To F*ck…or not to F*ck…that is the question

Tags

casual sex, Dating, Great sex, sex, sexual confidence

Deciding whether or not to have sex with someone on a date can be a tricky thing.

Based on my past experiences, I want to say to tell yourself to wait until the 3^rd date or later…but really it’s up to you, your mood, the chemistry, etc. and you shouldn’t feel pressure one way or another. Have something ready to say if your feel the pressure but don’t feel the desire. I learned the sentence beginning with “My personal policy is….” (Fill in the blank) to wait until I know someone better, or whatever your new policy is at that moment in time, works great. Just prepare yourself ahead of time because it’s not always easy to think of how to handle it when it’s right there – staring you in the face. Especially if you are out of dating practice.

I was always concerned about hurting the other person’s feelings…until I made some mistakes and toughened up. But then again, you do learn pretty quickly from having sex with someone if they are worth another date. I guess it would depend on the purpose of your dating. I had sex with one guy because he hadn’t dated since his wife died. He was a nice guy. It was “charity” sex. I decided to boost his ego and give him back some of his self-confidence. I knew already I didn’t want to see him again but thought what the heck. He wasn’t a good lay either. I let him down easy and made excuses about not being clear on what I really wanted in a relationship at that moment in time – which wasn’t entirely an untruth. I really wasn’t clear yet on my actual dating objectives.

Another guy I slept with right away I thought had potential (Note – never a good idea…I married someone because I thought they had “potential” – bad, bad idea!). He was shocked when I broke it off the next day and actually got quite angry and aggressive…he thought our 4 hour roll in the hay meant some sort of “ownership rights” of my person I guess. I was trying to be nice but when he wouldn’t let it go and was shocked I didn’t think he was a God because we had sex for so many hours, I finally told him a stiff cock and a willingness to use it didn’t necessarily equate to good sex. I’m not 100% sure what he had to say in response, because it was in a foreign language…but I’m pretty sure I was able to properly translate the words “crazy whore”.

Pity sex…different from charity sex…never again. I won’t bore you with all the gory details, but trust me – don’t do it. A man who you feel pity for needs to spend time with his own hand before venturing back out into the real world with real people.

If you are dating to find a “real” relationship, go slow. Make sure you match up on enough levels to make it worth the try. If you are dating just to have fun and pass the time, then it’s a case by case decision. Whatever you do – keep yourself in check. Dinner, dancing, sex does not mean you should start making up a future life in your head and picking a china pattern! Slow your roll and appreciate it for whatever it is…right now…at this moment.

If you are “dating” for a “fuckbuddy” relationship, you need to be clear about that from the first moment. I also recommend talking about sex a lot before meeting for the purpose of sex. Even then you may have to “sift some sand” before you find the right one for that role. One guy I interacted with over the course of a long time talked a good game, but when it came down to it was the most boring fuck ever. Then he had the nerve to say “that was pretty good for vanilla sex”. I moved on quickly from him.

One night stands are okay if that is what you want. No strings, no obligation, no awkward interactions later…down and dirty sex with a stranger, who shall remain one – by your choice.  I do believe most women aren’t built for that…we tend to want to “know” someone or “feel some kind of connection”. If you do decide to have a one night stand, either purposefully or accidentally, don’t kick your own ass over it. It’s done – move on. And for goodness sake don’t let them guilt you into thinking there is obligation for another evening. Be very honest…say “Thank you for the one night stand” or “Thank you for fucking my brains out – I needed that – have a nice life”.

 A fuckbuddy is someone with whom you are sexually compatible, can have sex with whenever you are in the mood and both available, no strings, no awkward “morning afters”, no explanations…just good sex when you need it with someone you have already had sex with and you know enough of their good moves to keep you coming back. It’s a beautiful thing. But again, most women aren’t built for that…so if you’re not, don’t do it. It was so completely perfect for me during one stage in my life. I worked 12-15 hours a day, didn’t have the time or emotional energy for a “relationship” and all that word implies…and it was just wonderful, blissfully fulfilling sex as many times a week as I needed it. I would still have him today (or someone just like him) had I not accidentally gotten into a real relationship with someone else. I had to break it off and see where this accidental relationship was going because he wasn’t really on board with me having a fuck buddy on the side.

