have fun. Am I pissy because I didn’t have enough fun? I’ll come back to that thought…

As a side note and some ray of sunshine to my morning ramblings, here is a link to a wonderful podcast about kink and approaching yours with kindness and love
http://kaleidoscoperadio.libsyn.com/kink-positive-therapy-with-galen-fous
I think it’s super important to treat others with compassion and loving-kindness and that everyone is entitled to a safe space to be themselves…hence my volunteering at the event. But next time, I need to be out by midnight even though they start late because I do not function well staying up all night. Maybe I should get on the planning committee and negotiate for them to start at 6pm instead of 9 or 10 pm to advocate for those in the community who are not 20 somethings…(I’ll put a pin in that thought).

So why didn’t I have as much fun as I had planned…other than being stuck in shoes and on my feet for way too many hours…I wasn’t a “guest” of the party as much as I was a “worker”? Even after my “shift” hosting I was still checking on those I had interacted with as a “host” making sure they were okay and having fun and not feeling or experiencing anything unpleasant…I didn’t meet anyone that I wanted a deeper connection with except a super cool woman who was taking the shift after me, so she was busy…the pervy partner (said with love and non-judgement) I came with was way too distracted with his own agenda to be any fun for me and I actually feel pissed off at him this morning for reasons I will try to dissect in a moment…I hadn’t eaten since breakfast – which I know is not good for me and can make me less than my most best self…there was way too much energy in such a contained space – as an energetic empath (different bog for another day), I feel too much of everyone else’s energy. I did forget to protect my energy before I went in. I was busy picking up my pervy pal, driving the wrong way up and down one way streets stressing because Lola (that’s what I call my nav system) was telling me wrong things and I hate driving downtown and I forgot to get gas before I got dressed for the event so I had to stop on the way in my kinky outfit with no credit card in a questionable part of town – I had to go in and pay and pump the gas with people staring – so I started the night in a semi-stressed state. Said pervy pal didn’t even give me the appropriate support about all that when he got in the car. But me, being the super chill chick filled with unconditional love, decided to just shake it off and start over…but still neglected to protect myself energetically because we had important kink business to sort through before the event.

Okay, so to learn from this…next time I will get gas and eat before an event, protect myself energetically, and have the intention of creating a space within my service of the event to specifically have more fun, and come home at a reasonable hour. (Side note – don’t bring whips as part of your outfit…just a pain in the ass to carry around – and not in a good way) I can release that part…

I will go barefoot all day and maybe take a closer look at why my toe hurts and it will feel better later today. I can release that part…(aren’t you relieved?!)

Now for item 3…I still don’t know for sure what my “payoff” would be except that maybe I do bypass months and years of invested time to more quickly get to a conclusion about a relationship. Is that really possible? Or am I fooling myself?

I’m feeling really pissed off at my pervy pal because I am seeing a pattern of selfishness I think. He was and is repeatedly selfish with his time – which is one of his most important love languages, therefore he isn’t showing me the appropriate amount of “love” which tells me he isn’t valuing me as much as he should. Me tolerating it, makes it “Okay” and it will continue. I also realized last night he is selfish in other ways. I give so freely of my unconditional love, honesty, energy…all of me that if another person doesn’t give freely back to me then I feel short changed and “pissed off”. I do believe it may be time to step back from this “relationship”, because selfish doesn’t change.

It doesn’t mean I won’t ever talk to him again. I still value what he brings to the table in the world, in relationships he creates and ways he interacts “on the whole” – I think he’s just not someone I want to be heavily invested in right now…he says the right things but the actions don’t match. Part of that is because non-monogamous or poly people DO really spread themselves too thin, but a large part I think is either selfishness or lack of valuing me as the extraordinary creature I am (and so humble about it…LOL). Because I have “sped up the relationship” he was able to speed up and go from where I wanted and needed him to be – which is/was “present with me when we are present together” to how he truly engages long term – which is more of a stance of giving bare minimum while being distracted by other bright shiny objects. When I think back, I did see this in him from the beginning…easily distracted by new, bright and shiny objects.

Before you jump to the conclusion that I’m jealous, let me clarify I am NOT. I even discussed with him before we arrived that I would be his “wing woman” – if he was interested in someone, let me know – I will help make the connection for him if it wasn’t happening organically the way he wanted – totally cool…you like someone, I encourage you to go for it. And by the same token, if I see the dom of my dreams or whatever…help me – encourage me…be my wing man!  – But when you are interacting with me (as a friend or more) – you must be in the moment with me…fully present for those minutes. I did see him manipulating me in some ways over the course of the night and morning…subtle but dishonest none-the-less. Too subtle to sit down and have a conversation over – but a red flag and a cause to step back when combined with the recurring selfishness observation – although he cloaks both with a veil of “I’m so honest”.

Ok – self check here…am I making love conditional? I’m thinking…”No” I can still love him unconditionally with his selfishness and manipulation and choose to withdraw or step back. I still love him – the spirit of him – I just will physically move in a different direction wishing him the very best in other relationships.  Besides I like steak. A lot. I’m tired of eating tofu with him. We had a good 3 ½ weeks – LOL!

