Talking about sex openly and honestly is important.
If you are dating the same person repeatedly and it’s turning into a sexual relationship these conversations are very important for helping to determine if you are sexually compatible or there is only enough chemistry for a few sexual encounters. You may find the other person needs several open, honest conversations before they really feel comfortable enough to open up. You may even feel like you are stumbling over words a little at first too if you aren’t accustomed to these conversations. In order to have truly wonderful sex there should be a level of compatibility.
Everyone (or at least everyone in my world) has some sort of little kink. Kink is good. Kink is fun. But if they don’t match, they can be disastrous! One of my girlfriends, who has been married for about 20 years, is about to leave her husband over mismatched sexual natures (among other things). For her a good sexy night is wine and candles with soft music and sexy lingerie, with her partner telling her how beautiful and sexy she is while he gently makes soft love to her. His idea of a good sexy night is to bind her arms and legs, spank her, and fuck her hard from behind. They don’t match and there isn’t a middle ground that makes them happy. They can’t even talk about it without insulting each other’s wants, needs and preferences. Actually, if there weren’t so many other issues in their relationship that has made it gone south, I could have probably explained to him how to give her what she wants in a way that she would want to give him what he wants – but it’s a lost cause at this point. Once love and attraction has been replaced with hate, it’s too late.
The popular book “Fifty Shades of Grey” has actually helped bring some kink to the mainstream. I guess if it’s in a book you can get at the local Walmart type store then people feel it’s okay to open up a little, entertain some ideas about expanding their notions of what might be a turn on, and talk about sex a little more. I know the book opened the door for some people I know to start talking about sex with me who wouldn’t have otherwise. It also brought some aspects of BDSM (lite) out of the dark corners and into the light and minds of people who might have spent their entire lives thinking only vanilla thoughts.
I think it’s important to maintain an attitude of non-judgment when it comes to sex and conversations about it. That includes being mindful to not judge yourself over what turns you on or doesn’t. I think it’s also important to keep an open mind. Maybe you didn’t know you liked sushi until you tried it… with an open mind… and then found which combinations of things you liked in your sushi. Maybe you don’t think you like some sexual act, but when presented in the proper way you may find you very much enjoy that particular act. There is no right or wrong between mutually respectful consenting adults. ”Mutually respectful” is of course key! You can’t foist your kink on someone but they may come to appreciate it especially if they derive pleasure from seeing, hearing and experiencing your pleasure. If something really genuinely goes against your sensibilities no matter how open minded you’ve tried to be about it, then is there a way for your partner to have what they want with your support but without your direct participation? Figure out a solution if it’s the only problem.
For instance…from the previous relationship example, one person wants bondage and their partner doesn’t like it at all and feels raped when bound. With good communication there are so many ways to try and resolve the issue! Firstly determining the level and amount he (in this example) thinks he wants/needs, how much if any is tolerable to the other party…is any type of binding acceptable for some period of time? Maybe incorporated on an occasional basis with her more fairy tale type fantasy? Maybe she is some sort of beautiful princess kidnapped and “taken” by a pirate who binds her with something soft and silky while telling her she is so sexy he can’t stand it and has to have her, and after teasing her to a point of arousal releases her because she has “succumbed” and now wants him too? Or can he please her to a point where she release her inhibitions and feels comfortable exploring variations of bondage with him? Or meet her needs well enough to make her want to try and meet his playfully like dressing in a sexy bondage type outfit for him and poses in bound ways as part of inviting him to feel aroused and have sex? Communication (combined with regularly providing outstanding orgasms) can help people find a solution (and a desire to find one) that works for both parties.
I like my steak medium rare. My partner does not. We both like steak, we just like it different ways. Sometimes I can appreciate the steak even if it’s cooked his way although it’s not my preference. He cannot appreciate steak my way – it grosses him out, but he knows how I like it and cooks it for me that way anyway – even if he doesn’t want to eat it, he wants to give it me the way I prefer it – which I appreciate. I won’t force him to eat a steak my way because he truly does not like it. We are mutually respectful. Kink is the same way to a degree. Your kinks don’t have to be the same, you have to figure out how to meet each person’s wants/needs/preferences without making someone eat a bloody steak that grosses them out. By the same token, if your kinks (or lack thereof) are completely incompatible, it’s like a steak eater cooking and dining with a vegetarian…can your worlds coexist enough for your to thrive or not? Better to figure that out fairly early in a dating relationship…before marriage, kids, and joint assets.
Maybe you’re both very vanilla – that’s okay too. You don’t have to have kink to have great sex, but communication is still key! If you just can’t wrap your head around some kink that is important to your partner and you care about them enough to continue the relationship, consider supporting it in a different way. Not judging, not criticizing… perhaps encourage them to have their kink in fantasy during masturbation and find ways to be helpful, supportive, and respectful.
I do believe there is some lack of understanding of some kinks, particularly if you’ve always had vanilla sex. One common misunderstanding I come across when talking about this with other women is BDSM. In real life (vs in fiction) it seems that women with a high degree of power in their careers or life have a tendency toward this kink. I see most often they are on the receiving end or in the perceived “weak” position. I think there is a desire to release control – or perceived control, yet surprisingly enough the perceived “weak” position is actually the position of control because they are allowing and controlling the extent/length/intensity to a degree. It would be interesting to me for readers to share their thoughts on this or any other kink observation they may have.
I notice I have made many references to food in this blog post. I must be hungry – LOL! My apologies if you now want sushi or steak!
Any way – expand your mind, be playful, find new ways to interact sensually and sexually with your chosen sex partner, go to the sex shop, spice things up today…and tomorrow and the next…
I think it’s important to keep sex alive and encourage playfulness. If I want to drive my partner crazy (in a good way), I have been known to do all sorts of things…some ideas include:
- Sending texts in a playful way telling them about some sex act you’re thinking about and indicating you can’t wait to see them.
- Telling him you are going to play with yourself because you want him (this usually leads to requests for pictures or him coming to your place immediately).
- Showing up somewhere he doesn’t expect…naked, followed by the words “Fuck me” (Note – this does not have to be somewhere outside the house…unless you want it to be).
- Cook a meal in nothing but an apron.
- Tell your partner what you’re going to do to them later or at a specific time. The anticipation is a huge turn on.
- Surprise your partner with a new toy and/or preparing a room for sex unexpectedly in a special way
Use your imagination and find some ways to fan the flame of desire and go have some great sex tonight! Feel free to share your ideas – I love coming up with new stuff!