If you are going to date multiple people for multiple purposes, it requires you compartmentalize your feelings. This works for some of us. For others it does not. If it doesn’t work for you…then don’t do it. I also recommend if you are dating multiple people, be honest about it. I scared off a few men with my honesty, but that’s okay – they probably weren’t right for me anyway. The one that didn’t get scared off but laughed and asked questions instead, is the one I’m still with 4 years later. He also meets my needs on all levels so I no longer need an assortment of people for different things (companionship, fun, mental challenge, hot sex, etc.). He showed up when I became very clear on what I wanted in a partner “some day” and stopped searching for it.

One thing I’m very sure of is don’t have sex with someone out of some misguided feeling of obligation to because they went on a date with you, or bought dinner, or whatever…if you decide to have sex it’s for you. Own it. Tell yourself – yes I am entitled to have sex if I want it. No guilt. No remorse. Buy your own damn dinner. Maybe even buy his.

I have opinions about married sex too (surprise). I will probably address that in a future blog post.

Fifty Shades of Communication

Tags

BDSM, Great sex, sexual confidence

Talking about sex openly and honestly is important.

If you are dating the same person repeatedly and it’s turning into a sexual relationship these conversations are very important for helping to determine if you are sexually compatible or there is only enough chemistry for a few sexual encounters.  You may find the other person needs several open, honest conversations before they really feel comfortable enough to open up. You may even feel like you are stumbling over words a little at first too if you aren’t accustomed to these conversations. In order to have truly wonderful sex there should be a level of compatibility.

Everyone (or at least everyone in my world) has some sort of little kink. Kink is good. Kink is fun. But if they don’t match, they can be disastrous! One of my girlfriends, who has been married for about 20 years, is about to leave her husband over mismatched sexual natures (among other things). For her a good sexy night is wine and candles with soft music and sexy lingerie, with her partner telling her how beautiful and sexy she is while he gently makes soft love to her. His idea of a good sexy night is to bind her arms and legs, spank her, and fuck her hard from behind. They don’t match and there isn’t a middle ground that makes them happy. They can’t even talk about it without insulting each other’s wants, needs and preferences. Actually, if there weren’t so many other issues in their relationship that has made it gone south, I could have probably explained to him how to give her what she wants in a way that she would want to give him what he wants – but it’s a lost cause at this point. Once love and attraction has been replaced with hate, it’s too late.

The popular book “Fifty Shades of Grey” has actually helped bring some kink to the mainstream. I guess if it’s in a book you can get at the local Walmart type store then people feel it’s okay to open up a little, entertain some ideas about expanding their notions of what might be a turn on, and talk about sex a little more. I know the book opened the door for some people I know to start talking about sex with me who wouldn’t have otherwise. It also brought some aspects of BDSM (lite) out of the dark corners and into the light and minds of people who might have spent their entire lives thinking only vanilla thoughts.

I think it’s important to maintain an attitude of non-judgment when it comes to sex and conversations about it. That includes being mindful to not judge yourself over what turns you on or doesn’t. I think it’s also important to keep an open mind. Maybe you didn’t know you liked sushi until you tried it… with an open mind… and then found which combinations of things you liked in your sushi. Maybe you don’t think you like some sexual act, but when presented in the proper way you may find you very much enjoy that particular act. There is no right or wrong between mutually respectful consenting adults. ”Mutually respectful” is of course key! You can’t foist your kink on someone but they may come to appreciate it especially if they derive pleasure from seeing, hearing and experiencing your pleasure. If something really genuinely goes against your sensibilities no matter how open minded you’ve tried to be about it, then is there a way for your partner to have what they want with your support but without your direct participation? Figure out a solution if it’s the only problem.