As far as sorting out all the other instances of diving deep and fast in relationship and what the “payoff” might be…It occurs to me that maybe that is a way to assess if the person is some sort of longer term match? Energetically? Kink-wise? Growth-wise? I did realize recently that I have never found an appropriate real dom. I just get into relationship with someone (who is usually not dominate or even kinky for that matter!) and try to mold and shape them into the dom I want…there is a term for that – LOL! That is an introspection for a different day – I am way too fucking tired!

Okay…I feel better enough to have some breakfast and go back to bed. Remind me to kick my own ass again tomorrow for wasting a perfectly beautiful Sunday having to reschedule work appointments and sleep all day because I made bad choices! And sorry I’m too tired to care if it was good for you too. mwah

Surrendering to Myself

Mondays are my favorite yoga class. Yin yoga, with a wonderful teacher. In Yin Yoga, there is a surrender…it calms my mind like no other form of yoga. You observe what the body is holding, sit with it without judgement and allow the release of it. You surrender to yourself.

Yesterday, the strangest thing happened. During the opening meditation, my cheeks started getting wet. I had to keep wiping them off…I wasn’t thinking about anything…I was just listening to the teacher’s voice and being still and non-thinking in a mindful way. (Wow – non-thinking in a mindful way sounds deep…doesn’t it?! LOL)

I realized my face was wet with tears. “What the fuck?!” I thought. My eyes were leaking. I was quietly – not a sound – crying. This continued throughout the class. I fucking cried for 2 hours! It was bad. Scary. I was quiet – except for the occasional snotty sniff because my nose got full and grossly enough I had to keep wiping my nose with my shirt…I feel so sorry for the other people in my class. I will probably be dubbed “the crazy chick” from now on and they will all move their mats to the other side of the room next Monday night. (Yes, I know I say “fuck” way too often – deal with it). I haven’t shared with anyone there what my life is about. I’d like to think that they think I am just the powerfully positive woman they see regularly spreading love and sunshine everywhere she goes…my cover is blown.

I swear I wasn’t thinking about a thing (except occasionally how not to scare everyone in the room because of my leaking eyes). All I know is that I had had a thought about Robert before walking in (one of four hundred million)….I miss him. I will probably never stop missing him. And I’m really pissed off I can’t feel his presence here with me. I thought I was done grieving…neatly packed up all the loss and dealt with it in a healthy and positive way. Yet here I was with rivers of tears falling down my cheeks yet again.

Just the day before, (actually now that I think about it) it also happened. I was sharing with someone how every night for 6 years Robert had so unselfishly rubbed my back until I fell asleep. He knew I had trouble falling asleep – especially into a deep restful sleep – so he did this every night to put me to sleep before going to his own room to sleep. It was so kind and loving and unselfish. That was on a date – yes folks, she’s a fucking hoot on a date! In my defense, my date had asked me about something having to do with sleep and bedrooms and my not being willing to do “sleep overs” and how I feel sleeping is a “solo activity”. (Probably a blog for a different day). So, he got honesty.

How many tears does it take to get to the place of not grieving the life you lost? How many tears does it take to be done? (How many licks does it take to get to the center of a lollipop?) I so want to be done… Why can’t he come console me in spirit? I know it’s possible…the voice in my head responds with “That would only make it harder to let go”.

I usually cry ugly. I sob. My face gets red and puffy. It’s not pretty. And now again right now it’s just leaking eyes making my face wet. Maybe that’s another step… Interestingly enough, I now remember in the definition of “Yin” is wetness.

Undomesticated Unraveled

Tags

creating your life, positive direction, self awareness, sex

A completely unnecessary documenting of the evolution of my blog:
I got to thinking this morning about the history of my blogging and the name I have chosen – “Undomesticated Bitch” and thought I’d share.

 

I used to keep a journal. It was a way to vent, analyze, and perhaps document time. It was a way to say what was on my mind without bothering anyone else about it.

 

Then, a million years ago (or about 15 – you choose), my kids found MySpace. I joined to keep an eye on them – yes, I was one of “those” parents. On MySpace, I discovered blogs. So of course, I started one. At first, I was “The Domesticated Goddess”. I shared recipes (LOL) and tips for effectively managing a household and children and running a business all at the same time. If you wanted to know how to make the perfect corned beef while conducting a meeting at the same time, or how to fold a fitted sheet so your linen closet was perfection…I was the resource.

 

Then one day it changed. I started sharing the nitty gritty real details of what it was like to be me. My frustrations with TGIM (the guy I married), challenges of being a woman running a business in a male-dominated industry…shit got “real”. It evolved into “The Domesticated Bitch”. More and more in business I found men saying I was a bitch – I’ve never been a mean person…just assertive and honest. I figured if I claimed the word “bitch” it would take the power of the word away from those who wanted to use it against me. If I was a “bitch” (cuz I am fucking sweet as pie!) then that must be the word for strong woman who makes more money than you.

 

I wrote every day – hence the “Daily Bitch” of the “Domesticated Bitch”. I shared observations, struggles, frustrations, and the occasional too good not to share recipe. I developed a “following”. The readers felt I enhanced their experience in some small way of this thing we call “life” or who knows, maybe it was just their daily dose of harsh and honest reality because lets’ face it – a woman raising children and trying to juggle life and a business has a few things to say when she is unfiltered (and I can occasionally be funny). I talked about marriage, business, sex… After my writing had gotten “real” for a couple years and my followers grew, my kids got freaked out. They told me “people read what you write mom! Do you have to be so…so…YOU?!”

 

When the kids were in high school, the oldest came to me and said “Mom – seriously, this blogging thing of yours has to stop. Our friends read it, our teachers are even reading it. Please for the love of God – you have to stop.” This as I recall was prompted by something I wrote about disappointing it can be when one person doesn’t meet all your needs on every level and why isn’t open marriage a viable option…So I printed out all of my blog (I guess in case I ever needed to refer back to anything or because so many hours and days had gone into it…) and hit delete. Goodbye 15,936 followers. Goodbye daily observations and thoughts. You’re welcome my children.

 

A couple years later, I ran away from home (If I had continued my blog everyone would have seen it coming). I waited as long as I could…2 were in college, the baby was in her last year of high school – I was trying to wait until she was in college. But January 17th 2010 (forever now called Freedom Day) at 2am it all came to a head and I packed a brown grocery sack with the few clean clothes I could find in the laundry room and oh so quietly/scared shitless/last ditch try to save myself sort of way – drove away. I called my dad on my way down the road to report what I had done in case I turned up dead. I wanted someone on the planet to know that if I was found dead to thoroughly investigate the controlling, unstable (aka bat shit crazy) bi-polar husband who was obsessed with all the forensic murder shows and watched the same ones over and over. Seriously.

 

During the subsequent 2 year divorce, I started a new blog secretly. I dubbed it “Adventures of an Undomesticated Bitch”. It chronicled the ugliness of divorce and the re-finding of the “undomesticated” (wild, untamed) side of me I once knew as a girl…The me that used to climb trees and go sailing into the lake off a rope…used to love the “free falling” wild and reckless feeling…I was becoming “free” again and for sure a kind of reckless. I shared the rediscovering of the woman hiding in the “mom sweats” and her trying to define what life should look like as a full-grown woman without a husband. That blog was eventually deleted as well. If the kids had found it…well, let’s just say our relationship would be forever changed. This sharing was keeping me sane. It was unfiltered, and definitely not sugar coated. It was all the stuff I couldn’t/wasn’t allowed to say.

 

I’ve hidden pieces of me in various blogs ever since. I’m just now getting the courage to say “fuck it” and start pulling all the pieces of me back together into one place. And yes, I am an “Undomesticated Bitch”. My kids are adults now. If they find this blog, well then they will just have to deal with the fact their momma is a “real” and honest person and deal with it. She has thoughts, feelings and yes, she has sex.

 

I’m Okay…and other lies

Tags

creating your life, Dating, positive direction, self awareness

I listened to a Ted Talk this morning that really spoke to me on a deep level. Here is what I learned:

Growing up, I learned from the people around me that emotion was not okay. It was a manipulative tool. It had no value, therefore logic is what we should use – not emotion. I have always veered away from overly emotional people or situations…perhaps that’s why – since we are all here to learn, life/the Universe has always seemed to hand me really big shit to deal with – almost as if daring me not to feel emotion about it!

To wish you didn’t feel a certain way or to “make” feelings go away – or to emotionally disconnect – is to be dead. Dead people don’t feel stress, or broken heartedness. Emotions are the pathway to our best selves. Being “with your emotions” in curiosity, compassion and courage (to take correct steps) is to be fully alive.

Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life. We can’t experience a truly meaningful life or make the world a better place without fully opening our hearts to loss/regret/grief and other “tough” emotions. Tough emotions are part of our contract with life. Radical acceptance of our own sometimes tough and unpleasant emotion is the cornerstone to resilience, thriving and true happiness. The quality of how we process emotion affects how we show up in life – how we show up as parents, partners, and as a community. Emotion is a data source. The data is relevant and aids us in taking the correct next course of action. Life’s beauty is inseparable from its fragility.

I have always been “strong”…the master of being “okay”. In a culture of relentless positivity, it’s not socially acceptable to feel negative emotion. But it’s the negative emotion that can sometime cause positive change, so we need to acknowledge every emotion and discern its source – accept them and determine the accuracy of them to take appropriate steps.

I do believe I have processed some of my emotions through writing (the ones that couldn’t just be dismissed), although I’m just now admitting it. The times when I couldn’t dismiss them or work them out in my writing, they did bring about huge changes in my life. The emotions catapulted me into action. Then of course I rationalized them and filed them appropriately with “reasons” why I took big action. I get it Universe…I have emotions and I will sit with them in courage and learn from them.

Being authentic is not just speaking honest words. It’s also about experiencing the emotions that cross your path. So I will continue to…Write what I feel – tell the truth – and write like no one is reading.

Emotionally yours,
Undomesticated B