For instance…from the previous relationship example, one person wants bondage and their partner doesn’t like it at all and feels raped when bound. With good communication there are so many ways to try and resolve the issue! Firstly determining the level and amount he (in this example) thinks he wants/needs, how much if any is tolerable to the other party…is any type of binding acceptable for some period of time? Maybe incorporated on an occasional basis with her more fairy tale type fantasy? Maybe she is some sort of beautiful princess kidnapped and “taken” by a pirate who binds her with something soft and silky while telling her she is so sexy he can’t stand it and has to have her, and after teasing her to a point of arousal releases her because she has “succumbed” and now wants him too? Or can he please her to a point where she release her inhibitions and feels comfortable exploring variations of bondage with him? Or meet her needs well enough to make her want to try and meet his playfully like dressing in a sexy bondage type outfit for him and poses in bound ways as part of inviting him to feel aroused and have sex? Communication (combined with regularly providing outstanding orgasms) can help people find a solution (and a desire to find one) that works for both parties.

I like my steak medium rare. My partner does not. We both like steak, we just like it different ways. Sometimes I can appreciate the steak even if it’s cooked his way although it’s not my preference. He cannot appreciate steak my way – it grosses him out, but he knows how I like it and cooks it for me that way anyway – even if he doesn’t want to eat it, he wants to give it me the way I prefer it – which I appreciate. I won’t force him to eat a steak my way because he truly does not like it. We are mutually respectful. Kink is the same way to a degree. Your kinks don’t have to be the same, you have to figure out how to meet each person’s wants/needs/preferences without making someone eat a bloody steak that grosses them out. By the same token, if your kinks (or lack thereof) are completely incompatible, it’s like a steak eater cooking and dining with a vegetarian…can your worlds coexist enough for your to thrive or not? Better to figure that out fairly early in a dating relationship…before marriage, kids, and joint assets.

Maybe you’re both very vanilla – that’s okay too. You don’t have to have kink to have great sex, but communication is still key! If you just can’t wrap your head around some kink that is important to your partner and you care about them enough to continue the relationship, consider supporting it in a different way. Not judging, not criticizing… perhaps encourage them to have their kink in fantasy during masturbation and find ways to be helpful, supportive, and respectful.

I do believe there is some lack of understanding of some kinks, particularly if you’ve always had vanilla sex. One common misunderstanding I come across when talking about this with other women is BDSM. In real life (vs in fiction) it seems that women with a high degree of power in their careers or life have a tendency toward this kink. I see most often they are on the receiving end or in the perceived “weak” position. I think there is a desire to release control – or perceived control, yet surprisingly enough the perceived “weak” position is actually the position of control because they are allowing and controlling the extent/length/intensity to a degree. It would be interesting to me for readers to share their thoughts on this or any other kink observation they may have.

I notice I have made many references to food in this blog post.  I must be hungry – LOL! My apologies if you now want sushi or steak!

Any way – expand your mind, be playful, find new ways to interact sensually and sexually with your chosen sex partner, go to the sex shop, spice things up today…and tomorrow and the next…

I think it’s important to keep sex alive and encourage playfulness. If I want to drive my partner crazy (in a good way), I have been known to do all sorts of things…some ideas include:

• Sending texts in a playful way telling them about some sex act you’re thinking about and indicating you can’t wait to see them.
• Telling him you are going to play with yourself because you want him (this usually leads to requests for pictures or him coming to your place immediately).
• Showing up somewhere he doesn’t expect…naked, followed by the words “Fuck me” (Note – this does not have to be somewhere outside the house…unless you want it to be).
• Cook a meal in nothing but an apron.
• Tell your partner what you’re going to do to them later or at a specific time. The anticipation is a huge turn on.
• Surprise your partner with a new toy and/or preparing a room for sex unexpectedly in a special way

Use your imagination and find some ways to fan the flame of desire and go have some great sex tonight! Feel free to share your ideas – I love coming up with new stuff!

Dating Refresher

Tags

Dating, relationships, rules for having a fuckbuddy

One of the biggest mistakes I see women make in the dating world is to put too much pressure on every encounter. For example, my friend N. goes on a date and in the back of her mind the whole time she’s thinking is this “the one”? Too much pressure. The point is to get out there, have fun, keep your intentions about what you want clear in your mind and don’t put forever into the mindset. Be “breezy”. Dating is like networking…the person you are going to dinner with may end up being a conduit to other connections…they have a whole other world they can connect you to where you might meet someone awesome. In my book you can never have too many friends or acquaintances. Every person knows other people who know other people…the point is to get out there and get to know other people with no expectation of this is the “forever” person – this person that you don’t even know!

It’s okay to go on a date and then decide it wasn’t the match you were looking for. Also it’s alright to date different people for different reasons. You can date some for the “dating experience”, dinner, movies, dancing…whatever. Having fun and getting to know someone slowly and meeting others through them. Companionship dating I like to call that.  Sex is not usually recommended during companionship dating – it muddies the waters and makes things heavier and more complicated than they need to be. I don’t recommend dating to find “the one” that you want to spend your life with. It will happen, you will meet “the one” – maybe on a date, maybe not – but probably when you least expect it so don’t put that pressure on any new, fun, flirty relationship.

When you’re dating, keep it light and keep these items in mind:

#1 Don’t tell the person your whole life story…it should gradually unfold over the course of years or decades. (I am so guilty of this…I feel like I don’t have decades to gradually unfold)

#2 Don’t talk about past relationships. Don’t tell how many people you have slept with. Instead of talking about specific past relationships maybe share what you learned about yourself from a failed relationship or ask the other person what they learned from theirs.

#3 Don’t immediately spew out all your hopes, dreams, fears and opinions. Leave some mystery. Half the fun of dating is the gradual unwrapping of the package that is you.

#4 Don’t jump to conclusions. Ask if you want to know something. Answer honestly when someone asks you something. Don’t get pissed off because someone hasn’t called or texted when you think they should have and immediately assume they are out with someone else. If you want them to call you or text you, let them know that’s what you’d like.

Then there is dating for sex, which is different and should be kept separate. I think this is perfectly acceptable provided you keep yourself safe. Be straightforward about it – don’t be afraid to say “I have no interest in a relationship right now, I am looking for a sexual tryst only”. I do recommend if you would like to do this you make the rules clear and follow the rules yourself. A good, reliable “fuckbuddy” is a great thing. Particularly if you are experimenting with some wilder aspects of your sexuality previously uncharted.

The rules are:

#1 You have to be very clear your only intention is fantastic through the roof orgasmic sex.

#2 No texting or calling to say “how was your day?” or any of that bullshit – texts or calls should be for the purpose of scheduling fuck time or talking dirty to each other about the scheduled “date”.

#3 There is no obligation to text, call or see any number of times or at specific times. There is no obligation for anything other than meeting at agreed upon times for good sex.

#4 No sleepovers. When sex is over there is no obligation for cuddling, small talk and sleeping over. Don’t do household chores together or watch TV (unless it’s porn). This is not a “relationship” this is sex.

#5 No expectations – there cannot be any expectation of how long the “buddyship” will last, pre-agreed no hard feelings if someone can’t meet or needs to break it off because they got involved with someone else and wants to see where it goes.

#6 No meeting of the person’s friends, family or co-workers.

#7 Honesty without judgment. Agree to explore things of interest without judgment and with respect for one another (i.e. if you say stop he has to stop and vice versa).

#8 Keep personal stuff to a minimum. Occasionally you will end up sharing some tidbit of what’s going on in your life or work and occasionally they will offer some insight only someone completely removed from the situation can offer. That kind of honesty can be invaluable.

#9 No Whining, no complaining, no clinging, no hard feelings, no attachment. This number is especially hard for most women. So let me repeat…No whining…no complaining…absolutely no clingy behavior…no hard feelings (it’s not a friendship or a real relationship)…and no attachment. Keep it simple, straightforward and fun. Ask for honesty and give it. Keep it sexy. It boosts your confidence, adds to your skills and knowledge, and is fun when executed following the rules.

#10 When it’s over – be done. It’s not a “relationship” the way we know them. It’s recreational sex with the same person. When it’s over let it go, don’t text, don’t call, don’t “FaceBook stalk”. Find a new one. You may have to go through a few before you find your “fuckbuddy soulmate”. Understand this is never meant to be a permanent thing. It will end and that’s okay. Maybe it ends because you found “the one” and are now going to fuck them instead 🙂 Meanwhile you are having fun and expanding your knowledge and experience base and hopefully reducing stress!

Being in a “Dating State of Mind”

Tags

creating your life, Dating, intention, positive direction, relationships, visualization

The first step is to get yourself in a mentally and emotionally healthy state. We attract different people subconsciously based on where we are. You need to reach a place where you are happy and comfortable with who you are, where you are and your life in general. You need to be able to be happy and content alone. Like yourself enough that you like your time alone. A relationship should add to your life, not become your whole life. One of my personal challenges, that I also commonly see in others, is that I spent most of my adult life “doing” for my husband (while managing children and running a business). My life was devoted to making his life run smoothly and his happiness. When I decided I could no longer live that way because each year there was less and less of the bits of “me” left that make me “me”, I realized I didn’t even know what made me happy anymore. I hadn’t focused enough on my own wants or needs to even know! My first night on my own I spent 3 hours at the grocery store trying to figure out what I wanted to eat for dinner. It sounds nuts now, but at the time it was very real. I had spent so many years only preparing what my husband or kids wanted, I no longer knew really what I wanted to eat. I finally decided on Sushi and a bottle of red wine. Mainly because it was something my husband would never choose and I had never had it and wanted to find things I like. (Note – sushi from the local grocer at 9pm is probably not representative of what sushi is or should be.) Embrace who you are. You are unique (like a snowflake – LOL). Take pride and joy in who you are and what you like. Let your space reflect you and your world.

Get very clear on who you are, where you are in your life and what you want it to be like. I find writing things down helps. Make a list of your good qualities – what you like about yourself and what you would like for others to see about you. Take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, get a mani/pedi – for you…not to look good for someone else.  Make a list of the things in your life you are thankful for and try to add to it regularly. Decide what you would like your life to look like – career wise, social life, home, etc. Describe how it will feel. Don’t worry about the details just yet of how it will become what you want it to be and don’t limit yourself with thoughts of “that’s too much” or “I could never have that”. Play pretend for a minute like when you were a kid…what do you want. Think it, feel it, write it down.

Next write down the attributes you want in a person you want to be in a relationship with. Compare that list to your last relationship. Put stars next to the items that are non-negotiable for you. Make a list of attributes you will not tolerate as well so you are very clear on that too. Once you become very clear on what it is you want…it has a way of showing up. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow…but it will.

As an example of what I mean, let me share with you one of my experiences with being very clear on something and having it show up.  I went to lunch with someone in a place I had never been south of Seattle on the water. As I sat down on the deck of that restaurant, I was taken aback by the beauty of the water and mountains in that spot. At that moment I wanted more than anything to be a part of that place. I said out loud (although my lunch partner must have thought I was nearing a complete and total breakdown), “I want to live here. This feels good. It feels like home. A community and a site that would make me enormously happy. I don’t know how much houses cost around here, and it’s completely impractical and unattainable since my business and children are way up North and my finances are completely screwed up, but I want to live here. I want to wake up every morning to this view. I want this…” as I spread my arms to show the area of water, beach, and mountain views. I breathed deep and for a glimmer of a moment felt what living there would feel like to me. I forgot about that “wish” until 2 years later I was unpacking boxes in the home I had just moved in to and looked out the window. That was the water, the beach, the view I said I wanted. I had accidentally moved into the community I said I wanted to live in and forgot my declaration. The restaurant was walking distance away. I was amazed. Dumbfounded. Then I remembered the Universe conspires to give us exactly what we ask for. Sometimes we forget and focus on the place we are and get more of that, or focus on how things “never go our way” and then we create that…but when we are very clear about what we want it magically appears…so be really careful what you are clear on!

If you tell yourself and/or others that you only date losers…guess what – you will! If you state to yourself and/or others I only date people worthy of my time and attention who treat me with respect and kindness…guess what again – you will!